


Echoes in the Dark

by saucyminx



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-24
Updated: 2009-11-24
Packaged: 2017-10-28 05:10:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 49,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/304109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saucyminx/pseuds/saucyminx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are moments in your life when you hit rock bottom, this? This is definitely Jared's rock bottom. So everything can only go up from here right? Somehow the Elvis impersonator, pyromaniac, harbinger of doom, and that one guy who looks like he could kill you with his pinkie doesn't seem very reassuring. And then... there's Jensen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Jared?"

The voice was sharp enough to make paint peel off walls and Jared just squeezed his eyes shut tighter.

"Jared, you gonna wake up buddy?"

 _Buddy?_ People were fussing at Jared. Squeezing him, shifting his body, poking him with sharp things and he was getting pissed off. The odd thing was when he actually _tried_ to open his eyes he couldn't. It was like his eyelids were crazy glued to his cheeks. Panic set in and he tried to shift forward only to find he was tied down somehow. Moaning softly he let out a near sob and his heart started to pound.

"Okay, Jared we're just gonna get you straightened away here. Just try and stay calm for us okay?"

 _Calm_? Jared thrashed around on the bed until he heard someone say something about a sedative then he threw up. Rolled onto his side in seconds, his mind swam and the last thing he remembered was someone saying his name again.

-=-=-=-

It was about three days before the world was the right way up for Jared. At least, that's what Dr. Swain told him when she clicked into the room on her shiny red shoes. Jared couldn't stop looking at them, her feet were freaking tiny, like little elf feet and Jared wasn't sure how she managed to actually walk. Rubbing at his eyes he tried to focus on the words that seemed to be coming out of her mouth. Then he heard a phrase that made his blood run cold, _suicide attempt._

"I didn’t do that..." _Jesus_ either he was about a week's worth of hungover or someone had tried to kill him with a baseball bat.

Her voice was soothing in that _void-of-emotion_ Doctor way. "You took an overdose of medication, Jared. You were admitted to us through Emergency."

"It was a mistake." He didn't really know what the hell she was talking about but he was pretty sure he should disagree. "When can I go home?"

She cleared her throat and scanned down the paper she was holding. "You're with us on a non-voluntary for a minimum of thirty days. We'll review your case at the end of that time period."

"Where the _fuck_ am I?" Jared's voice was laced with panic.

"You're in Happy Dale Psychiatric Hospital." She said it more like it was a holiday resort than a hospital.

Barking out a harsh laugh Jared pushed himself up on his bed. _Bed?_. "Is this candid camera or something? That's a pretty cliché name for a Mental hospital."

"Psychiatric," she echoed, "and clichés are clichés for a reason." Smiling she held out her hand, "So, I'm Dr. Swain and I'll be seeing you every second day while you're here. If you'd like to come with me I'll show you around the common areas."

"Show me around?" Jared was pretty sure he had a better grasp of the English language less than a week ago. Looking down he realized he was wearing pale green scrub-like pajamas. "How long... have I been... weird?"

"You were taken in to emergency last week, two days in the hospital and then two days here. We've been trying to get the right level of medication for you since you arrived." She was at the door.

Jared swung his legs over the edge of the bed and wrinkling his nose slipped his feet into the dead muppet looking slippers that were waiting.

"They're hospital issue; you can get your own brought in if you like."

"I'm not staying," Jared muttered as he stretched his aching back. His muscles felt like he'd been working out for two days in a row, sore almost bruised.

"You'll be here for a minimum of thirty days." Pulling the door open she held her hand out to gesture for Jared to move through the door.

Tugging at his pajamas, Jared shuffled out into the hallway and came face to face with a young guy, almost as tall as him, crazy spiky blond hair and startling blue eyes.

Dr. Swain stepped closer, "Jared - this is Chad; he's another of our residents. He's just across the hall from you."

Chad looked up at him suspiciously. "You smoke?"

"I ... uh." Jared blinked down at the shorter man and took a step back. "No, I don't."

"Smoking's not allowed on the unit, Chad." Dr. Swain gave Chad a warm look and moved past him.

"You should smoke," Chad added as he brushed past Jared and headed into the room across the hall, "the world's gonna end by next week so you're not gonna die of cancer." He flopped down on what was obviously his bed and closed his eyes.

Jared stood there staring at him for a few moments then headed down the hall after Dr. Swain. "I ... I have to share a room?"

"There are some great residents here." She flipped through the papers on her clipboard, "you're with Jensen. You'll meet him eventually."

"I don't... how long as he been here?" Jared glanced up at her.

"You can ask him that yourself later." Dr. Swain smiled as she turned a corner into a large sun-filled room. "Recreation room, you can spend as much time as you like here between seven am and ten pm. Let me introduce you to Christian." She moved across to a couch that was set up facing a big screen TV - Jared noted that it was firmly attached to the wall and had a clear plastic case over it. She exchanged words with a rather pissed off looking muscular man who reluctantly followed her back to Jared. "Jared, this is Christian, he can show you around. That's all from me for today if you have any questions just ask any orderly or the Ward nurse. Christian, this is Jared."

Nodding mutely Jared watched as she clicked away on her tiny red elf feet then turned back to his _guide_. "Hi."

Christian's arms folded across his chest as his head tilted down to Jared's feet and slowly moved up to his face. "Jared huh? Pussy name." He snorted a breath and turned around, walking across the recreation room to the door before stopping and looking back at him. "Are you coming or am I gonna have to fucking carry you?"

Jared scrubbed both hands down his face and moved quickly to catch up. "Where... how long have you been here?" Jared was finding it hard to focus on anything other than how long he was going to have to stay there. He was still pretty convinced that something had gone terribly wrong. It was a mistake. "I don't think I'm supposed to be here." He almost tripped over his slippers and slip forward a few steps.

Glancing back over his shoulder Christian scoffed and dragged a hand up through his hair. "Don't matter if you ain't supposed to be here. Fact is you are. And once you _are_ there's no gettin' out. So you might as well fucking accept that. Also?" Christian stopped abruptly in his steps and turned to him, "mind your own fucking business. This is a nut house _Jared_ , people here are _crazy_." Christian leaned forward into Jared's personal space, not touch but glaring with narrowed eyes. "Never know what they're fucking gonna do."

Jared swallowed, throat suddenly feeling a bit dry. "Okay, sorry." He shuffled a step back in his slippers. He was pretty much afraid to take his eyes off Christian already so not asking him anymore questions was going to be pretty easy. Combing his fingers through his hair, Jared took a deep breath. "Okay... got it," he decided that showing a little backbone might not go amiss. "Rule number one - don't ask crazy people for personal details."

"Hey, new guy," a petite brunette called from down the hall, causing both guys to turn. She took off at a run, stopping mid-way and sliding on bright pink fuzzy socks. She collided to a stop into Jared's side and reached out to pat his pockets. "You uh... don't have any flammable items do you? Generally they take them all but you'd be surprised what you can make light up."

Christian smirked and resumed the folded stance of his arms across his chest. "This is Sandy. She'll light your hair on fire if you're not careful."

"He's speaking from experience," Sandy pointed out, dropping her hands from Jared and pouting. "What's with all the giants in this place? Did all your parents down steroids or something before you were born?"

"Maybe you're just short." Jared batted her hands away from his shirt and gazed down at her. She was pretty, pert nose, dark eyes and long black hair. "I'm Jared, I ... don't have anything that starts fires... and I don't smoke," he added. Glancing over her head, _well_ over her head he raised an eyebrow at Christian. "She didn't really set you on fire?"

Christian arched an eyebrow and Sandy giggled. "Rule number two - don't fall asleep in the rec room. Especially after visitation day. Sandy's one sneaky bitch and she knows how to get her fix."

"I'm resourceful." Sandy nodded and looked at them both in turn. "Whatcha boys up too?"

"I'm going away. You can take Jared here on a tour." Christian turned and walked down the hall, disappearing inside a room and slamming the door shut. Someone at the nursing station called his name in warning and Christian opened the door, popped his hand out to flip the guy off before slamming the door even harder once more.

Sandy smiled and turned back to Jared. "So Jared huh? What's your poison? Do you hear voices? We haven't had one of those for a while. Well... unless you count Chad, but that's different." She shrugged and turned to start a slow walk down the hall.

Jared closed his eyes and pressed his hands hard into them for a few moments. It was going to be a very long month. When he opened his eyes he watched the gentle sway of Sandy's hips for a few moments before shaking his head and hurrying to catch up to her. "Where are we going? And ... I'm not supposed to be here... there's been a mistake."

"I said the same thing." Sandy nodded and turned around a corner, glancing up at Jared and grinning. "But then... I burnt down my office building so maybe I am supposed to be here. Anyway, not sure why you're talking to me about it, not much I can do. Did you tell Dr. Swain?" She rounded another corner, waving at a girl with stringy blond hair before stepping inside a large, white room filled with tables and chairs. "Cafeteria. Food's not too bad if you like your potatoes extra salty and your toast extra burnt."

"She said I... well, I did tell her but she said I was supposed to stay here for at least thirty days. Probably I can clear it up when I talk to her tomorrow." Jared discovered he had pockets in his pajama bottoms and stuffed his hands in them.

Sandy laughed softly and shook her head. "Well, I wish you luck with that but I can't imagine they'll just let you go. They never just let someone go." She shrugged up at him before turning and heading back out into the hall. "C'mon, I'll show you the back garden next. We're only allowed to be out there from one to three but it's pretty smart to get the sunshine. Hey do you have like... a magnifying glass. _Oh_ do you wear _glasses_?" She looked excitedly up at him as she approached two glass doors and leaned against one to push it open.

Jared followed her outside and looked around; at least it was pleasant out there. His eyes moved across to a bench at the other side of the lawn. Another patient was sitting on the bench reading. He was a good looking man, his features just the right side of sharp, a well-defined jaw and short golden brown hair that made it look like he'd just rolled out of bed. Jared nodded in the man's direction, "who's that?"

A slow smile curved Sandy's lips up and she sighed softly, "that's Jensen." She giggled and stepped forward, gesturing for Jared to move forward with a slow tilt of her head. "Hey Jensen, this is Jared, he's new here."

Jensen extended a finger to press into the book he was reading, which was The Picture of Dorian Grey even though he'd read it twenty times now, the choices in this place weren't exactly wide. His lips pressed together as he looked up, up, and holy freaking cow _up_ at the man standing before him. Jensen's throat constricted as he stared and blinked slowly. Words, a greeting he was sure, filtered through his mind but didn't form on his lips so he simply... stared. And blinked. Two things he was pretty damn good at.

"Hi, I'm Jared." Closing the distance between them Jared smiled. The guy was gorgeous, wide green eyes with lashes longer than most of the women Jared knew. Holding his hand out he nodded.

Wetting his lips slowly, Jensen unfolded himself from the bench and slowly pushed to his feet. _Jared_ wasn't nearly as tall when he was standing but Jensen still had to look up at him. His eyes dropped down to Jared's hand for a moment and he almost extended his hand, lifting it a few inches, before turning and walking swiftly through the garden, disappearing into the cool safety of inside.

Sandy giggled once more and shook her head. "Oh he likes you. That's good."

Jared glanced down at his hand that was still extended and dropped it to his side. "That was _likes_? He left." Jared turned and sank down onto the bench dropped his face into his hands. "I really gotta get out of here." He was starting to feel that panic again, the niggling sort of feeling like he needed to run but couldn't figure out which direction to run in.

Sandy quietly watched him for a moment before dropping down beside him, curling her fingers into the bench on either side of her. "Everyone's got issues Jared. Something happened to get you here and chances are it's where you need to be. I'm not gonna make you tell me but take my advice and try to make the best of it."

Sandy's eyes slid along the ground before she jumped up and snagged a stone and two large sticks from the ground. "If you're not meant to be here then... enjoy the nut show." She giggled and dropped into a sitting position, gathering a handful of dry crunchy leaves and laying them beneath the two sticks, beginning a steady sliding motion.

Watching Sandy's fingers moving Jared frowned. "Are you supposed to be doing that?" Not that a fire seemed like a bad idea - it might actually give him enough of a distraction to get out of the damn place.

"Hmm nope." Sandy smiled brightly, the action faltering when her eyes landed on the door swinging open. "Insanity patrol."

"Miss. McCoy, you're well aware that you're not allowed to be out here without supervision." The nurse folded his arms across his chest, eyebrows lifting.

Sandy sighed and curled her fingers around the sticks, pushing up from the ground. "Technically I had some supervision. Jared's not supposed to be here so chances are that means he's sane. So, supervision." She smiled hopefully but blew out a long breath when the nurse just lifted his eyebrows. "Busted. Well it was nice walkin' around with you Jay. I'm sure we'll see each other soon." She grinned at him before uncurling her fingers to let the sticks drop and fall to the ground, turning to head across the garden and follow the man inside.

"Hey wait," Jared called out too late. Pushing up off the bench he wandered over to the door and pulled it open. There was no one in the recreation room that he'd been introduced to so he tried to retrace his steps and make it back to his room. Surprisingly, it was easier than he thought and he was soon pushing his door open and slipping back inside the room.

Closing the door quietly he leaned his forehead against the door and groaned. "Fuck," he whispered." Turning to his bed he stopped in his tracks when he spotted Jensen sitting on his own bed, leaning against the wall. "Oh... sorry. I ... didn't know where else to go." He stared over at Jensen for a few moments, kicking off his muppet slippers.

Once more Jensen pushed his finger into the book, staring at Jared with wide eyes. He'd known he was getting a new roommate as soon as possible, part of the reason he was here after all, but he hadn't anticipated it to be _him_. Very slowly he reached out to curl his fingers around the water glass and brought it to his lips, sipping slowly before setting it down once more and looking back at his book.

"O...kay." Jared padded over to his bed and sat down. Letting himself fall sideways he buried his face in his pillow. "I'm not supposed to be here... it was all a big mistake." He felt like a broken record - but then for all he knew Jensen's brain was mincemeat so he figured he might as well talk to him. "They... well, that ... what's her name," he waited then remembered that Jensen probably wouldn't say anything, "Dr. Swain says I have to stay here for thirty days." He pushed himself up on his elbow and peered across at Jensen. "Can you speak?"

Shifting on the mattress slightly Jensen tucked the cover of the book in between the pages and let them fall closed before his gaze once more lifted to Jared. Words bubbled along his tongue and his mouth opened once, twice, and then snapped shut. Clenching his jaw he nodded slowly before pulling his legs up to his chest and wrapping his arms around himself, making himself as small as possible.

"Okay," Jared pressed his lips together. "Does it bother you if I talk? I tend to talk a lot. When I'm nervous... or scared... or…" he frowned, "pretty much all the time."

If he were anyone else Jensen might have made a comment about that fact but he wasn't anyone else. So he shook his head and once more reached out for his water, taking a slow sip and keeping his eyes fixed on Jared.

Jared swung his legs around so his head was at the bottom of his bed and he could rest his head on his arm without having to look up over the bedside tables. "I'm not sure... what happened." Rubbing at his eyebrow Jared stared over at Jensen's hands and watched them as they curled around the water. "I. My ... my boyfriend and I split up." His eyes darted up to Jensen's face. "Oh... yeah, I'm gay - that's not a problem is it?"

The vaguest flicker of something passed through Jensen and his fingers tightened on the water glass. Shaking his head slowly he once more brought it to his lips and took three long gulps in quick succession.

Following the movements of Jensen's head Jared narrowed his eyes and thought about it. _No, it's not a problem._ "You drink a lot of water." Sighing Jared rolled onto his back. "I really need to get out of here." _God_. Tom... "Hey, Jensen, when you come in here do they notify people? My... Tom won't know where I am. You know, if he was looking."

Jensen was a little surprised no one had explained the rules to being in here and what happened when you came but he certainly wasn't going to be stepping up to that task. They did notify some people though so he nodded and put the water back down on the nightstand, folding his arms around his legs and tugging closer.

Blinking a few times, Jared looked confused. "Yes you drink a lot of water or yes, they notify people?" Jared's brow furrowed when he realized that wasn't going to work. The absurdity of the situation started to amuse his lips spread into a wide grin, dimples and all. "Man, this is messed up. Do you feel like you're in a bad dream and can't wake up?"

That was more the truth than Jared could have known and Jensen's lips quirked up into a slight smile as he nodded a little quicker, a lot more sure of that answer. Glancing over at the nightstand by Jared's bed he noticed the man didn't have a schedule of the meetings and meal times, which was pretty like this place to not give him such an important piece of paper. Climbing off his bed Jensen headed to the dresser and grabbed his schedule before carrying it over to Jared. He stood there for a moment before laying it beside his arm and heading quickly back to his bed to fold in on himself once more.

Picking up the paper Jared looked it over quickly. "Oh, a schedule. That's good." Glancing at the clock above their door Jared looked back down. "Okay so it's .. .there's group in half an hour or so - am I supposed to go to that?" Jared peered at Jensen over the paper.

Cringing slightly at the group Jensen knew Jared would be subjected too he nodded and tried to make his eyes look more sympathetic. With any hope Jared had at least met some of them so it wouldn't be too much of an overload but all in one room, even a small group was _too much_.

"Oh." Jared winced. "it's not that bad is it? Is it really bad?" Jensen's eyes were gentle, kind and it relaxed Jared a little.

Lips twitching into a slight smile Jensen shrugged and considered it for a moment. He nodded after a while and slowly let his legs extend out onto the bed, hands settling on his thighs.

"Wow. Great. Today's gonna just keep getting better." Putting the paper down on the bed Jared smiled over at Jensen. "Do you have to go too?" He was willing to be that Jensen didn't really like any groups where talking was involved.

Sighing softly Jensen's fingers tightened on his jeans and he nodded, scratching at the denim. He gestured toward the paper vaguely, urging Jared to read so he could see the words at the top that declared that _every_ meeting was mandatory.

Pressing his lips together, Jared read some more about the group and began nodding slowly. Glancing back up at Jensen he shrugged. "Do you have to talk there or do they let you just be quiet?"

Jensen had to smile a little at that, Jared wasn't very good at giving him yes or no questions. He shrugged and shook his head yes, then no.

Laughing softly Jared rolled his eyes at himself. "Do they make you talk?"

Shaking his head Jensen reached out for his water once more and drained the rest of the water in the glass. His eyes shifted over to the clock before he set his glass back down and slid off the bed once more to walk to the closet and retrieve his sweatshirt, nearly two sizes too big he was practically swimming in it but there was a certain level of comfort in big clothing that Jensen enjoyed.

"You like big clothes?" Jared smiled pushing up off the bed, "if I ever get some you can borrow my hoodie, it's awesome." Scratching at his forearm nervously Jared glanced up at the clock. "Are we supposed to go out there now?"

Nodding, Jensen moved to his dresser to pull out a thick pair of socks, bending over to tug his socks on. He headed toward the door, stopping with his hand on the knob and looked back at Jared. He'd never had a roommate actually interested in speaking with him... or _at_ him. It seemed like the nice thing to do was wait and walk to the same place they were both going.

"Hey, Jensen can I sit with you?" Jared swallowed and looked down at his fingers.

Tightening his fingers on the doorknob Jensen blinked a few times before nodding, shoulders tensing when he heard Chad declaring the end of the world being upon them just outside the door.

"You okay?" Jared stepped forward and slid his hand gently over Jensen's shoulder. The guy just sort of froze there at the door.

Jensen's heart skipped a beat and he jerked forward, slamming his hip hard into the doorknob and hissing in pain. He turned back to look over his shoulder at Jared, who was really way too close, and scrambled into movement. In a moment he was tugging the door open, the heat of Jared's body close enough to feel for a moment before he stepped through the threshold and slid out into the hall, nearly crashing right into Chad whose arms were raised up to the ceiling.

"Jensen!" Chad's voice boomed in the hallway, "Man! _You've_ got the idea man! You know we gotta move fast in these dark times! Get that ass goin'!" Chad swung his hands down and laid them on Jensen's shoulders. "You and me should have a long talk one of these days, Jensen. You seem like a good listener." Chad grinned and nodded knowingly.

The uncomfortable feel of Chad's hands pinning him down made Jensen stare at him with wide eyes. He squirmed uncomfortably and tried to slide back, but wasn’t nearly strong enough to pry himself away from the man. Fear and discomfort bubbled up in him and he squirmed back, looking around for some way to escape the situation.

"Murray, fuckin' douche," Christian hollered from inside the open door across the hall, causing Jensen to cringe even more at the loud words. "Shut your fuckin' trap already."

Jared stepped forward and slid in front of Jensen grinning at Chad and nudging his arms off Jensen's shoulders so the other man could get away.

"Dude! I have a question for you - this end of the world business," Jared's arm slid easily over Chad's shoulders as he guided him away from Jensen. With his free hand he reached behind him and waved at Jensen to get him to move. "When _is_ the end of the world Chad?"

Chad leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, "man, next Tuesday, right before group."

Laughing, and then coughing as he tried to stop himself, Jared patted Chad on the back and pushed him gently toward the open door Christian had yelled from. "I think Christian wants to talk to you." Smiling, he turned away quickly and hurried down the hallway to catch up to Jensen.

Jensen could hear the distant yell from Christian, a brief, "don't send him in here! I just fuckin' got him out of here."

His heart was still hammering unpleasantly but it was accompanied by something warm. Jared had _saved_ him from Chad which was really saying something since Chad had no idea what the words _personal space_ meant. So far, his new roommate was definitely a lot better than the others. But that was just for now. He was fairly sure it would change. Glancing back over his shoulder he saw Jared walking toward him and slowed his steps, figuring the least he could do was show the guy to the meeting room.

Finally catching up to Jensen, Jared widened his eyes again and couldn’t help laughing. "Batshit insane," he whispered, "and you're welcome." He knew Jensen appreciated the block - it was the least he could do after nearly making his roommate leap out of his own skin. Shaking his head, Jared smiled and looked down realizing he'd forgotten his slippers - there was no way he was going back down that hallway. He could still hear the occasional muffled swearword.

Nodding in agreement Jensen glanced behind him and sighed. _Batshit insane_ didn't even begin to cover this place sometimes. Jensen jerked his head to the side a moment before turning into a small room were a circle of chairs set waiting.

"Hello Jensen," the woman in the room greeted, smile widening as she caught sight of Jared trailing after him. "And you must be Jared. Good to see you two have met each other already. Come on in, take a seat. Jared I'm Dr. Hopkins, I'll be running these group meetings." She smiled brightly, stepping forward and offering her hand.

Jared shook her hand. "When do I get to meet with Dr. Swain? I really need to talk to her about not being here." Jared blew out a breath and watched Jensen out of the corner of his eye - he really wanted to sit by him, his roommate seemed to be the only semi-normal person he'd met.

Dr. Hopkins smiled softly and tucked her hair behind her ear. "I believe we have you scheduled for a meeting with Dr. Swain after dinner. Until then, why don't you go ahead and take a seat and we'll get started."

"Fucking Christ Murray I don't _care_ if the world is going to end next week or five fucking minutes from now, _shut up_ ," Christian groaned, nearly storming into the room with Chad trailing along behind him, Sandy behind Chad.

"Should I try and get Chad's hair again? He looked so good with the burnt blond do," she called happily, hooking her fingers along Chad's shoulders and jumping as high up as she could. "Oh yay! Jared's in here. I think he's going to get the award of _most sane_."

Dr. Hopkins cleared her throat softly, "Sandy, hands to yourself please, everyone take a seat, quiet down. Has anyone seen Jeff today?"

Jared hurried over to claim a seat on one side of Jensen and just as his ass his the seat the door to the room flew open and a middle aged man in a white track suit slid into the room on his knees. Jared jumped slightly as the door's banged back against the wall and then he barked out a laugh before slamming his mouth closed and covering it with his hand. The man was probably a good looking guy - only his black hair was swept over to the side in a Pompadour - and he looked pretty much like a homeless Elvis impersonator.

 _Elvis_ slid to a halt right at Christian's feet and began well, Jared supposed it was a type of singing, " _You ain't nothin' but a hound dog, Cryin' all the time, You ain't nothin' but a hound dog, Cryin' all the time, Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit, And you ain't no friend of mine..._ " When he got to the end of the song he flopped back dramatically and Jared had to look away or risk bursting out into full on belly laughter.

The room fell into silence for a moment before Christian scoffed and walked around him to drop into a seat. "Fucking freak."

Sandy clapped enthusiastically and slid around to drop into the other chair on Jared's side while Chad took the seat beside Christian. "Way to go Jeff, I think that was the best yet. The slide in was very impressive."

Jensen was fairly used to these types of situations but he glanced over at Jared and felt a surprise burst of laughter swell up in him at the barely concealed amusement on the man's face. Their eyes met for a moment before both turned in the opposite direction. Jensen raised a palm to lie over his mouth to keep the laughter and smile from breaking out.

Once more Dr. Hopkins cleared her throat, smiling polite as she took her seat, "Jeff, why don't you go ahead and take your seat so we can get started okay? Clearly we have a new member with us today so why don't we go around and introduce ourselves. Sandy, you start."

Perking up in her seat Sandy nodded and grinned. "Well as you all know I'm Sandy. This is my forty eighth day here. I like puppies and tattoos and fire. But not in that order. Also, I've recently discovered a particular affinity for day time soap operas. Those really suck you in." Her smile stretched across her lips and she turned to Jared, nodding for him to go next.

"Me?" Jared shook his head and let out a small chuckle then rubbed his hand over his mouth. "I'm Jared and I just got here. I'm pretty sure I don't belong here - but yeah." He frowned. "I ... like dogs, and going to the beach." He shrugged, suddenly feeling like he was on a dating panel. He looked at Jensen.

"Good," Dr. Hopkins stepped in and smiled softly as the eyes in the room turned to Jensen. "Jensen, would you like to introduce yourself?"

Folding an arm across his chest and curling his fingers over his arm Jensen glanced around the room, eyes lingering on Jared for a moment before he shook his head.

Dr. Hopkins nodded and sighed softly, writing something on the pad of paper on her lap. "That's okay. Maybe tomorrow," she said, words sounding familiar like she was very accustomed to saying that. "Jeff?" She turned to him, looking up from the pad of paper.

"Elvis." Jeff had climbed up off the floor and was sitting next to Christian staring hard at the other man's face. "I'm Elvis - but my friends call me Jeff now." Finally tearing his eyes away from Christian he looked around the group meeting everyone's eyes. "I'm trusting you all with my life by telling you my true identity. So - just call me Jeff. I like to sing, read and I like those..." he crossed his legs and leaned back on his chair, "pop rocks." Blinking innocently he turned his head and looked up at Christian. "And... you're next oh charming one."

Rolling his eyes Christian folded his arms across his chest and shifted his chair away from Jeff's slightly. "I'm Christian. Chris. What the fuck ever." He stopped speaking and looked around as the room remained silent. "What? You seriously think I'm gonna say things I like?" His eyebrow lifted and he snorted before looking at Chad. "Prophet Murray?"

Chad rolled his eyes. "You can't say what you like because you don't actually _like_ anything, you're a bitchy piece of fuck Christian. Good thing we only have to put up with all this till next Tuesday." Rolling his shoulders as though working out a knot Chad turned back to the group. "I am Chad, I live for the moment - you know - fly by the seat of my pants." He elbowed Christian when the other man snorted again.

Sandy leaned over to Jared and whispered conspiratorially, "they _love_ each other."

Jared leaned closer, " _Love_ love or ..." Jared gestured the rest away with his hand. They were fairly attractive looking guys - a little bit on the whacky side but not hard on the eyes.

"Like, lovers. Together. Secretively of course." She grinned and watched the two as they continued to bicker over the end of the world. "Don't tell anyone ‘cause otherwise they'd make them switch rooms. It's cute."

Jensen, who spent a good amount of his life in silence, was used to picking up on quiet conversations he probably shouldn't hear. But since he knew about the whole Christian and Chad thing it wasn't that big deal. Though he hardly thought _cute_ described them.

"Okay boys, let's calm down now," Dr. Hopkins interrupted. "Let's get into some discussion about goals shall we? Now Jared you won't have much to add on this so you can just sit and observe for now alright? Chad, would you like to talk a little about the things you're working toward to continue on the path to recovery?"

"I write things on a calendar." Chad pressed his lips together into a thin line for a few moments. "I have put down the times of lunch for every day next week." The smile on his face was forced. "And... I have agreed to start trying some medication." He folded his arms and sat back hard on his chair.

Jared leaned subtly closer to Jensen, hopefully not enough to invade his personal space and whispered, "are there lots of ends-of-the-world dates for him?" He glanced at Jensen out of the corner of his eye to watch for any movement of his head.

Lip quirking slightly up Jensen nodded subtly, glancing over to catch Jared's eyes and shrug.

"That's good," Dr. Hopkins encouraged. "What about you Christian? What goals are you working toward?"

"Not killing Chad and making his _end of the world_ prophecies come true," Christian huffed and glanced over at the blond before scratching at his neck. "And... the stupid meditation crap to clear my mind. _Channeling my anger into productive energy_ ," Christian said through a mocking bite.

Dr. Hopkins nodded and jotted something down on her paper. "Good Christian, good. Keep it up; try not to let Chad get to you too much." She smiled as the group chuckled softly before looking at Jeff. "And Jeff? Goals?"

Eyes crinkling as he smiled Jeff took a deep breath. "I'd like to make another movie, maybe something a bit grittier. So... I've been working out, I'm sure you can tell I'm more flexible than I used to be." He winked across the group at Sandy and licked his finger to smooth back his hair.

Sighing softly, Dr. Hopkins nodded and wrote something down on her paper before giving him a smile. "Okay, well working out is good. And Sandy? How about you?"

"I am on the fast track out of here." Sandy nodded and grinned. "Well, eventually. I suppose I _have_ to stay here a certain amount of time. But you know, I haven't set anything on fire in... a week. That's a long time," her smile fell slightly and she picked at her nails before glancing back up at the group. "I'm thinking I can keep that up. Here. It's not a problem when there's not anything to use."

Dr. Hopkins reached out to pat Sandy's hand softly and nodded. "Soon it won't be a problem out there either. Then you'll know it's okay to be on your way." She smiled encouragingly before lifting her hand and looking at Jensen. "So, Jensen... feel up to adding anything?"

Jensen turned his eyes from Sandy, who he'd been watching with the faint register of sympathy, and stared at the doctor. He caught his lip between his teeth and folded his hands together. He knew that speaking was on his list of goals, by this point everyone seemed to know that, but making that step felt next to impossible. Everyone was watching him curiously and panic began to seize at his chest, curling in around his lungs, fingers tightening around each other and everyone just kept _watching_ him.

"I've been thinking," Christian said, loud voice shattering the moment. "What's the point of throwing us all in the same room like this? I mean, we don't even have the same issues. How's Prophet boy over here supposed to help Elvis." Christian glanced over at Jeff, eyebrows lifting. For a moment his eyes shifted to Jensen and he smiled briefly before looking back to the doctor.

"We can all find ways to help each other," Dr. Hopkins insisted, shaking her head as she once more wrote in her book. "Alright, Jared, is there anything you feel like sharing?"

Jared's eyes snapped up to the Doctor’s then he glanced nervously at Jensen and finally down at his hands. "I... goal?" Jared swallowed around the lump in his throat. "I wanna understand why I'm here..." Shoulders sagging, he leaned back in his chair. He needed to do some thinking, sort things out, maybe talk to that other Doctor about what happened.

"I think that's why almost everyone is here." She nodded in understanding and glanced down at her watch. "Okay I'm opening it up to some free discussion, would anyone like to start us off?"

"I will," Sandy piped up and grinned at the not surprised faces of the others in the room. "I have a question for Chad." She met his eyes and flipped her hair over her shoulder. "You always mention _when_ the world is going to end but never _how_. Personally I'm hoping there won't be a lot of pain."

Christian scoffed and shook his head. "Don't encourage him Sandy."

Chad's eyes darkened and he leaned forward, forearms resting on his thighs. "It's not funny you know, to be the person who knows shit like that." Chad squared his shoulders and looked up at Sandy, "you think I want to live like this? You think it's _fun_ to lie awake in bed at night because I know I'm gonna be dead in a week?" Huffing out an annoyed breath he leaned back on his chair again.

"I think that would be... terrifying," Jared interjected. He shrugged when Sandy looked at him, "well, I do."

Reaching out, Christian's hand rested for a moment on the small of Chad's back, eyes fixing on the side of his face. "When did it start? The whole, prophecy thing? How does something like that even fucking begin?"

Jensen's head tilted to the side as he watched the interaction, curious at the new developments.

"I just know it. There's this feeling that I get ... sort of runs down my spine. First time was when I was supposed pick my brother up every day after school. One time - I forgot that he had stayed home sick that morning and I ran..." Chad looked down at his hands as they clenched into fists on his thighs. "I ran and ran through the school, and his classroom and I thought, I thought I'd lost him." Chad's eyes glazed over as though he was a million miles away. "He was at home - but it's that feeling - that same feeling. The first time was after..." his brows drew together in the middle of his forehead. "I don't wanna talk about it." His hand fluttered up to his mouth and he started chewing on the skin beside his thumbnail.

Jared shifted on his seat, uncomfortable. Obviously something horrible had happened to Chad... something, _God_ that look on the guy’s face was heart-breaking. Blowing out a breath he glanced at Jensen again and raised his eyebrows. "They think I tried to kill myself," he blurted out. If he kept feeling like he had to step in and save people by throwing himself to the slaughter it was going to be a rough day.

Everyone turned to him and Jensen's eyes widened slightly, lips rolling together.

"And did you?" Christian asked bluntly, hand sliding up to Chad's neck to brush for a moment before dropping down.

"No. I mean, not really. I ... just wanted it to stop you know? What Chad said made me think of it..." Jared tiled his head to the side slightly like he was trying to hear something off in the distance. "I was tired of - I felt sick... I guess." Rubbing at his eyes roughly he shrugged. "Never mind I don't know." Yeah, he took all the pills but it wasn't like he'd actually _thought_ about dying.

"There's nothing wrong with you that some cocaine and good fuck wouldn't cure." Jeff's deep voice rumbled across the room.

Jared's eyes widened momentarily and he looked over at the Doctor. He really wasn't sure how to respond to something like that or if responding was even a good idea.

Chad laughed rather suddenly and it seemed to break the tension a little. "Jeff," he shook his head, "you're fuckin' awesome."

Jeff grinned and winked across at Jared.

Dr. Hopkins covered her lips to hide the smile on her face and slowly shook her head. "Well I think that's a good place to stop for the day. Give everyone some free time before dinner. You're all free to go but Jared if I could have a couple words? I have some papers for you." She smiled at him as the group began to move around.

"Will you be in the room?" Jared asked as he stood and peered down at Jensen.

Jensen glanced up at Jared, eyes slightly wide at being addressed once more. He noticed Sandy's gaze, the hushed sounds of Christian and Chad’s laughter, and he nodded before pushing out of the chair and hurrying out of the room.

Wandering over to Dr. Hopkins, Jared sat down on the chair beside her. "What papers?" He just wanted to get out of there, sleep, make the day go faster.

"Schedule and such." Dr. Hopkins smiled and reached into a folder under her chair to pull out some papers. "Also, I wanted to speak with you for a moment about Jensen." She busied herself by flipping through her notebook until it flipped closed. "I know he's your roommate. If for any reason you feel like need to switch rooms, you can come to me and we'll take the appropriate steps okay?" She smiled politely as she stood, tucking her folder and notebook under her arm.

"I like Jensen, why would I want to switch?" Jared looked down at her with a puzzled expression on his face, wondering if this was the point where she told him that Jensen had murdered his last roommate - strangled him with his shoelaces or something.

"Oh don't worry; he's not violent at all, nothing like that." She smiled reassuringly in the way only doctor's seemed to be able to pull off. "He's just been known to have dreams at night. Sometimes they can be a little... intense. So just don't be afraid to get someone, or let us know okay?" She reached out and patted Jared's shoulder.

"Okay." Jared tried not to look like he felt. He felt like he was about to reach the end of his _extremely_ short rope. The one semi-normal guy in the place and he had intense dreams. What the _hell_ was classified as an _intense_ dream?

Padding down the hall Jared rubbed the back of his neck. As if things weren't hard enough to take he was getting a headache as well. Pushing the door to their room open Jared poked his head round the side of the door. Sure, it was his room as well but he didn't want any more strange surprises. He'd had enough for one day.

-=-=-=-

In his time at Happy Dale Jensen had gone through no less than fifteen roommates. So he knew by this point that Jared had been held back likely to be warned, given an out before he had to deal with Jensen. When Jared's head appeared around the door he looked up slowly and shuffled back on the mattress, pulling his legs up to his chest and  
watching him move.

Jared walked over to his bed and sat down. "In a place with Elvis, the harbinger of Doom, Fire starter and Mr. Miserable ... you're the good choice I think. So ... you have really bad dreams huh?" Jared peered up at Jensen from under his hair.

Jensen was surprised when his lips once more lifted in amusement. Not even three hours of knowing the guy and he'd kind of smiled more than he had in years. Wetting his lips he nodded and pushed off the bed, walking to his dresser and tugging it open. After a few moments of searching he came up with a small box of ear plugs. He'd gotten them a while ago but never remembered until it was too late. Now he carried them over to Jared and held them out.

Taking the ear plugs Jared made sure he didn't touch Jensen's fingers, "thanks." Flipping the lid open Jared poked at the spongy ear plugs. "I usually can't use these things. But ..." he looked up at Jensen, "if you wake me up can I help or something?" Jensen had beautiful eyes, sad, but beautiful.

 _Help_. The idea alone seemed outrageous. No one had ever helped Jensen where his dreams were concerned; even the medicine they made him take at night time did nothing to stop them from coming. Shrugging, he hesitated by Jared for a moment, staring at him before stepping back and dropping down onto the edge of his bed.

Taking some time to actually think about _yes_ or _no_ questions Jared's brow was furrowed when he looked up. "The Doctor said your nightmares are _intense_ , are they... like _scary_ intense?" He glanced up at Jensen and watched his face.

Jensen weaved his fingers together, resting his forearms on his thighs. Swallowing a few times he looked up at Jared and nodded slowly, eye lids falling and closing with a few slow blinks.

"Okay." Jared nodded in reply. "Would it help if I... woke you up?" Jared's smile was crooked, confused. All he knew was that when he had nightmares he liked it when someone tried to comfort him.

No one had ever tried to wake him up before and Jensen could hardly imagine what it might be like. So he simply shrugged once more and glanced at the clock, pushing off the bed and heading back toward the door. He hesitated for a moment before laying his hands over his belly and rubbing slightly, turning to Jared. It seemed the safest thing to do was go to dinner then hide for the rest of the night, today had to be the most interaction he had with a person in a long time.

"Dinner. Bet that will be an adventure." Running a hand through his hair Jared stood up and shoved his feet into the dead Muppets and took a couple of hesitant steps forward. "Can I come with you?"

Lip twitching once more Jensen nodded and pulled the door open, stepping out into the hallway and waiting for Jared to join him before they started off down the hall. Up ahead he could see Christian and Chad arguing with each other, as usual, and Sandy who was tearing up a piece of paper and blowing it across the room. _Adventure_ didn't seem like a big enough word to cover what dinner was likely to be like.


	2. Chapter 2

This was a familiar darkness, closing in on him on all sides, pressing against his body tight enough to make his lungs clench painfully. It always began this way, the dark, and the whisper of something there lingering along the edges. Jensen’s body arched up slightly, skittering away, trying to escape from what he knew was to come. The air left him in quick pants as icy cold fingers grazed along his arm, wet with sweat, up his neck, through his hair.

 _Jensen_.

The voice breathed and he wanted so badly to turn and run but he couldn't. The room cleared of its darkness and Jensen could see the people milling about, completely unaware of his presence. He was the shadow along the wall, hardly noticed, only in the worst ways. "N-no," he stuttered out in fear as the hand rumbled along the hem of his shirt and whispered along the skin stretching across his abdomen.

 _Stop fighting._

The echo of the voice crashed into him and Jensen groaned in pain, held down against a hard surface, arm twisted and pulled into place. Something sharp drove into the small of his back, bending him in half. Like every other time Jensen wondered if this would be the last time, if the lines would finally be pushed too far, if something would finally just make him snap in half and break him apart from the inside out. " _Stop_..." he pleaded though it was useless and he curled in on himself, trying to sink into the wall and disappear.

Fingers, rough and calloused, burnt icy shards along his bruised flesh and Jensen reached out, gasping for air. The thing that pressed into his back was cutting off his air supply and the room was spinning dangerously, twisting his senses into overtime. The foul stench of body fluids washed over him and Jensen let out a strangled sob, trying to keep the noise quiet because anything louder would only anger. Anger was never good, left him broken for days, and the burn of tears along the rim of his eyes was sharp enough to add to the hurt.

 _No one wants you._

It spat a truth that Jensen registered internally, mentally, had possibly always known. Still it was like a fist curled around his heart and Jensen tried to break away from the moment, tried to detach himself because it was the only safe way.

"P-please... s-stop... _stop_.” He pleaded and the blows picked up in their intensity. Jensen twisted on the mattress, tangled himself in a sheet that felt constricted around his legs, as if it were holding him in place, cutting off his life supply.

Jared woke slowly at first. At first he wondered what had woken him then he heard soft noises coming from Jensen's bed. It was rustling at first, soft whimpers. Then it escalated. A sharper cry had Jared pushing up on his elbow to glance over at the other man. Even in the dark Jared could see Jensen was tangled in the sheets, sweat glistening on his forehead in the moonlight.

The first words out of Jensen's mouth made Jared jump and he sat up. Watching as Jensen seemed to be fighting for his life. It was a yell that had Jared throwing the blankets back and moving across to kneel by the other man's bed. His hand hovered hesitantly over Jensen for a moment then he slid his fingers into Jensen's hair. "Jensen?" he kept his voice soft but firm. "Hey, Jensen?"

Pain and pressure were folding in on all sides, forcing him together as if someone had grasped him in their palm and was squeezing until no life remained. Jensen gasped out in agony, swimming through the blinding affect, trying to break free. The part of him that registered that this was only a dream registered the call of his name, just out of reach beyond the haze. Another sharp bolt of fiery agony shot through him and Jensen sobbed, back bending in half as his body twisted on the bed, arms wind milling out into thin air in search for anything to anchor him down.

Jensen's forearm connected hard with Jared's cheek before he managed to grab the flailing hand in his. When Jensen's fingers curled painfully tight around his hand Jared loosened his grip not wanting Jensen to wake and think Jared was hurting him. _God_ he'd never seen anyone look so ... tortured. His free hand clenched into a fist for a moment as Jared watched his roommate thrash. Unsure, he bit down on his bottom lip then rested his hand on Jensen's chest gently, rubbing. "You're okay; I'm here. It's Jared."

For just a moment more everything lingered, brightened, flared dangerously in his mind and then Jensen was breaking free and shooting straight up in bed. His eyes fluttered open in a wide panic and he turned to stare at Jared, vaguely registering him and his _non-threat_ status before he flung across the bed and into his arms. Every part of Jensen shook, tears streamed down his cheeks fast enough to cause the skin beneath him to grow damp and Jensen clung to the man like a vice. His heart was racing hard in his chest, breath stuttering out in shaky exhales as the lingering ghost pain still crushed in around him.

It was a bit of a shock to suddenly find himself with his arms full of sobbing man but it only took Jared a few moments before he wrapped his arms around his roommate. One hand curling over the back of the man's neck, the other rubbing small circle on his lower back Jared murmured softly; _it's okay, I'm here, Jensen_. He had no idea if he was helping and was actually a bit rattled. The idea of nightmares he had in his own mind was nothing compared to this. This was terror, the kind of fear you hope never to experience.

The panic in Jensen was beginning to dim as he came back into himself, became aware that he was no longer in that place and things were different now. Slowly he began to register Jared's soft words, the pulse of blood he could just feel from the place his forehead rested against Jared's neck, the rise and fall of his chest with each breath.

Jensen's own breaths were hiccupped slightly, eyes stinging from the flow of tears, exhaustion creeping through and settling along his bones. Jared was so _warm_ and Jensen couldn't remember the last time he felt the touch of another, at least not in such a pleasant and comforting way. Jensen _almost_ felt like he could stay there forever but reality creeped in and the panic shifted form as his body began to respond to the touch of another. Swallowing thickly he jerked back and fell onto the mattress, rolling into the mattress to bury his head in the pillow, embarrassed by the situation as a whole.

Blowing out a breath Jared leaned on the edge of the mattress for a few moments. Staring at Jensen's prone form he watched the rise and fall of the man's back as he breathed. He was relieved that Jensen seemed to be calming down slightly. "I hope ... that was okay," Jared almost whispered. He wanted to reach out and smooth Jensen's tousled hair but he sensed that moment was over. "Should I leave you alone now?"

It was an odd and unexpected feeling for Jensen, the actual _want_ to be touched by someone. It unsettled him and made his stomach churn in a way that suggested he was going to be sick. Gasping in a breath he nodded, wishing he could be strong enough to thank the man, just something to let him know he appreciated being pulled from the dream. But Jensen wasn't, so he rolled on his side with his back to Jared and pulled the blanket up over his shoulders, wondering if he'd fall right back into the dream or be given a few moments relief.

"Okay, but I'm here if you need me." Smiling Jared climbed back into his bed. "That wasn't so bad Jensen," he whispered. "I hope we can stay roommates." Jared nestled down in his bed.

For a long while Jensen simply stared at the opposite wall, working at keeping himself calm and not overreacting to anything no matter how overwhelming it felt. When he was certain Jared had fallen back asleep he slowly rolled over, staring at the figure on the bed curiously. Jensen had never met anyone like Jared, which was surprisingly a terrifying revelation. Sighing softly he settled back into the pillow and wished for a few hours sleep without dreams.

-=-=-=-

Jensen didn't get much sleep, but that was nothing new. He woke before the sun rose and lay in bed, staring at the lump of Jared's shape on his mattress, watching the body lift and fall with gentle breaths. By the time eight o'clock rolled around Jensen had slipped out of bed, showered and dressed, watching the clock slowly inch closer to breakfast. He knew there was only one breakfast time and he'd learned the hard way that if you missed it you went hungry until lunch. Sure they offered a big bowl of apples in the cafeteria but that could hardly compare to a nice breakfast. Jared didn't seem to be waking at all and Jensen wasn't sure what to do.

Slowly he walked to Jared's bed side and bent over, peering down at the man's sleep sprawled form. Blinking a few times, Jensen considered his options before slowly raising a hand. He could nearly _feel_ every inch of air parting in the wake of his finger's movement as he shifted closer to Jared. The flesh curve of his bottom lip was pouting out slightly and Jensen realized with seconds to spare that his finger was heading for that area. Face flushing with color he hastily redirected his touch and ended up poking Jared's nose a little harder then he'd meant too. Not that he'd meant to touch his nose at all, but now he was frozen in the spot, finger pressed into Jared's nose, eyes wide.

Jared sniffed, eyes opening slowly then he jumped slightly. Eyes almost crossing his gaze moved up the finger that was poking him and eventually settled on Jensen's face. "Was I ..." he hunted for a reasonable explanation, "snoring?" It occurred to him, as his mind managed to shove sleep aside and kick into gear that Jensen looked a little terrified. "I don't bite," Jared said and smiled.

Pulling his hand back slightly Jensen bit down on his bottom lip and continued to stare down at Jared. His heart pattered rapidly, thinking of the night before and what Jared had done. Spreading his fingers slightly Jensen let just the tips brush along Jared's jaw, eyes open and closing slowly as his throat worked around a swallow. His mind was racing, screaming at him to turn and run, but he wanted to thank Jared somehow for being so nice to him and he couldn't begin to find the words to express how Jared's acceptance was important.

Smile softening Jared blinked a few times then let his smile grow. "Good morning... and you're welcome." He didn't understand a lot about what Jensen must have gone through - but he didn't seem _insane_ , he just seemed ... lost somehow; like maybe he was having trouble finding his way _back_ from somewhere.

Sliding back Jensen nodded and turned, half gesturing toward his stomach. A door slammed open in the hall and Jensen could hear Christian screaming - which was actually a fairly normal start of the day - and he turned to that for a moment before looking back at Jared and shrugging, shuffling over to the dresser to get socks.

"Jensen?" Jared pushed back his covers and swung his legs down off the bed stretching his arms up high.

Dropping onto the edge of his bed to pull his socks on Jensen glanced up at Jared and half nodded in an indication for him to continue.

"Can I borrow some socks so I don't have to wear the dead muppet slippers? I can give you a new pair ... once I get some more stuff." Jared tilted his head and smiled.

Lips twitching up in a smile Jensen nodded and slid off the bed once more, reaching into his drawer to grab a pair of socks and toss them at Jared. He watched the man's face illuminate in a smile and tilted his head to the side, considering why that action made his heart flutter so much in response. Looking away he headed for his closet to grab a sweatshirt and slip easily into it.

"Thanks, I hate slippers," pulling first one foot up on the bed then the other Jared tugged the socks on. "It's probably 'cause I have such huge feet, slippers always make me feel like I'm wearing surfboards or something." Chuckling quietly to himself he pushed up off the bed. "Is it breakfast time? Is that why we're up?" He supposed that he could turn and pick up the paper with his schedule but he kind of liked talking to Jensen. The guy had a pretty great smile too, well, what little of it Jared had been able to coax on to his lips.

Nodding Jensen headed for the door, shoulders tensing as he prepared himself for the likely scene of the hallway.

"-but if you use the last of my fucking toothpaste, then get me _new_ toothpaste," Christian was in the middle of saying, huffing in exasperation when Chad - who appeared to be sitting in the middle of the hall scribbling on a notebook - continued to ignore him. "Murray. Murray. Murray. I will kick your _ass_ if you keep channeling your inner prophets or whatever the hell you're doing. A simple nod douche. That's all I require."

Jensen glanced back over his shoulder at Jared and sighed, shaking his head as he stepped into the hall. How those two managed anything beyond not killing each other in their room was a great mystery to him.

"Once more into the breach..." Jared muttered as he followed Jensen out of the room. Forefront in his mind was that after breakfast he might finally get a chance to speak with Dr. Swain and have her explain to him what he was doing there. Stepping over Chad's legs and avoiding eye-contact with Christian - he'd decided to apply the wild animal theory to the man - he followed Jensen down the hallway.

"Kane, you need to calm down - you're going to give yourself a heart attack and there's just _no_ point in that is there?" Chad's voice drifted down the hallway and Jared couldn't help glancing back in time to see a shoe fly out in the hallway and hit Chad in the side of the head. Quickening his step he closed the gap between Jensen and himself. _Safety in numbers_.

"Hey... Jensen? I think I get to see Dr. Swain today - could you show me where her office is after breakfast?" Gazing down at his roommate Jared noticed the dusting of freckles on the man's cheek. "Cute," he murmured.

Jensen's eyes widened as he looked up at Jared, staring owlishly at him for a moment while his face flushed with color. Looking back down quickly to hide the curve up of his lips, Jensen nodded and tried to ignore the pleasant warmth Jared's word had stirred up in him. _Cute_ was not at all how Jensen would describe himself but if someone as good looking as Jared thought he was that, then there had to be some truth to it right?

"Is breakfast good?"

Rolling his shoulders in a shrug Jensen led Jared into the cafeteria and to the line already started for breakfast. He didn't think any of the food here was necessarily _good_ but it wasn't terrible.

"I like food." Jared gazed up the line of people. There were a lot of residents in the institute and as far as he could tell it seems like there were lots of _clumps_ of people who must come from individual wings. All things considered, the people he was sharing space with didn't seem all that bad. Leaning down he whispered against Jensen's ear. "Hey, will you kick me or something if I talk to someone I shouldn't? You know? Like if I'm about to speak to the _one_ guy in here who is well known for killing people or something?"

Surprising himself Jensen let out a small bark of laughter, clamping a hand over his mouth a moment later and glancing up at Jared. It was a nice distraction from the crowd he could feel buzzing and moving around him. Jensen nodded and dropped his hand, twisting his fingers around his clothes and twitching slightly.

Breakfast was the one meal everyone had together, giving Jensen no opportunity to wait until the crowd died down or had yet to grow. The amount of people in one space always got to him in the worse possible way.

Jared stayed close to Jensen's back. "You hate crowds." Already he was learning some of the subtle signs his roommate gave off; the gentle twisting of his fingers, the tendons cording in his neck as his shoulders tensed.

Looking around the milling crowd of people Jensen nodded, stepping back slightly, surprised when his shoulder bumped into Jared's back. He tilted his head up to look at the man, eyebrows pulling together before someone throwing a tray of food across the room caught his attention and his shoulders tensed. He could see the people ripple in affect, heard the voices growing louder, and his foot bounced uneasily along the floor, eyes shooting toward the door and debating whether he could make a quick exit before things could escalate.

"Jensen?" Jared turned slightly, head dipping down so he could speak below the noise of the crowd. "Gonna touch your back okay?" He smiled, hoping it would soothe the man; Jensen suddenly looked like a coiled spring and Jared could almost feel the tension rolling off his body.

The last thing Jensen wanted to do was overreacted to the situation, he could already see the orderlies making their way to the upset man near the front of the line and things were falling back into place but that tension had already built. So, though he never would have been okay with it before, he nodded to Jared's request and forced his eyes to fall closed to take steadying breaths.

Jared spread his fingers wide, sliding his palm onto the small of Jensen's back, gentle, no pressure for him to move. "Just concentrate on that." Jared smiled at the orderlies as they moved past him and angled his body to stop Jensen from being bumped as the line waved back and forth in the dying commotion. "I don't want to miss breakfast, you know? It seems really important. I bet if you listen hard enough you can hear my stomach growling; I'm bad that way. Soon as I wake up I'm hungry." He _thought_ he felt Jensen relax a little but he wasn't sure. The line moved, "one step forward Jensen, line's moving."

Jensen was currently experiencing the oddest thing he'd ever felt. Comfort from the touch of another. It never happened that way, not in Jensen's experience. His heart was racing for a whole new reason and Jensen shuddered for a moment before stepping away, getting his mind back into a safe place. His eyes shot to Jared, softening slightly in a silent plea for understanding.

For whatever the reason, Jared seemed to _get_ him and that was almost as odd as the comfort his touch brought.

Smile unwavering, Jared dropped his hand. "You good now?" It seemed so simple to Jared. _Touch_. But then, it was how he grew up. You love people, you touch them. You care about someone, you touch them. It's just how he expected the world to be. _Obviously_ , that wasn't how Jensen's world had been.

Pursing his lips Jensen nodded, nearly jumping out of his skin a moment later when Sandy appeared out of nowhere and stepped smoothly behind Jared. "Shhh I'm not here okay? You never saw me," she whispered and shot a smile at Jensen before disappearing completely behind Jared. Sure enough, not a minute later two orderlies came walking by and Sandy skillfully guided Jared to be a constant shield.

Trying not to look behind him, or to look too guilty Jared shuffled to the side. "What _didn't_ you do, Sandy?"

Sandy sighed and slid in front of Jared, pushing a hand through her hair. Jensen caught the flash of red skin and frowned, reaching out and hesitating before dropping his hand. He felt bad, knowing the girl had slipped back. Sandy was a constant bubble of energy but he knew better. It was a front, they all had them.

Jeff's Elvis thing, Chad's end of the world thing, Christian's anger, Sandy's happiness. And of course his own silence. He glanced at Jared, wondering what his front was before looking back at Sandy as she spoke. "I may not have snuck into the kitchen and almost got caught."

"You okay?" Jared caught her hand. "Sandy, you should let someone look at that." Jared winced and looked around, dropping her hand. _God_ he was so out of his depth in this place. Shifting back nervously, Jared ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath. He started as Chad skidded to a halt behind him.

"What did I miss?" He craned his neck trying to see the front of the line. "Did I miss everything?"

"It's all over now, the culprit escaped." Jared took a step back from Chad, "Dude, anyone ever teach you about personal space?" He laughed at the wounded look on Chad's face.

"Your germs better than mine new guy?" Fortunately there was an amused glint in Chad's eye.

"Everyone's germs are better than yours," Christian huffed as he stepped up to them, flipping off the people behind Jared and Jensen who grumbled about being cut in line.

"Doesn't stop you from sucking them up," Sandy pointed out in a low whisper, eyes glinting as she looked back at them. "We all know you're full of shit Christian Kane."

His eyebrows lifted as his arms unfolded from his chest and he made a step forward, stopping abruptly when Jensen hissed slightly and half slid in front of Sandy. Probably only because he was still feeling bad that she'd slipped back from her goal, but he could see the surprised look on Christian and Chad's faces, likely Sandy's and possibly Jared's but Jensen had a feeling he'd be more happy than anything else.

"Let's start off today without killing anyone, how about that?" Jared smiled and stepped forward letting his arm rest over Sandy's shoulder and tucking her into his side. "Chad, did you see what was being served for breakfast?" Jared glanced at Jensen and shrugged a shoulder.

"I'll go scout." Chard darted off through the crowd.

Christian eyed Jensen for a moment before turning to look around the room.

"Gee thanks boys," Sandy said quietly, grinning up at Jared. "I'm feeling the love. Now if I could just have you two around as body guards forever," she giggled and bumped her hip against Jared's side. "Probably should know better than to piss off Kane before coffee."

"Damn right," Christian muttered, continuing to look as if he weren't paying attention.

Relaxing a little, Jared cupped the back of Sandy's head and leaned down to whisper. "Flirting with danger your thing for today?" Shaking his head slowly he sighed. He just wanted breakfast. Already, he was learning that even the simplest task seemed to involve a lot of complications in Happy Dale. Chuckling softly Jared looked up the long line. "Hey, Jensen does it usually take a long time to get food?"

Jensen started at being spoken too. He was fairly used to being ignored since most people realized he wasn't going to answer. Looking at Jared he nodded and shrugged, holding up a finger before walking out of the line and toward the front.

Sandy's eyes slid up to Jared, who was watching Jensen, and she laughed softly, "not a good idea Jared."

"What? What did I do?" Jared leaned out trying to see where Jensen had gone.

"I see that look in your eyes. Don't think you're the first person to come in here and totally crush on Jensen. Hell even I was there once, the guy is freaking gorgeous." She sighed wistfully before shaking her head. "But even if you have the advantage ‘cause I'm pretty sure he's gay, he's pretty much completely cut off from society. He's been here longer than anyone else in this entire place and it's not likely to change. So stop now before you just get hurt." She nodded wisely and smiled up at Jared.

Feeling the heat of an embarrassed flush start to creep up his neck Jared shook his head. "You couldn't be more wrong Sandy." He scratched at his forehead. "I mean, wait, he's good looking but I'm not... how about we talk about someone other than me?" Patting Sandy's shoulder he leaned out and saw Jensen on his way back.

She shook her head and opened her mouth as if to add more but cut off when Jensen stepped up to them. He looked between the two for a moment, wondering at the weird looks on their faces before holding up his spread hand and offering Jared the chocolate covered donut resting on a napkin on his palm.

Sandy made a weird squeaking noise and slid around Jared to throw her arm around Christian - who appropriate huffed at the situation - and Jensen looked at her in confusion before looking back at Jared and half smiling.

"Ohhh," Jared moaned happily. "Okay you're awesome." He took the napkin and doughnut, fingers brushing Jensen's hand. " _Thank_ you." Taking a big bite Jared grinned as he chewed. "Want some?" He held the doughnut out to Jensen.

Jensen noticed Christian and Sandy watching them and he shook his head, turning his gaze back to Jared. It didn't seem like that big of a deal to use his _connections_ to get Jared a snack before breakfast but the two were looking at him like he'd grown an extra head or something. Rolling his eyes Jensen shook his head and stepped forward to use Jared's body and block them mostly from view. Lifting his finger he circled the side of his head slowly and glanced up at Jared with a slight smirk.

Laughing, Jared almost choked on his doughnut. It occurred to him that he'd been laughing a lot considering his circumstances.

The doughnut staved off his hunger until they managed to get to the front of the line. Breakfast wasn't too bad considering the things Chad and Christian had been telling him while they waited.

Following along behind Jensen, Jared followed the other man's lead and took the same items he did. Picking up on Jensen's facial expression he avoided the sausages and went heavy on the eggs. They wove their way through the crowd to a table by the window and Jared sat across from Jensen. He liked looking at his roommate’s face; it made it easier to read what he was thinking.

Poking at some egg, Jared speared it and sniffed it then took a small bite. It didn't suck. "Thanks for helping me Jensen. I. I know that I seem pretty together... but it's all kind of a-"

"Jared, my man!" Chad dropped down into the chair beside him like a ton of bricks. Leaning over he picked up a piece of toast of Jared's plate and replaced it with a muffin. "Today's a good day, don't you think? I think it is." Tapping his fingers on the table he looked across at Jensen with a broad smile gracing his features.

Jeff slammed a tray down on the table beside Chad. "You people could let a guy know when you’re leaving. I was bedazzling my t-shirt, and that gluey thing got stuck. God, you should _never_ get frustrated when working with a bedazzler. I think I glued my favorite sweater to my last pair of good jeans." Picking up an apple he took a huge bite.

Jared leaned forward and grinned. Obviously Jeff hadn't had a chance yet to slick his hair and he actually looked like a pretty normal guy all things considered. "Morning Jeff, sorry. I'll call for you next time."

Shaking his head Jensen reached out to open his orange juice. It was pretty impressive to see how well Jared got along with these people, especially considering what a wide range of people they were. In Happy Dale you just tended to stick around the people in your wing because you did all the same things together but Jensen was used to seeing people come and go. He supposed this group was better than some of the people he'd seen before.

"Good morning Elvis." Sandy grinned at him and leaned forward slightly. "Too early for a morning song? You promised you'd sing one just for me today."

"Can you at least let some of us finish our breakfast?" Christian growled, glancing at Chad before muttering a forced, "please."

Jeff beamed across the table and held up a croissant to sing into. " _Love me Sandy, Love me sweet, Never let me go. You have made my life complete, And I love you so._ "   
Actually, Jared was starting to think that Jeff wasn't all that bad a singer. He had to say, the one thing that everyone was providing was a constant distraction.

"Oh.My.God." Chad slid his tray back from his chest, slopping coffee all over it. "Who can eat under these conditions?" He shrugged and stared over at Jared, eyes-wide.

Laughing softly, Jared shrugged back and leaned forward to listen.

Jeff simply sang louder. " _Love me Sandy, Love me true, All my dreams fulfilled._ " Pushing his chair back he leaned one hand on the table and stretched across to flutter his eyelashes at Sandy. " _For my darlin I love you, And I always will._ " He dragged the last note out until Jared was pretty sure he should have run out of air. When the sound finally died out Jared was the first one to clap.

Jensen glanced at Sandy's bright red face and Jared's enthusiastic clapping and smiled softly, head dipping down as he stared at the table. He could feel everyone's eyes in the room on them, which was pretty much exactly what Jeff was going for. It made Jensen nervous and uncomfortable though. And as people meandered over to talk to Jeff, a constant beacon for adoring crazies, Jensen's shoulders tensed. Under all the confusion and distraction he pushed up and quickly gathered his uneaten food, heading swiftly through the cafeteria.

"I love how you worked my name in there!" Sandy grinned brightly, smile falling when a hand came to rest on her shoulder and she looked back to spot Dr. Hopkins there. "Wondered when you'd turn up. No need to ask, I'll go with," she shrugged and reached out to ruffle Jeff's still sleep tousled hair. "Thanks Jeffy, I needed a pick me up."

"You're welcome sweetheart, you hang in there." Jeff tossed his croissant back onto his tray.

Jared was pretty sure he could see concern in Jeff's eyes, concern for Sandy. For some reason, it surprised him and touched him at the same time. Odd. Looking up he turned to smile at Jensen only to notice that he was heading off.

He finished his breakfast amidst the chaos of their table and took his tray in the general direction that people seemed to be heading. There was a conveyor belt where people left the debris and it disappeared back into the kitchen. Jared was peering down the conveyor belt watching the anonymous hands clear the trays when he noticed Jensen out of the corner of his eye.

Wandering over to the door he smiled as he walked up to Jensen. "You waited for me, thank you." He noticed that Jensen looked a little frayed around the edges, worn. "Can you show me where Dr. Swain's office is? Is it still okay?"

Looking up at Jared he nodded and started off down the hall, shaking the tension from his shoulders. He always tried to sit alone at meals but they wouldn't let him, unsurprisingly, his little group of rough around the edges inmates were very persistent. Sighing softly Jensen once more slid his eyes over to Jared and swayed slightly, brushing their arms together for just a moment before pulling in on himself as they rounded a corner.

-=-=-=-

It turned out that Jared's appointment started about ten minutes after he arrived at the door to Dr. Swain's office. Conversation being what it was with Jensen, Jared told his roommate he was fine and passed the ten minutes trying to figure out some sort of mental script for his first discussion with Dr. Swain. Almost at the same second as the clock ticked over to nine am the door swung open and Dr. Swain was there minus her red shoes to invite Jared inside with a wave or her hand.

"Jared, how are you settling in?" She slid back into the overstuffed leather chair behind her desk.

Shrugging, Jared sank down into the chair opposite the desk. "Kind of up and down actually, listen," Jared figured he might as well just dive right in. "I feel like I've been really patient here but we need to talk. I ... I don't belong here. I don't know what you were told ... but this is all a big mistake. How can I be committed for something that I didn't do."

"You didn't take an overdose of medication?" Her voice was so calm and reasonable that Jared knew he was going to hate her by the time he left that _damn_ office.

"N-No I didn't... I mean I did - but it's not like I knew what I was doing." He shrugged and shifted uncomfortably on the seat. The chair was just the right height to be annoying.

Dr. Swain made some notes then looked up, resting her pen on her notebook. "You weren't aware of what you were doing?"

"Don't twist my words around." Folding his arms Jared glared at her for a moment.

"I'm just trying to understand what you think happened, Jared. Can you tell me what happened the night that you were taken to emergency?"

 _What happened?_ Tom. Tom had happened. "My boyfriend, the guy I thought I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with dumped me. And... I did what I think is a perfectly normal thing and I got some booze and some shitty movies and I drank until I thought things were gonna feel better." Lifting one hand to scratch at the back of his ear Jared frowned.

"Did that help? The drinking?" Dr. Swain's expression had actually softened and Jared didn't feel quite so sure she was out to get him.

"Of course not, it never helps. That's why..." Jared broke off mid-sentence frustrated at his inability to get his point across without it sounding all wrong.

"That's why... what?" The Doctor's voice was gentle.

"I had a really bad headache and I was tired of feeling really shitty about myself. Tom ... it wasn't what I thought it was and you're supposed to be able to know that kind of thing. My life is pretty crazy, you know?" Huffing out a laugh he shook his head. "And I mean crazy in the _so-much-going-on_ kind of way not the ..." he waved away the rest of his statement, a sudden scream from the hallway illustrating his point.

"Is there anything you'd like to accomplish during your time here?"

It was a fairly simple question but Jared got stuck on the fact that there was no forthcoming discussion about him leaving. "Can we rewind to where we're talking about me not belonging here?"

"If you'd like." She closed her notebook and leaned her hands on it. "But, let me be clear Jared. The minimum thirty day stay here is not up for negotiation. You were admitted to the emergency room with enough alcohol and medication in your system that's it's, frankly, a bit of a miracle that you're alive. We can use these sessions to speak about why you don't belong here or we can use them to figure out how this can become a positive experience for you. Ultimately, it's your choice."

Tightening his arms across his chest Jared pressed his lips into a thin line.

"Are you getting along alright with Jensen? I can assign you to another wing if you'd be more comfortable." She crossed her legs under the desk and he chair made a strange squeaking sound.

"He just has nightmares, why does everyone talk about him like he's a fucking axe murderer?" Jared spat the words out, probably sounding far harsher than he would dare be to anyone normally. Closing his eyes for a moment he tried to calm himself down a little. "He's fine, he's been helpful."

"Jared, I think we'll stop for today. I have some of your things waiting for you at the Nurse's station, clothes, some personal effects ... and I'd like..."

"Who brought it?" Jared leaned forward in the chair.

"I'm not sure. Administration would have contacted the first available next of kin upon your admittance." She tilted her head slightly, eyes locked with Jared's.

He suddenly felt like he was being x-rayed or something and looked away. He knew who'd brought his things; Tom was the only person with a key. None of Jared's family lived close enough and he doubted that they'd even been notified. The only contact in his wallet would have been Tom. "Great," he muttered.

Dr. Swain's eyes widened, "pardon me?"

"Nothing."

Sighing, smile suddenly on her face Dr. Swain pushed her chair back and stood. "Jared, if you don't feel ready to speak with me what about trying to speak to another one of our residents? Sometimes, that's a bit easier for people when they first arrive.”

Shaking his head, Jared stood and pulled the door open. "Yeah, I'll ... uh... think about that." The images of breakfast that morning flooded through his mind and he couldn't imagine why he would speak to anyone - and even if he did - what they'd be able to help him with. Without another word he left, heading straight for the nurses’ station to pick up his things then down the hall to his room.

Of course, Jensen was there. He didn't seem to venture out much unless he had to. Without speaking Jared dumped the box on his bed and opened it. It was mostly clothes, just the usual: jeans, boxers, t-shirts, a couple of hoodies and some socks. Tom had put in his journal, the book he was reading and a box of his favorite cookies. It seemed a ridiculous thing to send.

"Fucking cookies," he murmured and threw the box against the wall. More than a year together and Tom brought him a box of cookies. No note. Nothing really personal, nothing that meant he cared. But then he didn't care. That's why he'd left. That's why Jared had been drunk because his _relationship_ wasn't the same thing to him that it was to Tom. It wasn't Tom's final destination, hell, Jared wasn't even sure if he was much more than a stopover. The thing was, Tom had told him some of the things he needed to hear. Jared was sure of it. He couldn't be _that_ naive that he's just created something out of thin air that was never there. At least, he didn't think he could.

Knocking everything off the bed Jared climbed onto the mattress, tucked his arms under the pillow and tried hard to ... cry quietly.

Jared's sudden appearance in the room startled Jensen and he stared with slightly wide eyes as the guy threw things around on his bed before collapsing onto it and folding in on himself. A fairly impressive feat considering how tall he was. The sane thing to do would have been to get up and leave, allow Jared some privacy to take out his apparent anger over cookies.

But Jensen hadn't been put in here because he was _sane_.

So he climbed slowly off his bed and crossed to Jared's, staring down at the crying man. Jensen wanted to comfort Jared like Jared had comforted him but he had pretty much no experience in the matter. So he did what he'd seen the others doing and slid onto the edge of the bed, extending his body beside Jared's, and reached to lay a hand slowly on the small of his back, rubbing in gentle circles.

Jensen's hand was warm on his back and it tugged at Jared, pulling him back from the hurt slightly. Turning his head so he could see the other man, Jared wiped at his face. "Sorry," he murmured. _Sorry_. There were so many things for Jared to be sorry for. He shouldn't have trusted anyone, certainly not Tom. He shouldn't have ended up in this place ... _the pills_ ... he was almost ashamed. "I. I wasn't _trying_ to kill myself you know?"

Blinking slowly at him Jensen nodded and pulled his hand back, staring at his palm before lifting his eyes to Jared once more. Turning slightly Jensen reached out to snag the box of tissues on his nightstand, offering it to Jared with a slight smile and an encouraging nod. He could listen; this was something Jensen was fully capable of.

It appeared that Jared's meeting with Dr. Swain hadn't gone well but really, he wasn't that surprised. Meeting with that one had a way of bringing even the strongest man to his knees.

Jared took a Kleenex and wiped it across his eyes. "Thanks. I was kinda hoping," he sighed, "that after I met with her I'd be going home. Guess that's not in the cards right now."

Reaching down, Jared picked up the hem of Jensen's sweat shirt and rolled it between his fingers. "Hey... you want a hoodie in exchange for the socks?" Sitting up beside Jensen he reached down behind him snatching a sweat shirt off the floor. "Here, s'my favorite. It's really warm and soft..." His fingers rubbed the material for a few moments then he held the hoodie out to Jensen.

Curling his fingers down around his sweatshirt Jensen pulled it off before reaching out for Jared's and tugging it on. Instantly he was bathed in warmth and the scent of Jared - indescribable and surprisingly pleasant. It was soft, well worn, and big enough to hang off Jensen loosely. Looking up at Jared, he smiled and instinctively reached out, tucking a loose strand of hair behind his ear.

Jared tilted his head smiling fondly at his roommate. "Do you think I could have done that ... without knowing? Like maybe one part of me knew that taking those pills... would..." His smile faded and he looked down at Jensen's hand. Stretching his finger out he touched just the tip of his finger to the tip of Jensen's. "Do you think part of me wanted..." There were some things that Jared just couldn't say out loud.

Staring at the place their fingers touched Jensen frowned slightly and pressed in, curious and possibly a little too fixated on the warmth of Jared's skin against his, even at such a small area. Looking back up at Jared he nodded, thinking Jared might be more right on his question then he knew. Sometimes a person's subconscious could take hold. Jensen had experienced that before.

"So, what I have to do is figure out ..." he thought about it for a few moments. _Figure out what?_ "I thought there would be a time when I could relax. A time, when I would wake up one morning and be able to say ... hey Jared you don't have to worry anymore. This is the one. _This_ is the guy you're meant to be with for the rest of your life. And I thought-" Jared sighed and ran his free hand through his hair roughly.

Without really thinking about it he ran his finger over the smooth nail on Jensen's finger. His voice was softer, when he spoke, just for the two of them to hear. "I thought he was that one.... does that make me stupid?"

Jensen's heart clenched in pain for the man and he shook his head. It wasn't something he could relate to on a personal level but he'd seen enough people come in this place as a result from a bad breakup. He couldn't even imagine being that affected by a person, loving them to the point that you could break apart so drastically. Everyone had their reasons though, and Jared seemed like a pretty put together guy with a couple of bumps in the road that hit him hard enough to burn.

"Do you have someone?" Jared looked up to meet Jensen's gaze. There was always a lot going on behind those eyes.

Huffing out a small breath in disbelief Jensen shook his head. Clearly Jared had no idea how long he'd been in here and how very unlikely it was that he'd ever have anyone. Who would want a boyfriend who screamed in the middle of the night but never talked otherwise?

"Guess we're the same then..." Taking a deep breath Jared flopped back on the bed and grabbed a pillow to tuck under his head. "Maybe I should just give up on the whole idea. Can't get fucked up if ya don't trust anyone yeah?" He rolled his head to the side and blinked up a Jensen.

 _Can't get anyone if you don't trust_ Jensen thought, considered telling Jared that before shrugging. Shifting to the edge of the bed Jensen bent to rest his elbows on his knees, palms digging into his eyes. There were many things Jensen thought he could say to Jared and for the first time in a long while, Jensen found himself actually _wanting_ to say these things.

Reaching his hand out Jared curled it round Jensen's arm. "Hey... you okay?" He'd never realized before how difficult it could be to read someone. All of this made him wonder how much of what people said was _really_ what they felt anyway. "Sometimes, being quiet is good. Sometimes... it must be hard."

Swallowing around the bubble of emotion Jensen nodded and turned his head to look at the hand around is arm. And, for the first time in his life, Jensen felt like someone actually understood him. Jensen wondered what that meant, why it was Jared, and what would happen as a result of it.


	3. Chapter 3

For almost a year and a half Jensen had watched people go in and out of Happy Dale and it generally was always the same deal. He never got to know them much outside the issues that drove them to insanity in the first place. But, with Jared, it seemed like a completely different situation.

Jared spoke to him like he might actually speak back, and didn't seem inclined to change his opinion on the matter. Over time people generally gave up hope on Jensen, especially when they learned how long he'd been here without speaking, but Jared didn't. It only added to Jensen's unsettled swirling of emotions because Jared generally seemed to _care_ and Jensen couldn't ever remember someone caring.

So listening to Jared babble on about whatever he wanted to talk about wasn't a problem, even if there were times he wanted nothing more than to have the strength to answer.

Once he gave up on the idea of his time in the Institute being a _mistake_ Jared felt the weight of his own actions sinking down onto his shoulders. Tom had given Jared something, a confidence, a worth that he hadn't been able to find within himself. After meeting with Dr. Swain again, feeling just as frustrated with her _and_ with himself Jared suddenly realized he was looking forward to talking to Jensen.

It wasn't that he didn't talk. It wasn't that he was quiet or that he was so gentle. There was just something about Jensen that was calming, that gave Jared the idea that it was okay to talk about himself. Jensen seemed to want to hear what Jared had to say - at least for the most part. Their room, behind the closed door became the safe world for Jared. Somewhere he mattered.

Probably the most surprising thing about having Jared around was the nights. Jensen had assumed that Jared woke him the first night on a fluke, a misunderstanding that Jensen was so easily soothed. He'd been completely anticipating yet another dream on the second night and Jared's annoyed huff that usually came from his roommates as the dreams only continued.

But just like the first night Jared had woken him and offered any way to help. And like the night before Jensen had simply clung to him until he registered his actions then pulled away. It became a ritual of their nights, though Jensen was beginning to think his dreams seemed shorter and shorter, as if Jared had learned the signs and knew when to wake him. It only added to the swell of nerves tangled a pleasant warmth that Jensen couldn't name.

For his part, Jared got used to Jensen's nightmares with time, although it still unsettled him a little. It seemed sad that the man had gone through something so frightening, something that had just changed him so remarkably that Jared wasn't even sure he could comprehend it. But in the strangest way, it made Jared feel like he was giving something back in exchange for all the hours that Jensen spent listening to him.

He would climb out of bed, earlier each night and smooth Jensen's hair back from his forehead until the dream became so difficult, so intense that Jared would wake Jensen as carefully as he could. In the light of day he never mentioned the nightmares, didn't ever ask what was so frightening in Jensen's mind ... no judgment.

On the sixth night Jensen's dream took on an unexpected intensity. He had found over the past few days that things in his usual normality were gradually shifting. He smiled more, even found himself laughing a few times in response to something Jared said, and even the people in their crazy little meetings seemed less intense. As if Jared brought with him a whole new way to look at the world. Jensen thought even Christian seemed a little more calm than usual which was really a great feet.

Then Jensen fell into his usual restless slumber and he was shot almost instantly into dreams. The foggy blur, familiar and cold, swirled around his senses, sending him back in time. Jensen stared down at his tiny hand and frantically tried to tell himself this wasn't real, this wasn't his life any longer, but a distant voice was screaming his name and kids were sneering teasingly. Jensen was just a child, cowering in the corner, seeking a way out from the tormenting voices tearing at him piece by piece.

Out of nowhere a hand was around his neck, curling into his shirt and dragging him across the cool wood floor. His leg caught on a nail jutting up from the floor and tore along his skin. Jensen cried out in pain moments before stairs tumbled beneath his vision, body bending and snapping until crashing down hard on the cold cement of the basement floor. That voice told him familiar instructions, he'd been in this place, and he knew what it meant. He'd done something wrong, broken some rule, stepped into the line of sight before he should and now he was made to pay.

Blows rained down on him on all sides and Jensen snapped on the mattress, cried out in fear and pain. Something snapped, bent, broke, and pain shot sharp enough through him to cause his stomach to churn and contract. The punishment for losing the piece of bread that made up his meal for the day was a swift kick along cement floor and Jensen began a steady and swift plea for mercy, the only thing he could do, hope and pray that this would be the end, the last time. The face was too vivid, the sneers too loud, and Jensen couldn't escape.

Jared had been tired when he'd fallen into bed. Christian had been hollering at Chad until late at night when an orderly had finally split them apart and Jared had fallen into a deep sleep. Jensen's cries woke him late and he slid out of his bed and stumbled quickly across the room. He couldn't wake Jensen at first, the man was _so_ lost in some nightmarish _other_ world the Jared felt a little twinge of panic.

Staring down at Jensen for a few moments, Jared ran his hand through his hair and made up his mind. Sitting down, he stretched out and slid his arm under Jensen's neck pulling the other man up against his chest. "Jensen? Come on, you need to wake up. Don't like it when you're so upset." Rubbing his broad palm on Jensen's chest he tried to wake him roommate. "Hey, Jensen, come on..."

Jensen woke with a gasp, eyes shooting open and his body curled forward into the warmth of the man. _Just Jared, just Jared_ , he repeated over and over, trying to calm himself with deep inhales. Stuttering out a sob Jensen pressed hard into Jared's body, head burying into the man's neck as his arms wrapped around him. Jensen's dreams were always blurry, foggy images of things, but this time he'd seen faces, people he'd _known_ and it shot him into a past he tried desperately to shy away from.

Sliding down a little on the bed, Jared wrapped his long arms around his roommate so he could rub his back gently. "S'okay now," he whispered, "you're just with me." Stretching his shoulder a little, Jared slid his hand up over the back of Jensen's skull, cradling his head as his thumb moved back and forth slowly. "Ya okay?" Jared brushed his lips across Jensen's damp forehead, " _God_ , I hate that I can't make this stop."

It occurred to Jensen that Jared would be preparing himself to pull away like usual, head back to his own bed to try and get some real sleep. The idea alone had Jensen curling even more into Jared's body. This time he didn't want him to go away; he needed this warmth and comfort.

Jensen tightened his arms around Jared's body, hooking a leg around Jared's, nearly crawling on to him as his heart continued its painful racing. The tears were steadily trailing off but Jensen could still feel the pain.

Brow furrowing slightly Jared blinked in the darkness, whispering, "I wish you could tell me... I wish I could fix it." Sliding his arm down Jensen's back he pulled him as close as he could and tucked the man's head under his chin. It broke his heart to see Jensen's like this, so terrified, it was bad enough during the day when the poorly disguised terror was still lurking behind those green eyes - but _God_ at night it was right there.

As his heart slowly began to settle out into something normal, Jensen's grip on Jared loosened but he didn't pull away. It suddenly seemed like having him, holding him close, was the most important thing in the world. Jensen's hands spread wide across Jared's bare back and his mind shifted in a different, unexpected direction. It was a good thing he was wearing Jared's sweatshirt because Jensen wasn't sure how he'd react to Jared's skin against his own.

Swallowing thickly Jensen slid his fingers up into Jared's hair, content to let his mind drift to something other than the haunting nightmare. He wanted to ask Jared to stay but that seemed far too needy to be the first thing he managed to say to the man so he hoped that he understood without words.

A slightly puzzled expression flitted across Jared face and he pulled back a little, trying to catch a glimpse of Jensen's eyes in the darkness. "You want me to stay for a while? It's about an hour till the bed check." His voice was quiet, heart still racing a little from adrenaline ... or maybe something else he couldn't quite put his finger on. Settling his head on Jensen's pillow he smiled.

Jensen nodded slowly and settled onto the pillow with Jared, staring at him with sleepy eyes. The man was quite stunning, especially in moments like these, when his hair was sleep ruffled, skin still flushed slightly. Wetting his lips slowly, Jensen withdrew his hand enough to gently touch Jared's jaw, caressing the skin with a slow slid of the tips of his fingers. Jensen's heart dipped oddly and his eyes widened, mind reeling in wonder at himself.

Jared laughed softly, trying to be quiet. "Whatcha lookin' at," he whispered, "guess you can't tell me." Wriggling down a bit Jared loosened his hold on Jensen long enough to yank his blanket over them. "S'cold at night." Jared slung his arm back over Jensen's back and grabbed a handful of sweatshirt. Jensen's touch was strangely comforting, and Jared closed his eyes. "Like it when you do that... makes me feel... _here_."

Watching the lines on Jared's face relax Jensen pulse quickened once more. Jensen had no experience with people in a physical way, which didn't mean he didn't want that, but it was understandably difficult when you were a person that came with so much baggage. And Jensen had really grown accustomed to the idea that he was likely to spend the rest of his life not only alone but most likely in this place. For the first time though, Jensen found himself thinking of the possibility of more. Wetting his lips once more Jensen slid forward a few inches, eyes fluttering closed as his lips brushed just barely over Jared's in a slow glide.

It shocked Jared a little, not because it was entirely unpleasant ... just not what he expected. Jensen's lips were soft and warm and Jared couldn't help smiling at the _almost_ innocence of the kiss. Maybe it was the long lashes on the man's cheeks, the freckles, he didn't know - it just seemed chaste and sweet. Jensen slid back quickly and Jared rubbed his teeth along his bottom lip. "Um... thanks... "

For some reason his mind chose that moment to absorb the fact that Jensen was more than just a friend with a problem; Jensen was a fantastic looking guy, in boxers and a baggy sweatshirt and he was lying almost across Jared's chest and it was the middle of the night and... yeah, he'd kissed him. "I should probably..." Jared gestured to his own bed but didn't move, scared he would shake the foundation of the trust Jensen seemed to have built with him.

Jensen's heart sank slightly though he was smart enough to acknowledge several truths. Such as Jared's sanity in comparison to his own, and the fact that Jared was in this place to begin with because of being dumped. Someone who affected him that much was likely to have been Jared's boyfriend for a long time and though Jared had never said officially how long the two had been dating, Jensen assumed it had been more than a year at least.

And finally, Jensen was the _last_ person Jared was likely to want to get involved with, especially already knowing how he was at night, how broken he was. Hell, even dating someone like Chad would be better than Jensen; at least the guy spoke even if it involved the word apocalypse more often than not. Jensen slid back, detaching himself from Jared's body and dropping his gaze, rolling away to bury himself under the blanket once more.

"I didn't..." _Typical._ All that Jared had managed to accomplish was exactly what he was trying not to do. Reaching out Jared let his hand hover near Jensen's back for a few moments before curling his fingers into his palm and pulling his hand back. "I didn't mean I didn't like it," he whispered. A noise from the hallway startled him into motion and he slipped out of Jensen's bed and hopped back into his own quickly pulling the covers up over himself.

Eyes clenching shut Jensen pulled the blanket over his head and burrowed down into the mattress. Jared was nice, too nice, and Jensen should know better. They could never be anything anyway, Jensen knew that. He wasn't getting better; he didn't have goals to set him on the right path. Jared would get better and move on; Jensen would only get hurt if he let himself grow more attached. So he could be the friend and listen, but he needed to clamp down everything else before it got out of hand.

"Hey... Jensen?" Jared whispered softly and leaned up so he could see his roommate. "You know how Dr. Swain made me have a goal? Asked me what I wanted?"

Rolling slightly, Jensen pulled the blanket back enough to gaze out at Jared, nodding slowly.

"Maybe ... if you wanted a small one? Yours could be to say something to me." He smiled, pulling his covers up and nestling back down into his bed. "I'd like that a lot."

Jensen rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling as he thought about speaking to Jared. There was millions of things he _could_ say but actually getting them out seemed too impossible. Speaking for the first time in almost three years, extending that level of connection with someone felt almost too much, but if there was anyone to speak with, Jared would be the one. Maybe he would. One day.

-=-=-=-

"And thus I think, every person should be allowed the right to sing in all places at once. It should not only be legal but it should be _encouraged_." Sandy finished with a passionate sigh and dropped down into her chair that she had stood in only moments before.

"And, I whole-heartedly agree." Jeff looked quite pleased and winked at Sandy.

The group stared at Sandy for a moment before Dr. Hopkins cleared her throat and nodded. "Well... yes. I think that might make for a more amusing life though I can't necessarily say that's a good thing." She smiled softly at Sandy before turning to the side and eying the other half of the group. "So, Christian, do you have anything you would like to share with the group?"

The silence of the group intensified as everyone's gazes shifted to Christian. The man shuffled uncomfortably in his seat, staring down at the floor as a hand dragged up through his hair. "Uh... yeah. I. This is my last meeting. Tomorrow I'll be going home." His voice was tight as he spoke the words, eyes not lifting up from the floor.

Jensen's eyes widened slightly, surprised the man didn't seem more relieved. It was supposed to be _good_ news. Christian looked like he was waiting for a bomb to go off or something.

"You're l..leaving?" Chad pushed to the edge of his seat, eyes widening as his lips moved as if to say more.

Jared bit down on his bottom lip for a moment and glanced at Jensen. "Well," he looked across at Christian, "that's a good thing right?"

"It's a very good thing," Dr. Hopkins said, voice oddly curious.

Jeff looked from Chad to Christian and then to Sandy. "Damn straight, it's good."

Sandy, who seemed to sense the need to step in, jumped off her chair and crossed the room, throwing her arms around Christian in a hug. "That's so good Christian, congratulations."

Pushing out of his chair as well Christian returned the hug, nodding as he broke the hug and let Dr. Hopkins step forward for one.

"We should celebrate; it's always a good thing to see a patient improving so much." She smiled as she stepped back, turning to gather her pad of paper.

Christian's eyes shot to Chad, hesitating before moving toward him slightly. "Chad?"

"You didn't tell me." Chad's eyes were watery and wide, fingers clenching tightly into his sweats. "Why the fuck didn't you tell me?" Chad pushed forward to the edge of his chair.

Jared glanced over at the Doctor, imploring her with his eyes to do something. She seemed disinclined to interfere. "Christian?" Moving his eyes back toward Christian and Chad he smiled. "Christian? What was... what was your goal?" Jared didn't know how to help either man, maybe distracting Chad from saying something that might get them in trouble.

"Well, calming down some was one," Christian said quietly, sighing through a long exhale. "I actually was just required to stay here for a while... until I could prove that I wasn't going to snap the neck of the next man I saw."

"No offense Christian but you don't seem any less calm," Sandy pointed out, half sliding behind Jared the moment she said the words.

Christian scoffed and rolled his shoulders in a shrug, "well I proved that I am calm enough I guess."

"Why don't we all head to the rec room, I think I can rustle up some things for us to use in celebration," Dr. Hopkins interrupted, smiling at them all before heading for the door and leaving the room.

The moment she was gone Jensen reached out to tug on Jared's sleeve while Christian turned to Chad and stepped closer. "Chad, I just found out today. I wasn't purposefully not telling you Jesus I'm not a complete asshole."

"I don't believe you." Chad turned and started to walk away.

"Chad," Jared was torn. He knew Jensen didn't want to be in the room if tempers were lost but he didn't want Christian's status to be put in jeopardy by a slip of his temper. "Come on, Chad. Let's sit back down and talk about this." Jared slid his sleeve out of Jensen's grip and grabbed his hand and pulled him closer.

"Jared shut up and leave me alone." Tears were sliding unimpeded down Chad's face as he turned back toward Christian. "You telling me that in your appointments with Dr. Swain you never talked about when you might leave?"

Christian's sigh this time around was much heavier with annoyance and he slid forward, grabbing Chad with firm fingers curled around his arms. "Because I knew you were going to be like this. We all leave this place eventually Chad." His voice strained the words, almost an half growl. "Except for Jensen. And I don't know about you but I don't want to spend the rest of my life locked up in this hell hole where we can't even fu-" Christian cut off sharply and rubbed angrily at his forehead.

Jensen cringed slightly and turned away; wishing Christian wasn't so bluntly truthful about the matter.

The words sank in to Jared's brain slowly. _We all leave this place ... except for Jensen._ He threaded his fingers through Jensen's - keeping an eye on the doorway for the doctor. "Christian, don't talk here ... come on you two." Jared ran a hand through his hair, "come and do the celebration thing then talk alone, when it's quiet."

Chad pulled out of Christian's arms and fell down into his chair heavily. "I don't want to celebrate." He started to rock back and forth slowly. "You'll leave... you'll leave tomorrow and then everything will end on Tuesday and ... I will have been alone."

"The world isn't going to end on Tuesday, Chad," Christian said, voice more gentle then Jensen had ever heard it, causing him to turn around and watch in slight wonder as the man dropped into the seat beside Chad and wrapped an arm around him. Out of the corner of his eyes he spotted Sandy sliding across the room, dragging Jeff by the sleeve so they could stand just outside the doorway and distract Dr. Hopkins if she came back. Christian continued, "Chad... I'm coming to visit you on Wednesday, and when I do I'll be able to kiss you right in front of everyone because the world will still be going and no one can stop us okay?"

"You won't... there won't be..." Chad was starting to pant softly. "No..." he shook his head slowly from side to side. "You promise, you don't break promises."

Feeling like he should hold his breath, Jared found himself stepping a little closer, willing Christian to promise.

"I promise, Chad." Christian reached out to cup Chad's jaw, tilting his head up. "I'll be here on Wednesday but you have to remember I'm coming." He dipped forward and let their foreheads rest together.

Jensen was watching the entire situation with a type of rapt fascination. Clearly the two cared for each other, maybe more than people really knew. He'd never seen Christian be so soft and gentle with a person and he wondered if this was what they were like behind closed doors. His fingers tightened against Jared's, blinking a few times before looking down to stare in mild surprise at the place their hands touched. The action had felt natural, right, and Jensen's heart fluttered oddly in his chest.

Smiling, Jared stepped closer again. "We'll remind him, right Jensen?"

Jeff took three big steps back into the room, "God I forgot my _hair_ piece on the chair." Turning quickly, he hissed out, "now would be a good time for you all to get _out_ here and help us." Taking three big steps forward again he pinched Sandy's ass making her leap forward slightly and knock the Doctor’s drink all over her skirt.

With a quick nod Jensen dropped Jared's hand Jensen slid across the room and out into the hallway, pretending the flush on his face wasn't so clearly obvious.

"I promise," Christian whispered once more and brushed a quick kiss across Chad's lips before rising swiftly and heading for the door after Jensen, huffing a quick, "so what the fuck does a free man get to celebrate?"

Jared watched Jensen leave, a slight smile on his face then walked over and held out his hand to Chad. "Come on you. I want you to tell me your secrets for getting out of here."

Reaching out, Chad grabbed the bottom of Jared t-shirt and wiped his face. "Okay. I think she probably has a cake." He blinked up at Jared, tears still glistening along his lashes. "He will come right?"

Plucking his damp t-shirt out of Chad's fingers, Jared smiled and yanked Chad up to his feet. "He'll come back on Wednesday and I will remind you every time I see you."

They walked out into the other room.

"Cake!" Jeff screamed across the room when they walked through the doorway.

-=-=-=-

The cake had a lot of sugar in it. Giving crazy people sugar didn't seem like a particularly good idea to Jared but everyone was in relatively good spirits after the initial confusion. Jared sneaked away once everyone was settled in the living room playing cards, padded down the hallway and slipped into his room. He just wanted a couple of minutes to think about things. He had to figure out what he needed to accomplish to get out of there. He wanted to go back to his life, his house, get a dog ... live.

And... Jensen.... reaching over his head he tugged his t-shirt up and off then tossed it into the hamper. Shedding his sweats he lay down on the bed in his boxers. Jensen was great to be around, sweet, smart, _beautiful_. But what if Christian was right? Was there any point in being Jensen's friend if it meant having to visit a place like this for the rest of his life? So strange.

Jensen had seen Jared leave and managed to stay in one place long enough to not raise suspicion before he pushed up and headed down the hall. The moment he entered the room his eyes shot to Jared on his boxers on the bed, eyes widening slightly as his eyebrows lifted. The man was freaking gorgeous, more and more it seemed every time Jensen saw him. He had to force his gaze away, tugging off his sweatshirt and moving to the closet to hang it up. He wanted to ask Jared about his thoughts on Christian and Chad but that definitely didn't seem like the right first conversation subject.

Opening his eyes, Jared glanced over at Jensen. "It's great to see Christian like that... the way he is with Chad... don't you think?"

Turning back to his bed Jensen pulled off his shirt and nodded. Those two were lucky. If Chad could get over his whole, end of the world issue then they had a real chance of making it. He sincerely hoped Christian came on Wednesday because Chad was likely to lose it otherwise and likely for good. Sighing softly he pushed his jeans down, carrying them over to the basket of dirty clothes.

"I don't think I'll ever have anything like that. You know at one point in time I thought it was Tom for me. Hey-" Jared pushed up on his elbows so he could get a better look at Jensen. His eyes dragged over the other man's muscular back for a few moments, then with a slight frown, he looked down at his feet. "Do you want someone like that?"

Climbing onto the bed Jensen rolled to his side to stare at Jensen, nodding. It made sense to him that everyone would want someone like that, but he was beginning to think the chances of him getting that were little to none. That first little kiss with Jared certainly hadn't gone that well.

"I've got too many problems." Jared lay back down on his bed, and tucked his arms behind his head. "You know, I'm just this big goof and I mess up things, relationships especially. Maybe that's why Tom... why I was never enough for him." Closing his eyes he thought back to the look on Christian's face when he'd made his promise to Chad. Jared had never seen that look. "I want someone who looked at me like Christian looked at Chad. Did you see the way he looked at him?"

Jensen stared at Jared, watching him breathe, chest rising slowly up and down. Of course he'd seen how Christian looked at Chad, sheer devotion in his eyes. Chad was so fucking lucky he had no idea. If _those two_ could find love in this mad house then anyone should be able too. Jensen had about a million arguments he could have made to Jared about his _too many problems_ but who was he to fight Jared on self-confidence issues? So he just flopped back on his bed and sighed softly.

"It's beautiful when two people feel like that about each other." Jared sat up, slid off his bed and padded over to sit down on the edge of Jensen's bed. "Have you ever had that with someone?"

Looking up at him Jensen's eyebrows lifted as if Jared was foolish for even asking that. He was fairly certain they'd discussed this before, but it was quite possible Jensen had just had the conversation internally. Sighing once more he shook his head and scratched along his chest.

"I think I would have to change a lot, don't think I'm worth it, ya know?" Jared shifted back so he was leaning against Jensen's legs. "Do you think if I changed, if I somehow managed to get better - you know be worth something - that I could get Tom back?"

Frowning, Jensen shifted away, scooting along the edge of the mattress and staring at Jared. Why would he want to get back together with someone who had hurt him so badly? Jensen may not know much when it came to relationships or being with someone but this seemed pretty obvious.

Looking down at his hands Jared twisted his fingers together. "I guess you don't think he would want me back. It's just that he seemed like he could put up with me. He said that there were some good things about me even though he said I was a bit of a disaster." Sighing Jared pushed his hair away from his cheek. "Do you think I deserved this?" He blinked over at Jensen, wide-eyed in the dimly lit room.

Jensen shook his head roughly, imploring Jared to understand, wishing he could just get over his stupid issues so he could tell Jared how amazing he really was, no matter what Jared seemed to think on the issue. Reaching out Jensen curled his fingers into a fist and bumped him softly on the shoulder, eyes slightly wide as he stared at the man.

"That mean I should just get used to being single?" The smiled faded off Jared's mouth and he slid off Jensen's bed and climbed back onto his own. "Yeah... you're right." Jared figured maybe this was it for him. He had to get to the point where he realized that this was it. If he wanted to be happy then he'd better learn how to be happy single because no one else was going to bail him out.

Watching him crawl back onto his bed, turn away and pull in on himself, Jensen swallowed thickly, forcing words to come. His mouth opened and closed a few times, nerves sparking along his system. "You... will find... someone..." he whispered, crawling back to slide under his blanket, feeling more self-conscious than ever.

"Jensen?" Jared's body shot up off the bed and he slid to his knees beside his roommate's. "Jensen... you spoke?" He reached out automatically, fingers sliding up to Jensen's chin and turning him so their eyes could meet. "You spoke."

Blinking a few times Jensen nodded, stomach churning slightly. "Don't..." he sighed shakily and shrugged, "expect... a lot." It surprisingly didn't hurt like he always thought he would but _god_ was it terrifying. Like giving away some part of himself that he could never give back.

"I like your voice," Jared murmured in surprise. His hand moved back into Jensen's hair. "That's _so_ great. See? You'll be out of here too before you know it!" Climbing up off his knees Jared lay down beside Jensen, throwing his arm casually over Jensen's waist. "Is that what you have to fix to get out of here?"

"Among... other things..." Jensen said quietly, eyes dropping to Jared's arm around his waist. The man touched him with some familiar comfort, like they'd known each other their whole lives or something. "Jared," he wet his lips and looked toward him, "you... you'll find... someone."

"And so will you. You're a great guy Jensen. Anyone would be lucky to end up with a guy like you." Jared snuggled closer and propped his chin on Jensen's shoulder. "I like the way you say my name. Say it again." He grinned, heart swelling a little with pride for his roommate.

"Jared," Jensen whispered, looking at him with a slight frown. "I... I'm not... great. Not even close," he shook his head, wondering if Jared even _saw_ the same person he did.

"Well, I think you are. You're a great listener, really supportive. You're smart ... you're gorgeous. Man, you're the kind of guy I always wanted as a boyfriend but knew... would never... well, you know....Guys like you always date the good looking guy with the perfect personality." He carded his fingers through Jensen's hair, it was soft and without the sun shining on it Jared couldn't see the streaks of red he knew were there.

Frown deepening Jensen shook his head and pushed Jared's arm away. "Stop. Stop it. You are," he sighed in frustration, slightly shocked that Jared couldn't see how amazing he was. "You... you're sweet. Cheerful. Make people... better. Calmer. Make me... happy." The words weren't coming the way he wanted them and it only served to frustrate him.

"Wow." Jared slid back a bit, "I'm so sweet and cheerful you shove me away?" Turning on the bed he stood and moved over to the dresser, pulling a drawer open and getting himself a t-shirt. Clearing his throat he stood there for a few moments, staring down at the top of the dresser then he tugged the t-shirt down over his head. "I'm gonna go grab an apple before lights out, give Sandy a thrill." He gestured to his boxers. "You want anything?"

Jensen stared up at Jared, jaw clenching shut. He shook his head roughly and dropped down onto the mattress, rolling away from Jared and tugging the blanket up around him. It was foolish to talk, he couldn't get the words out right, and now he was just screwing things up. He should have kept his mouth shut.

It didn't take Jared long to slip out of the room, get a joyous squeal from Sandy as she got a good look at his boxers and grab two apples. He lingered in the rec room for a while, staring out the window until the lights were flashed for the final time.

Maybe Jensen was right. Maybe Jared could learn enough about himself, fix enough to show Tom that he was worth knowing. Padding back down the hallway he passed Chad. "Wednesday, he'll be back Wednesday. He promised." Jared didn't stop and had the door to his room half open when he glanced over his shoulder at Chad and caught the hesitant smile on his face. If Jensen was awake, he wasn't saying anything and Jared shone the apple on his t-shirt and left it on Jensen's bedside table then climbed into his bed. "Thank you for talking to me," he whispered.

"Don't tell anyone," Jensen breathed, not sure it was even loud enough for Jared to hear. He certainly wasn't going to do well talking with everyone else, considering how well he failed with Jared so far. Sliding the blanket over his shoulders Jensen curled up, already preparing himself for the nightmare he was certain was just around the corner.

"I promise." Jared rolled over and tucked his arm under his pillow. "You can trust me."

For a while Jensen listened to the little noises, Jared munching on his apple, the core dropping into the trash can, the mattress shifting and creaking. The noises eventually ebbed off to the gentle whoosh of Jared's breath as he drifted off to sleep. This was the time Jensen hated the most, that little space of time before sleep could take him but was close enough to feel just along the edges. Jensen was terrified of sleep. Terrified of his dreams. But there was no way to escape them.

Almost the moment his eyes fell closed Jensen was aware of the cold, the severe and sharp jabs of pain sparking low along his body. People were laughing, jeering, throwing things. Jensen could feel something wet and cool smack into his face. This would be one of these dreams that broke him down, weighed such sadness on his shoulders he'd feel it for days. _Trash. Bastard. Nothing._ That was all he was, all he'd ever be.

Tears soaked the pillow beneath him as his body began to shake. _Worthless. Useless. Pathetic._ Familiar synonyms to Jensen in the view of these people. He would never be enough for anyone. Overwhelming coldness wrapped around his shoulders, his spine, his very essence. "N-nothing..." he gasped, shoulders shaking more intensely as the taunts and jeers grew louder, pulling him into darkness.

Jensen's voice pulled Jared from the shallow early sleep he'd fallen into. Blinking a few times before he remembered Jensen's words from earlier in the evening he sighed and threw back his covers. "Jensen?" He glanced up at the clock, they're hardly been asleep long and bed check wouldn't be for hours. Scratching at his head, still stinging a bit from Jensen's earlier rejection Jared stared at his friends, listening to his tears - the sobs tugging at his heart.

Finally giving in he sank down onto Jensen's bed and pressed up against his side, lips brushing over his roommate’s cheek. "Hey," he murmured, "Jensen it's me... come on, you need to wake up. Come back to the good world."

Waking from this sleep was oddly easier than usual but Jensen could feel that heavy sadness and his heart ached badly enough to shot pain through his chest. He rolled slightly until he faced Jared, blinking through tear blurred eyes. He rubbed at his chest, trying to ease away the consuming ache.

Lifting his hand Jared rubbed it gently across Jensen's chest. "God, I wish you'd tell me what's so bad... who hurt you so much.” Impulsively, he leaned forward and pressed his lips to the corner of Jensen's mouth. "Don't be mad at me, I just -I can't stand to see you like this."

"Not mad," Jensen whispered, fingers lifting to slide along Jared's neck. "It's... before... what happened..." Eyes dropping, Jensen swallowed thickly, mind flashing with images of faces. "Stupid. I'll always be this fucked up," he breathed the words into the quiet between them, knees pulling up until they brushed against Jared's.

"You can tell me... if you want." Hand still moving on the flesh of Jensen's chest he whispered quietly. "Maybe one day. And you're not fucked up, you've just got something to fix. Like me." He smiled and settled down on the bed to get more comfortable. "I can stay for a while, that helps doesn't it?" Glancing up at the clock Jared smiled, "still four hours before we get checked." Whenever Jensen would let him, he liked to hold him - or at least be near him while the man fell asleep.

Looking up once more Jensen stared at him with wide eyes. "S-sweet," he whispered. That coldness was still consuming him, weighing down on his shoulders, and Jensen surged forward. He had no idea what he was doing but something in him felt so broken, consuming, and he needed to feel _alive._. "Jared," he managed to breathe moments before he pressed his lips to Jared's, preparing himself for the gentle push away he was certain would come next.

Closing his eyes Jared breathed out a puff of air then shifted closer, lips gliding across Jensen's in a few gentle sweeps. Unconsciously tightening his fingers in Jensen's hair Jared rolled forward coming to rest half across Jensen's chest and slanting his mouth he deepened the kiss. A whisper of a moan left his mouth and he slid his free hand under Jensen's back.

Spine curling forward into Jared's body, Jensen's hands twisted into the thin fabric of Jared's shirt. The heat from Jared's hand on his back, the soft moan, flared something more intense through Jensen than he could possibly imagine. Parting his lips under Jared's, Jensen tried to calm the racing of his heart, the way the blood pulsed in his ears. This was more than he had ever felt, and the spark of thrill was sending his whole body into overtime.

Hand slipping down over the gentle curve of Jensen's ass, Jared pressed harder against him. His lips slid down over Jensen's chin and then down along the pale length of his neck. Sucking on a patch of skin just above the other man's collar bone Jared's long fingers slipped under the elastic waistband on Jensen's boxers as his lips moved back up to catch Jensen's again.

Sucking in a surprised breath Jensen's body nearly shot off the bed only held down by the firm weight of Jared above him. Need that he didn't even know could exist shot through him and Jensen's fingers slid back to thread through Jared's hair. "Haven't," he gasped into the kiss, the heat of Jared's hand burning low between his legs, so close to touching it made his mind blur. Jensen felt like everything was rushing fifteen steps ahead of him and he was stumbling after, trying his hardest to keep up.

Pulling back slightly, panting softly against Jensen's lips Jared's eyes opened slowly. "Haven't what?" Nudging his nose against Jensen's cheek Jared kissed a trail along the freckled skin.

It felt like Jared's lips were burning into his skin and Jensen moaned low in his throat. "Haven't... done..." he half shrugged and rolled his hips up slightly, insanely curious about how Jared's hand would feel touching him _there_ and how his body would react in response. He knew it was going to be good, better than anything, and might possibly make the pain and _cold_ from his dream go away. "J-Jared," he stuttered out, fingers tightening in Jared's hair.

"You okay?" Jared asked, face nuzzling into Jensen's neck just above his ear. Dragging his hand over Jensen's hip, across his belly he pushed further down, fingers finally sliding under the fiery heat of Jensen's hard length. " _God_ ," he whispered, "you... haven't done wh..what?" His voice was thick and quiet, just barely louder than the rustle of the bed clothes.

Sucking in a sharp breath, Jensen writhed beneath him, chest rising and falling rapidly as the silky touch of Jared's fingers soaked into his skin. "A-any... thing," he said through an exhale, eyes fluttering as his stomach churned and twisted, hips rising up in response.

It was likely they shouldn't be doing this, they should stop before it became _too much_ but stopping now seemed like an impossibility. He wanted to _feel_ and this seemed like an opportunity to do that exactly. "T-touch," he whispered, pleaded, hands running almost constantly over every inch of Jared's chest.

"Never?" Jared's head tilted to the side, hand pulling back and settling on Jensen's stomach. " _God_ , we – you - this can't be..." Swearing under his breath Jared shifted back until his hand was cupping Jensen's cheek, eyes locking. "You should -" he swallowed. _Fuck_ , the look on Jensen's face was amazing. Wide-eyed and beautiful, lips parted and wet. "You should have something special ... the first time." Blinking a few times he leaned in and pressed his lips to Jensen's cheekbone. "Special... not me." Sighing he slipped out of the bed, "not like this." _Stupid_ , he was really stupid. The last thing Jensen needed was someone as messed up as Jared was screwing with his head.

One moment the heat of Jared's body was pressing deliciously into his and the next he was alone, the cold chill of the room settling over his flesh. Jensen felt the sharp sting of rejection as he turned to Jared. "B-but I... I want it," he insisted, blinking rapidly to clear the swell of lust mixed with sudden pain of being shot down. "You're... you're special. We could... maybe just... please don't..." Jensen sighed in frustration, annoyed with himself for being so incapable of finding the right words.

Looking down at Jensen, Jared reached out to trail his fingers along Jensen's cheek. "You're beautiful inside and out." He backed up and sat down on his bed. "But I can't do this. S..Sorry, I screwed up." Slipping his feet under the covers he slid down into his bed and rolled over so he was facing the wall. The dull ache in his chest could have been so many things but he had a feeling it was most likely linked to the pain he'd seen on Jensen's face.

 _This_ was why Jensen had never done anything like this before. The sting, the burn, it was _far_ too strong and fresh in his mind. He sucked in a sharp breath and rolled away, trying desperately to tell himself this wasn't about _him_. Jensen couldn't be selfish; he knew why people came here. Jared needed to get better, to learn to be okay with himself. Then he'd go out into the world and find himself a boyfriend that treated him right and wasn't anywhere as fucked up as Jensen was.


	4. Chapter 4

When Jensen woke in the morning Jared was still asleep. Unlike every other morning Jensen rolled out of bed, dressed, and headed to the cafeteria. He wondered if the bond between them was officially broken, if they'd now spend the rest of Jared's time on awkward terms. He gave Jared a piece of him and then he had to fuck it all up by being so quick to practically throw himself at Jared when the guy was recovering from being dumped by his longtime boyfriend. Jensen was an _idiot_.

"Where's Jared?" Sandy asked as she bounced up next to him on his walk down the hall, bright smile on her face.

Glancing over at her, Jensen wet his lips and swallowed thickly before whispering, "bed."

Sandy stopped in her steps, skidding to a halt, eyes wide as she stared up at him. "You... you spoke. Jesus Christ!" She squeaked, hand clamping over her mouth. "Jensen! Wow!"

Sighing, Jensen shook his head and turned into the rec room, bypassing the cafeteria, he didn't feel much like eating anyway. "Don't... make a big deal." He rubbed along his neck and sank down into a large chair in the middle of the room. "Don't tell... anyone... either..." he added as Sandy shifted him over to squish beside him on the chair.

"Okay, I won't... am I the first one you said something too?" Her voice was surprisingly calm and gentle compared to its usual overstimulated excitement. When he shook his head she nodded wisely and reached out to take his hand, "Jared. I should have guessed. I'm glad you two have made a real connection. I think he's given you the strength to get this far. It's all up hill from here you know?"

Jensen nodded before letting his head drop. He definitely couldn't tell her what happened. Jared had shared things about Tom; the last thing he wanted was to be the bad one, the one influencing Jared down a path he wasn't prepared enough to travel down. "Right," he nodded, blinking rapidly a few times.

"You... like him. A lot?" She pressed, threading her fingers through his, watching him as if she expected him to pull away at any moment.

Jensen could only nod. It was far beyond complicated, worse than it should have been. "I think. I messed up," he whispered, wondering if he was strong enough to really provide details, seek out advice, _share_.

Sandy, however, seemed to not need any further information on the subject. "Oh Jensen," she breathed and reached out to tentatively stroke a hand through his hair. "I'm sure, you know it's so complicated and -" she sighed and shook her head, pulling him into a hug. "You both need time. You need to get better in your own ways... long before anything else."

Knowing it was true didn't make it any better. And, for the first time in the light of day, Jensen sought the comfort of another, resting against Sandy's body and sucking in deep breaths to try and straighten the madness flaring through him.

-=-=-=-

When Jared woke up Jensen was gone and it made his breath stick in his throat. Such a stupid mistake. He knew that _he_ wasn't ready for any kind of relationship and he knew that Jensen wasn't. They were both still so lost and had so much work to do. Dressing quickly, he hurried down the hall hoping that he could catch up to Jensen. As he passed the rec room he heard soft voices and turned to see Jensen and Sandy, heads together. _Good_ , Jensen needed a good friend. Jared was proud of him. For the first time since he'd moved into their room, he had breakfast alone.

-=-=-=-

Jared was on the fringe, the edge of the crowd that gathered to say goodbye to Christian. Chad was hovering beside him, looking a bit frail, tired and as though he'd been crying. Jared slid his fingers over Chad's shoulder and leaned down to speak to him. "He'll be back on Wednesday. You remember right?"

"Wednesday," Chad murmured, eyes locked on Christian as he moved through the throng of residents saying good-bye. "Do you believe him Jared?"

"I do." Jared smiled at Chad. "That man ... he loves you. He's coming back to see you on Wednesday, for his kiss." Smile widening, Jared rubbed his new friend's shoulder. "We can get to Wednesday right?"

Chad took a deep breath, "I think so. I dunno."

"We'll work on it." Jared figured he could try and do something good. _Worthwhile_.

Christian left quickly, slipping out the front door and into a waiting cab. Chad stood at the front door; hand on the window, forehead resting against the cool glass. Jared knew there was nothing more he could do for him, just keep reminding him as he'd promised to do.

Wandering around, Jared checked all of his roommate’s favorite spots until he finally found the man outside on the bench in the back garden. _Right_ where he was the first time they'd met. He watched Jensen for a while, watched him flipping the pages in his book as he read, watched him turn his face up to the sun. Smiling he moved over to stand at the end of the bench. "Can I sit with you a while?"

In the flurry of the morning activities Jensen hadn't had the opportunity to see Jared besides just a glimpse here and there. Now his heart raced, already slamming into overdrive as he imagined the feel of Jared's lips soft and silky against his own. If this was how it was going to be, Jensen was beyond screwed. Looking back down with a nod, Jensen shifted over to make room on the bench.

"I missed you at breakfast this morning." He smiled and reached down to pick up a leaf, fingers tracing over the veins in it. "Listen, I owe you an apology." Shifting so he could see Jensen's profile, Jared cleared his throat. "There was no way I should have done that, _not_ because there's anything wrong with you." Dipping his head down a little bit he tried to catch Jensen's eye. "I really need for you to understand that. It's just ... I'm not ... I'm not all me yet, not good, right... fuck... I don't know. But you really need to forgive me; I shouldn't have done what I did. You ... you just make me feel good, like someone cares." Jared looked away, staring at the reflection of the clouds in the window.

Jensen couldn't name the swirl of things that sparked up in him at Jared's words. He wished that Jared didn't feel the need to carry the whole weight of what had happened on his shoulders but it was pointless to argue, even if he could argue. Which, he really couldn't.

"It's fine," he whispered, opening his book once more and staring hard at the pages to distract himself. He told himself, as firmly as he could, that Jared was right. They both just needed someone and Jensen was that convenient one there who really cared. Jensen knew that he cared; otherwise it wouldn't feel quite like this.

"Fine?" Jared sighed and stood up. "I'm trying to make this right Jensen. You're ... my friend and I don't want to lose that." Stepping back slowly, Jared scratched at his shoulder. "I'm sorry." Jensen had _no_ idea how sorry he was. "You ... you are the only one here... that..." shrugging Jared looked down at his feet. "Maybe we could go to dinner together? If you're not too mad at me?"

"I know you're sorry... I am too," Jensen whispered and shook his head. Sometimes silence really was the best option. Forcing himself to smile, Jensen nodded and slipped his bookmark in between his pages, pushing up from the bench. From now on he'd stop that weird little urge to push either of them into something they weren't ready for. How could relationships in this place last anyway? "Dinner," he said quietly and tucked his book under his arm.

"Can," Jared blinked his eyes a few times in the sun, "can I still touch you? I know you don't like it when people touch you but it-" Jared shrugged. It made him feel better. Each touch was small; Jensen would brush his fingers against Jared's arm, bump against him while they were walking. Small touches that, together, added up to a lot.

Considering just the sight of Jared sent his mind into overtime, Jensen didn't think touching was a very good idea. He nodded regardless, seeing the hope in his eyes and not wanting to crush that. He was beginning to feel that Jared was more than right.

Jensen felt like the man could ultimately shape the way he healed and got better. That idea was unsettling. So many years of being broken and one random person had the power to change him. Affect him to his core where no one else could. "Dinner," he repeated and took another step toward the door.

Watching Jensen move back inside Jared sighed and walked back to the bench. Things weren't going to be the same again. For the first time since he'd been checked in he actually considered talking to Dr. Swain about what to do. Maybe it might actually be time to figure out some of the things that had been going on in his head. It might just be time.

-=-=-=-

It had seemed so easy to apologize to Jensen, to assume that things might get back to normal but that's not what happened. Jensen did start waiting for Jared again at meal times, and before meetings but everything was different. There was a distance between them that hadn't faded over the couple of days that had passed since their talk. Jared felt a bit wounded by the whole thing but still followed along behind Jensen and found himself holding his breath at night sometimes, waiting to see if Jensen would need him.

The third night after their talk Jared awoke to the sound of Jensen's cries. He tried to ignore it for a few minutes but it just kept getting worse and Jared couldn't bear to listen to Jensen being _hurt_. Climbing out of bed Jared moved over to sit on the edge of Jensen's and slid his fingers through his roommate’s hair. Leaning down Jared whispered against Jensen’s ear, "wake up Jensen, I got you, you're fine."

As was most often, Jensen woke with a gasp, sitting upright and shaking the nightmare from his mind. A moment later he collapsed back onto the mattress, sighing heavily. "Tired," he murmured, blinking as he turned to gaze at Jared through watery eyes. "So tired." He sighed once more and rubbed his palm into his eye.

"Tell me." Jared hesitated a few moments and then lay down beside Jensen, careful not to touch him. "Jensen, tell me what you dream about ... maybe it's time." It felt like time, it felt like something had to change if Jensen was going to make some progress.

"It's not." Jensen blinked slowly as he fixed his eyes on Jared. He wished the man would touch him like before, would confide in him like he had before he kissed him. Then again, sharing something with Jared might connect them in that way once more.

"I dream about ... the place I grew up. After my parents died when I was three. About the life I had _there_." Jensen exhaled quietly and shifted across the mattress slightly, hand reaching out toward Jared, hesitating, then dropping between them.

Sliding his hand forward, smiling slightly as he remembered another night, Jared touched the tip of his finger to Jensen's. "Is that the place that scares you so much?" The terror bled off Jensen's body even after he'd awakened. Jared was almost scared to find out what had happened, what could cause so much fear in someone.

Jensen nodded, watching the place their fingers touched as he forced himself to continue. "Foster home. Rick and Cindy, foster parents... they didn't... they had lots. State pays for foster kids." He shrugged as if that logically explained it all and swallowed his unsettling rise of panic.

"They never... I don't know why but they never liked me... I just - I was good. I was always good," Jensen insisted with an earnest nod, as if just speaking about this could transport him back to that time. "But they, sometimes I'd go days without eating. Sometimes they'd make undress, sit alone on the basement floor for days. They made me... scrub the floors with bleach and my bare hands. Locked me in the bathroom with it for hours."

Saying the words sparked something in Jensen; like once he began he couldn't stop. "They hit me... with bats. With a hammer. Broke my arm, ribs, locked me in the closet. It never... it never stopped, all these things." He stared up at Jared with wide eyes, looking away almost instantly as embarrassment and shame washed over him.

Jared's fingers had crept up over Jensen's hand as he spoke. It was terrifying. "Jensen, I don't know what to say. I'm - that's so horrific. I can't even imagine as a kid going through something like that. They - that's awful. What happened? How did it end?" Sliding closer, Jared hesitated just a moment and then slipped his arm over Jensen's waist.

Almost out of his control Jensen's body slid forward into Jared's, needing that warmth to get his mind into motion once more. "State caught on eventually. Too many hospital visits." He shrugged, feeling the words bubbling just under the surface, he forced himself to continue. "They took me away, but... damage done. They took all the foster kids. But I'm the only one they did those things too. I had to testify, put them away for a couple of years, whatever. I was in the system until eighteen. Then I just ... made do. Until I broke down before I came here. Only a matter of time I guess." He shrugged and rubbed the tip of his finger along Jared's collarbone.

"Too fucked up to really do anything but just barely get by." Jensen blew out a long breath, surprised by the mixture of relief and ache it felt to finally admit so many truths weighing in on him.

"And after all that, you turned out to be this, remarkable, caring person." Jared leaned forward and kissed Jensen's forehead. "You're so strong." He pressed his hand against Jensen's chest. "Do you ever wonder if this... if it comes out in your dreams because it just needs to get out? Maybe you need to talk to someone about it." Jared kept his voice quiet, although, if one of the nurses came in he'd be more than willing to tell her to get lost. Jensen was important.

"How do I trust anyone?" He asked quietly, shaking his head. "Everyone leaves in this world. Nothing's - there is no constant. You grow attached, you care for someone, and they... they go. Or... it's the way right? So why tell anyone? Why open up? If I'm just gonna be ... alone," Jensen didn't like admitting that truth but now that Jared had accessed this part of him, Jensen didn't feel strong enough to turn it off. Jared was wrong; he wasn't any of those things.

"You're not alone now." Jared slid both arms around Jensen and pulled him up against his chest. "Christian's coming back for Chad yeah? You and I can come back for each other if we get out. Jensen - you are a remarkable person. I guess maybe you can't see that, but _God_ just knowing you had changed my life." Jared shifted, torn between his urge to comfort Jensen, wanting to kiss him, wanting to make sure he was okay. Giving in, Jared brushed his lips along that familiar line of freckles. "I don't know," he whispered, "what you and I can be but -"

"I know," Jensen whispered once more and shifted enough to peer up at him. "I would... I would like it if you came to see me. I'd like to... tell you more. When I feel like I can... when it's too much. If you wouldn't mind." He rolled his shoulders in a shrug before glancing toward the clock. "You should. The check." He sighed, wishing Jared could just stay in bed with him and hold him like this the rest of the night. "Jared, we're... better now? I don't want to be all... awkward again."

Jared slid out of Jensen's bed reluctantly and returned to his own. They were both silent as the door cracked open and the bright light from the hallway split the room in half for a few moments. As soon as the door clicked shut again Jared flipped his covers back again and crept back over to slide in beside Jensen. Wrapping his arms around his roommate Jared tucked Jensen's head under his chin. "We're friends aren't we?" His voice was quiet. Closing his eyes Jared got comfortable, wriggling down a little in the bed.

Jensen shifted around until he could rest comfortably against Jared's body, sighing with a soft air of contentment. "Yes," he whispered, wrapping an arm around Jared's waist and settling back in for sleep.

-=-=-=-

In their own way, things between them did improve, at least the awkward tension had died away some and Jensen didn't feel like he needed to jump away the moment Jared stepped up beside him. If anything, the man's presence took on a more reassuring quality. He knew Jensen's secret, and while maybe every little detail had yet to be shared, the relief of getting that off his chest was almost enough to make Jensen's step lighter.

Talking was still an issue he struggled with, as it probably would always be, and during the day he stayed mostly silent only to say a word or two to Sandy or Jared when he remembered he was trying to get better about it.

At night time though, in the safety of darkness, Jensen spoke to Jared in quiet whispers. Sometimes he'd tell Jared a part of his nightmare, other times he'd discuss his irrational fear of crowds. Or he would sit and listen to Jared talk about his life away from here, the family he never saw, the world he circulated, and Jensen silently wondered what it would be like to live in that world with Jared.

-=-=-=-

Progress was a slow thing. Jared tried to actually _talk_ to Dr. Swain when he had appointments although he became convinced quite quickly that the conversations he had with Jensen were actually helping him much more. Sometimes, they would get cups of coffee and sit outside together in the morning sun, heads together, speaking quietly.

Bit by bit Jensen revealed more about the things that he'd been forced to deal with when he was young; Jared would talk about the things he was the most proud of in his life - trying desperately to learn to feel _worth_ something on his own. He did feel better that Jensen trusted him. They'd actually managed to become closer after their initial challenges and it made Jared feel like he was actually worth something. He was, at least, worth trusting.

Jensen felt, in some ways, that telling Jared about his life before seemed to make the dreams fade. They seemed more tolerable. But they were still present and still just as consuming. Jared seemed to always be there to wake him, soothe him after the shake of pain that ripped through his body. The best part though, in Jensen's eyes, was the feel of Jared's arms around him. Being held, being cared for, because it was something so new to Jensen he almost felt incapable of handling it.

After so long, getting better had felt like an impossibility and the fact that Jared could be responsible for sending Jensen down that path was exhilarating and terrifying. In some part of him Jensen recognized that Jared shouldn't have the ability to shape him so much but he did, and it was too late to change that.

If it weren't for the fact that everyone was quite focused on when _Wednesday_ would arrive, Jared would have found the days blurring together quite a bit. Jensen would wait for Jared in the morning and they would have breakfast with the gang. Jeff would nearly always regale them with a new arrangement of one of his songs over breakfast. Sandy seemed to do her best to stay away from the kitchen and stay calm and centered.

Whenever possible, Jared would remind Chad that Christian was coming on Wednesday. There were good days and bad days for Chad. Sometimes it was a simple thing for him to accept that Christian would come back to see him. Sometimes, Chad's carefully built sandcastle came tumbling down and it became hard to predict what his mood would be. But ... they worked together and nearly every time someone passed Chad a whisper of _Wednesday_ would be heard.

Even Jeff learned a new song and would sing quietly to Chad every evening through the door to his room. " _Meet a part of me that feels like every other day, It has been seen in pictures and in alleyways, Can see it through your walls? Can see it through your fall, Can see it on your floor, wrong way, Lift your head up, Wednesday. It's almost 2:30. When the walls start falling down you'll be last to be found._ " Chad never opened his door, but he never once told Jeff to shut-up or go away either.

Unsurprisingly, there was an excited buzz in the cafeteria when the day finally arrived, almost like electricity, and Jensen watched Chad like a bomb that might explode at any moment. _Tuesday_ had always been the day the world was going to grind to a whole and, on most Wednesdays, the cycle would start over. For the first time since he came, Jensen watched Chad openly acknowledge that the world hadn't ended the day before and that hope still lingered.

The group ate breakfast silently, Chad was shaking so bad he sloshed coffee over the rim of his cup until Jeff reached out and smoothly pulled it away. By the time visiting hours arrived Chad's features were nearly pale and the group as a whole practically had to drag him down the hall to the wide meeting room that family and friends were allowed in.

For a while Jensen watched Chad staring at the occasional person being led through the security gates, watched the panic on his features increase each time that person coming through wasn't Christian. Jensen _knew_ Christian was coming, because if he didn't then really there was no hope for the rest of them, not in his opinion. Sliding to Chad's side he reached out and laid a hand on Chad's shoulder. "He's coming," he whispered, fitting first words to the man.

If Chad hadn't been a complete and utter wreck he might have actually leapt out of his skin when Jensen spoke to him. The best part was that for a few moments, he found himself smiling as he turned to face Jensen with a look of shock on his face. "Jensen?"

Jared slipped in behind Chad and leaned down to murmur. "Pretty cool, huh?"

Laughing softly, Chad ran his hand over his hair. "Well, fuck, miracles do happen. Now, I can believe anything..." Smile still on his face he shook his head.

Jensen snorted a laugh and shook his head, saying softly, "not a miracle."

"What the fuck is this? I'm gone for a few days and Jensen's speaking? You too high and mighty for me Ackles?" Christian huffed loudly, dragging a hand through his hair as he stepped toward the group.

When the deep voice rumbled behind him, Chad simply closed his eyes and sighed out a breath of sheer relief. His shoulders dropped and he turned to face Christian opening his eyes slowly. "It's Wednesday. The world didn't end on Tuesday." Pressing his lips together Chad gazed into Christian's eyes.

"No, the world didn't end on Tuesday," Christian said softly, reaching out to snag Chad's hand and tug him across the room, pulling him into his arms.

Jensen's lip quirked up into a smile as he watched Christian bend the taller man down and kiss him, probably like he'd wanted to do for a long time. Beside him Sandy squeaked excitedly, clamping her fingers around Jeff's arm and bouncing slightly.

Jared reached over and pressed his hand to the small of Jensen's back. "See," he whispered. "People do come back. Maybe one day we can..." Jared's voice trailed off and he stepped sideways. "Tom," he murmured. His heart fluttered oddly, like a blink of time messed up its rhythm. He'd had no idea that Tom would be coming to visit; frankly, if he had he wasn't sure he would have still be standing there by the doorway. The man looked good. His black hair had grown out a little longer, face tanned; he was wearing a shirt that Jared had never seen before.

"Hey, Jared." Tom's smile was warm.

Blinking, Jared couldn't drag his eyes away from Tom's even as he sensed his friends grow quiet around them.

"Is there ... is there somewhere we can talk?"

Jared nodded, taking a couple of steps backwards then gesturing for Tom to follow. Moving slowly across the visiting room as he tried to calm his rattled nerves, Jared slid into a chair by the front window and Tom sat beside him.

"What's he doing here?" Sandy asked in confusion, looking around at the group who were still watching Tom and Jared sitting in chairs near each other. "Jensen?" She whispered, curling her fingers into his sleeve.

Jensen felt a hand clench around his heart, eyes wide as he stared at the two. He didn't know what it meant, Tom being here, if the man wanted Jared back, if Jared would want him as well. He used to speak that way but Jensen knew he was trying to let that part of him go. If Tom had come back to declare a love or something, Jensen wasn't sure Jared would say no.

"Why don't we go for a walk or something?" Christian suggest, fingers lacing with Chad's and tugging him to Jensen's side. "C'mon, the whole group of us. You nut bags can fill me in on the drama I've missed," he insisted, glancing over at Chad, Sandy then Jeff for their encouragement.

"Come on, Jensen." Chad smiled warmly.

Jeff stepped up and threw an arm over Jensen's shoulder. "Come on, let's sing love songs to Chad and Christian." Jeff smirked and tugged Jensen toward the door.

As they dragged him off Jensen's eyes fluttered, mind rapidly flaring up insistence that it was okay, that he needed to be better without Jared because that was important. Christian was muttering something about breaking Jeff's neck if he so much as started a note of a love song and Sandy was giggling. Chad just looked content, but Jensen couldn't escape the smile on Tom's face. The man was drop dead gorgeous; of course, just the type of person Jared should be with. And not at all crazy.

-=-=-=-

Jared had never been more surprised to see anyone in his entire life. Tom. _Tom_. It's funny how things change. The first few days he'd been there he could have given anything to see Tom's face, speak with him, ask him to take him back. Faced with his ex-boyfriend now, things were different. It was good to see Tom, it wasn't that. It was just different.

They spoke for a while, Tom had some things to say and Jared had to some answers he needed to give. As soon as they said goodbye, Jared was up and out of the visitor's room looking around with frantic eyes for Jensen. He found the group of friend’s right where he expected Jensen to be, in the cafeteria eating lunch. Jensen, however, wasn't with them.

Lips pressed together, eyebrows raised; Chad looked up and pointed outside.

Jared took off down the hallway and pushed the door open. Jensen was outside, in the sun on his favorite bench. No book. Tilting his head to the side, Jared smiled and walked over. "I was looking for you."

Turning to Jared, Jensen watched him move; sliding over so there would be room on the bench. "Good visit?" He asked quietly, folding his hands in his lap. He'd had some time to think and he knew that being upset about Tom's visit was a ridiculous thing. Jared was a whole different person outside of this place and Jensen was simply here for the moment. He could help him along on his journey to recovery but the idea of being a part of the _better_ Jared's life was foolish. It wasn't going to be like the Christian and Chad thing, Jensen could accept that.

"It was okay, I guess. Can I talk to you about it?" Jared glanced at Jensen out of the corner of his eye.

"Okay." Jensen nodded, watching Jared's features for a hint as to what was to come.

"He came for a few reasons. Guess he wanted to know if I was okay mostly, did I ever tell you that he was the one who found me?" Jared didn't wait for an answer from Jensen. "He was coming over to pick up some of his things. So ... yeah, he came because he wanted to see how things were going." For some reason, it was important to Jared that people know that Tom wasn't a bad guy - they just weren't looking for the same thing. "He... he's..." Jared sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "He's a great guy."

Staring at Jared, Jensen tried to ignore the sinking in his gut. It was good someone cared for Jared, outside himself. He'd go out into the world when his time here was over and he wouldn't feel so lost. "Good," he said quietly and smiled briefly before looking down. He wanted to know what all this meant of course but it wasn't his place to ask. "You okay?" He asked softly, looking back up at Jared.

"I ... thought I might not be at first. But yeah." Jared nodded, smile growing as he leaned back against the back of the bench. "Yeah, I feel good about it." Resting his arm along the back of the bench Jared let his fingers brush the back of Jensen's neck. "How are you?"

"Fine," Jensen whispered, sighing softly as he let his hands rest along his knees. "We... um... lunch time right?" He suggested, though he wasn't in the least bit hungry. Jensen felt inclined to simply curl under his blankets and try to tell himself that he didn't _care_ if Jared got back together with Tom.

"Oh..." Jared's brow furrowed. "I guess, if you don't want... you..." Jared shifted on the bench so he was facing Jensen and picked up the other man's hand. "You don't want to hear about this do you?"

"Sorry," Jensen sighed and shook his head. "I didn't realize there was more... you can... I'll listen. I know, it's important," he nodded and looked at the back Jared's hand was cradling his before gently pulling it back. "Did you get to share some things? Clear the air?" He understood how important that had to be in this situation, discussing things with Tom had to be at least somewhere high up on Jared's _goal_ list.

"We did ... it was good for me. Made me realize some things. For one, I'm alright seeing him, and I'm alright being without him. Wasn't sure that would work out, you know?" Swallowing, Jared shifted slightly as his nerves grew a little. "Jensen, should I not hold your hand?"

"I thought..." Jensen scratched along the side of his neck and shrugged, inhaling and exhaling slowly. He sat in silence for a moment before turning more on the bench, facing Jared even as his gaze dropped to his hands resting in his lap. "Jared. I. I like you. Maybe more than I should, considering... but... but I understand. I know I couldn't ever compare to someone like Tom. I just... sorry. I guess I don't make any of this easy on you. Probably better you're... almost free anyway." He shot Jared a quick smile before rubbing his fingers into his eyes once more.

"Compare?" Jared sighed. "I don't compare you to anyone Jensen. Not only would most people pale in comparison but it's just not what I'm like. I don't really know what we're doing here, but you... you are hard to read Jensen. And, I'm afraid that if you keep pushing people away, like you push me away ... you'll be pretty lonely."

"I don't know if you missed the memo Jared but I haven't spent the last year and a half of my life in a nut house because I'm _normal_ ," Jensen snapped, frustration boiling under the surface of his nerves. A long sigh fell from his lips as he curled his fingers up into his hair. "I don't know how to deal with this. You've changed every part of me and I'm so scared you're just going to disappear I can't... I just don't know... it's terrifying. Everything about this," surprising tears pricked along the rims of Jensen's eyes and he blew out a long breath, looking up into the sunshine. "I know that you're not at a place where you can handle an attachment like me. But I'm afraid I can't be better on my own," he admitted quietly, pointedly keeping his eyes away from Jared.

"I already said that whoever left - needed to be the one who came back to visit. You don't know that it will be me that leaves. And, I'm already attached. Jensen, you're my friend and you mean a lot to me. While I'm learning how to just be okay being me... that's not the time for me to start a relationship. If I'm out ..." he shrugged and gestured to the front gate, "And you're in here ... do I want a relationship with you? No... I don't... so..." Jared stood and curled his fingers over the back of Jensen's neck. "I guess you need to figure out how badly you want to get out of here and give us a chance." Eyes glancing to the window, Jared leaned down and kissed Jensen's sun-warmed hair before turning and heading back toward the door.

Jensen watched Jared go, blinking slowly. Sometimes he wondered if Jared remembered what little experience he had with this entire thing. Jared was worth getting better for, if he could just figure out how to do exactly that. Apparently, it was time for Jensen to sit down and have a real conversation with Dr. Hopkins. She'd be the first one in the line to send him on his way anyway, and until he spoke to her, he'd always be stuck here.

-=-=-=-

Knocking on the door, Jensen listened to the faint _come in_ before turning the handle and heading inside. "Oh, hello Jensen," she said in mild surprise, looking up from her desk and staring at him. "Have a seat. How can I help you?"

Jensen could hear the hesitation in her voice. Clearly she had to think the idea was pretty ridiculous, him coming here to _speak_ with her though she hadn't heard a word out of his mouth in the entire time of him being there. It was all a matter of trust on Jensen's part though. He had trusted Jared so crossing that first hurdle with him had been easier than it should have been, as if he just needed the right person to send him on his way. Everyone else trickled out from there.

Dropping into his chair, Jensen sighed shaking and twisted his fingers together, tightening them as nerves and fear circled through his senses. "I... Jared says it's time," he whispered, staring at the desk. His eyes shot up to her when a quiet, surprised gasp left her lips. "I guess. Talking... it's important."

Dr. Hopkins smiled encouragingly and nodded. "Yes, it is important. Jensen, this is incredible. It's a _huge_ step for you." She nodded and reached into her drawer to pull out a notepad, scribbling notes rapidly along the paper. "So you've spoken to Jared? Anyone else?"

"Everyone else," Jensen said softly, scratching absently at the denim covering his thigh. "Everyone in the group. For... a little while." He turned to the side and blew out a long breath before looking back at her. "I want to get out of here. I... there's reasons now. It's important. I have to be... better," he insisted and slid forward, looking at her with wide eyes. "Can you... tell me what I have to do? How do I make it better?"

"Okay Jensen, let's take it slow here for a second, one thing at a time," she chuckled softly and turned to a new page. "Now talking is the first real big step and the fact that you've gotten to that point is really good. Now we've got to think about your future. We need to talk about some of your... past. What's got you to this point? What will keep you from going down this path again. We don't want a relapse of any sort right?"

That seemed like a lot of talking that Jensen wasn't exactly certain he was capable of. "I... can't I just... promise? I won't relapse. I'll be okay," he insisted with slightly wide eyes.

Dr. Hopkins' smile was fond as she gently shook her head. "No, I'm sorry Jensen; it's not quite that easy. But we'll get there okay? I'm here to talk to whenever you want. These things take time but you'll get there Jensen. Don't lose faith in yourself." She continued to smile and leaned closer to the desk. "Now let's write some goals shall we?"

Sighing softly, Jensen nodded. He kind of wanted to tell her to take her goals and shove them where the sun didn't shine. But that wasn't likely to get him anywhere fast so he pressed his lips together and settled in to listen to her discuss _goals_.

-=-=-=-

Almost an hour later Jensen was stumbling out into the hall, thoroughly exhausted but pleased. In his hand he clutched a list of goals, logical and potentially very doable. Heading off down the hall in search for Jared, nerves sparked along his skin. It felt like the words on his piece of notebook paper were the key to everything and sharing them with Jared suddenly felt like the most important thing. He found his roommate in their room, coincidentally, laying stretched out on his bed and reading. Jensen smiled softly at him as he stepped inside and closed the door behind him, heading toward Jared's bed and climbing onto it. Swallowing thickly he held the paper out and watched him nervously.

Jared raised his eyebrows. "Hi," he said as he grabbed the paper. "What am I reading?"

"Goals," Jensen said quietly, sliding across until his leg rested against Jared's. "Dr. Hopkins and I made them. So I can get better and get the hell out of here," he trailed off in a murmur, looking up at Jared with a slight smile on his face.

"That's awesome Jensen." Jared moved so he could rest his head on Jensen's thigh and ran his eyes down the list. "It's _really_ good, Jensen. Real good." And it was. It made Jared's heart feel a little lighter - like maybe there was hope for them to be friends outside this place. Tipping his head back slightly so he could look up at Jensen, smiling, Jared let the paper fall to his chest. "Which one you going to work on first?"

"Dunno... they're all gonna take a while I guess." Jensen shrugged and stroked a hand slowly through Jared's hair. "I think it's easy to say... you know, that I don't think it's my fault. That I know I'm not the bad one, but how do I prove I believe it? I don't know how to be patient... about the whole thing. When I want so badly to not be here." He sighed softly, staring down at the man as his hand considered its absent trail down along his skin.

Closing his eyes Jared relaxed under his friend's touch. "You were happy in here before. Why you want to get out so badly now? Afraid I'm gonna forget about you?" He teased gently, a smile on his face.

Jensen's head tilted to the side slightly, hand hesitating on Jared's jaw. "I just... I thought when I got out we'd... um..." his face scrunched up, free hand rubbing along his eyes. "Just thought there might finally be a reason to want to get better," he whispered, resuming the slow strokes through Jared's hair.

"A reason?" Jared's eye lids fluttered open so he could look up. Leaning into the pressure of Jensen's fingers he licked his lips. "What kind of reason?"

"Before I came here, I lived alone, in this apartment. There was... I had no friends. No... no people that I _wanted_ to spend time with. And then I just broke down one day. I lost it in the middle of a mall." He sighed once more and shook his head. "I thought I might just stay here. Forever you know? Just give up on life. Why bother when it's just..." Jensen shook his head stared down at Jared, chuckling softly. "Guess that wasn't much of an answer. But... you. You make me want to get out of here I guess, so we can be more not because of... it's a good thing right?"

"More?" Jared's heart thumped a little faster. "More? As in you and me more?" He rolled over and pushed himself up on one arm so he could meet Jensen's eyes head on.

"Um... yes?" Jensen frowned, scratching along the side of his neck. "Is that? That's right yeah? I mean... with the kissing and... I thought... it's okay, if you just want to be friends. It is cause I wanna be your friend too and we are friends but I would like... more." He shrugged and dropped his hand to pick at the blanket.

Jared blinked, top lip twitching slightly. Jensen - the guy who looked like the Captain of the football team, quiet, beautiful, amazing. "You... and me?" Oh, he liked Jensen and _liked_ Jensen but Jared still figured there was still so much baggage he brought with him that he couldn't imagine anyone seeing him as a _good_ prospect.

"Well I wasn't going to date Christian or something," Jensen muttered, almost as a self-defense technique. He was fairly certain this was going to be the time that Jared was finally going to tell him he wasn't _interested_. Not in hooking up with some psycho virgin in a nuthouse. "We don't have too," he whispered.

Jared puffed out a small breath, disbelief still strong in his mind. Eyes locked on Jensen's he leaned forward slowly, let his lashes fall to his cheeks and pressed his lips to Jensen's. Jensen's lips were soft, dry, smooth and Jared dragged his mouth along Jensen's full bottom lip before pulling back and smiling as he opened his eyes.

Jensen slowly lifted a hand to lie over his lips, eyes fixed on Jared. He really could get used to kissing the man, and _really_ couldn't wait to be out of here. "What does that mean?" He asked quietly, needing something to grasp onto.

"You can't tell?" Jared could feel Jensen's breath, warm and moist against his cheek. "I would like the _more_ I do believe." A long road, but still ... it could definitely be worth it if the heat flooding through Jared's body was any indication.

"Relationship retard," Jensen pointed out and smiled softly. "You know... I'm probably gonna be in here for a while... you... you'll come visit me?" He asked, reaching out to take Jared's hand, threading their fingers together.

"If they let me out? Sure I will. Every Wednesday, with flowers, and a huge smile." He kissed the corner of Jensen's mouth. "Maybe I'll even learn how to make cupcakes or something." Jared rubbed the tips of their noses together. "Pink icing."

"Pink?" Jensen laughed and shook his head, "you can bake me a pie. I prefer apple. And no flowers, Jeff's teasing would kill me." He stared at Jared for a long moment before pressing forward and slanting his lips over Jared's. Blowing out a sharp puff of air through his nose, Jensen slid his tongue forward tentatively to slide along Jared's lower lip, shifting forward to feel more of his touch.

Humming softly into Jensen's mouth, Jared's hands slid up over the other man's thigh and squeezed gently. "Jen," he murmured against now moist lips. "P..People..." But he wasn't going to be the one to pull away this time; the last thing he wanted was for Jensen to think he didn't _want_ this... him. Sliding his tongue forward he swept it across the seam of Jensen's lips and pushed forward gently, breaking the seal.

Jensen moaned at the first touch of Jared's tongue against his. He'd never felt something filled with such heat. Jared's tongue was slick and smooth against his and Jensen shifted on the mattress once more, pushing forward until he was kneeling in front of Jared, hands cupped along the side of his jaw on each side. He moaned louder into the kiss, sliding against Jared's body until their chests pressed together and Jared almost fell back onto the bed.

"G..God." Jared leaned back under Jensen's weight, breath shooting out of his lungs. It was like Jensen was on fire. Heat radiated off his body, and the urgent way he moved closer, pressing, gripping. Jared was suddenly a little overwhelmed but in an entirely good way. "Jensen." Pressing his hand against the other man's chest he pushed him back gently, tongue sweeping across the roof of Jensen's mouth.

Falling back onto the bed Jensen groaned and shook his head, rolling away so Jared wouldn't see how affected he was by the kisses. "S-sorry, I just. Well. Never did anything so... and you're so gorgeous." He chuckled shakily and pushed up until he was sitting, rolling his hips uncomfortably. "I really like kissing you," he admitted quietly.

"Look at my face." Jared could feel his cheeks were flushed, eyes wide. Picking up Jensen's hand he pressed it to his own chest. "Can you feel my heart racing?" Blinking slowly, taking a slow breath, Jared smiled. "That's you. You did that and well, you know." Jared shifted uncomfortably on the bed.

Jensen's eyes shot down to see the obvious hard line pressing against Jared's jeans. His eyes widened slightly, turned swiftly to the door before looking back at the man. "Oh," he whispered and nodded, biting down on his bottom lip before reaching out. Jensen's eyes stayed fixed on Jared's features as he cautiously ran the tip of his index finger over the bulge, pressing just firm enough to add pressure to the touch.

Biting down hard on his bottom lip Jared let his head fall back, hips pushing forward into Jensen's tentative touch. Moaning softly Jared reached out blindly for Jensen's shirt, gripping a handful of material. "We can't," he moaned. "I want you." _God_. Jared had never felt anything quite like the barely-there touches from this man.

Catching his lower lip beneath his teeth, Jensen once more looked toward the door before dragging two fingers over the seam. "I... I want too," he whispered, leaning in and pressing a whisper of a kiss along his neck. "S-sorry... should I?" Jensen sighed shakily, repeating the slow touch and marveling at the heat of the man. "I should stop. Just never touched like that before. Feels good though right?"

"You ever been touched like that?" Jared shifted forward, hands sliding up Jensen's thighs to settle near his hips. Rubbing his cheek against Jensen's, he breathed softly against the other man's ear then whispered, "can... I?" His heart was beating so loud he could barely hear himself thinking.

Jensen swallowed thickly and nodded, shifting back slightly on the mattress to give Jared more room to touch. _God_ he wanted Jared's hand on him more than he thought he would. "Wish you could touch under the clothing," he whispered, eyes wide as he stared at Jared. "Have you ever... um... given a blow job before?" Jensen asked, face flushing with embarrassed heat.

Nodding silently Jared twisted his hands inward, thumbs sliding over the crotch of Jensen's jeans, digging in to run down the outline of his cock. "Uh, you are..." Jared swallowed, chest tightening as he watched emotions flood over Jensen's face. His eyes were so wide, green just a sliver in the growing black. "You're - have I said you're beautiful?" There really was no other word to describe him.

Huffing out a small breath, Jensen shook his head and shifted his hips up into the touch. "I... thank you?" He whispered, smile dancing across his lips. "God Jare I want-” he shook his head and curled his fingers around Jared's forearm. "We should stop," he whispered even as his hips moved up into Jared's touch, urging him silently for more. His mind was supplying a very vivid picture of Jared's lips around his cock and _god_ he wanted that.

"S..Stop?" Jared flattened his palm against the front of Jensen's crotch. "We should stop." He shuddered, the heat of Jensen's body so close. And, _Jesus_ \- if he this hot when they were wearing all their clothes.

There was a bang outside the door, Jared jumped back as Jeff's voice boomed into the room: " _You're just a natural born beehive, Filled with honey to the top. Well I ain't greedy baby. All I want is all you got, no no no. Baby, I ain't askin' much of you. Just a big-a big-a hunk o' love will do..._ " Jeff howled out the last word and Jared could hear Sandy's high pitched giggle in the background.

Leaning back against the wall, panting, face still flushed Jared grinned over at Jensen. "I - wow."

Shaking his head Jensen blew out a long breath. “Just imagine when we don't have clothes." He flushed at both the thought and the sentence. "Um... wanna go for a walk? I think things might continue. If we stay here. And... getting caught... just wouldn't be good." He shook his head and sighed, reaching out to lay his fingers over Jared's neck and brush their lips together.

"MMhmm." Jared slid toward the edge of the bed without pulling his lips away from Jensen's. He could still feel his heart thumping and reached out to lay his palm on Jensen's chest. He wanted to feel his heart. It was thumping just as much as Jared's and it made him smile. "Walk," he mumbled against Jensen's soft lips. Stumbling forward he stood and pulled Jensen up with him.

As they stood Jensen leaned into Jared's body, arms wrapping up around his neck and pulling them in until their lips could once more crush together. At this angle he could press their bodies flush together, falling heavily into Jared's warmth. "You're kinda-" he gasped into the kiss and rolled their hips together. "Addicting," he added and pushed Jared up against the door, running his hands down every inch of Jared he could reach.

Thumping back hard against the door, Jared slid his hands up into Jensen's hair. "This-" he sucked on the other man's bottom lip, sliding slowly down the door, "we're not walking." Dropping a hand to Jensen's waist he slipped his fingers under the soft material of his shirt. The skin of Jensen's lower back was damp, hot, and Jared slid his legs wider, pulling Jensen toward him.

Jensen gasped as his lips slid across Jared's and their hips rolled together. His shoulders shook slightly as he leaned forward, heavy into Jared's body and thrust his tongue forward in slow circles. "Jare-" he moaned as quietly as possibly into the kiss. He had to _stop_ before he just insisted Jared show him what came next because his body _needed_ something more. Breaking back with a shaky inhale, Jensen blinked at Jared and swallowed thickly. "Christ you're gonna kill me," he muttered, shaking his head roughly.

Laughing softly Jared reached out for Jensen's hand. "Okay," he let his head fall back against the door. "What time is it?" Blinking a few times Jared rubbed at his face with his free hand.

Looking over his shoulder at the clock Jensen laced his fingers with Jared's and smiled. "Almost dinner. Didn't each lunch though." Out of his control Jensen slid forward and brushed his lips against Jared's. "Ready to go?" He asked quietly, letting his forehead rest against Jared.

"I could eat." He swallowed and leaned down to kiss the pulse he could see beating in Jensen's neck. His lips moved gently against Jensen's neck as he spoke. His mind was awash in possibilities, and a little _hope_.

"Me too," Jensen whispered before sliding back and taking a few steps way. "Okay. Gotta go. Cause otherwise I'll just -" he shook his head and rubbed at his neck. "C'mon, let's go."


	5. Chapter 5

The walk from their room to Dr. Swain's office took Jared less than five minutes, less than forty steps. Suddenly, it felt like it was a thousand miles. A couple of weeks had passed since Jared and Jensen had kissed... the second time around, the time it _really_ meant something. Now, things might change all over again. Moving slowly down the hall Jared waved to Sandy and Jeff as he passed the recreation room, then stopped at Chad's door to lean around the door frame and say "Wednesday," to Chad. Chad just looked up from his book and smiled. Turning back to his own room he pushed the door open and slipped inside.

Jensen was lying on his bed writing in his journal. It made Jared smile, Jensen had been working so hard on all his goals. "Hey, Jen."

Looking up from his writing Jensen smiled and climbed off the bed, walking around the beds and leaning into Jared's chest. "How'd it go?" He asked in his usual quiet murmur, tilting his head up to brush his lips against Jared's, fingers wrapping around his neck to pull him in for a deep kiss. Jared's mouth was warm against his, pleasant and tingling, and Jensen couldn't seem to get enough.

Pulling away slightly, Jared buried his face in Jensen's neck and sucked in a deep breath. He loved the way Jensen smelled, clean and fresh, sometimes like the sun he sat in so often outside. Wrapping his arms tight around the other man he closed his eyes tightly.

"Jared?" Jensen asked in concern, hand curling into Jared's neck and stroking softly. "What's wrong?" His free hand pressed low into Jared's back, rubbing softly.

Sighing, Jared slid his hands forward, down Jensen's arms and took his hands. "Come sit." Pulling Jensen over to his bed, Jared sat down. "Dr. Swain-" Jared rubbed at his mouth with his free hand not wanting to say it out loud, not wanting to make it real.

Jensen shifted on the mattress and squeezed Jared's hand, reaching out to tuck a loose strand of hair behind Jared's ear. "What? She...didn't find out about us right?" Jensen asked nervously, not liking the hooded emotions on Jared's face. "Or...you don't have to move rooms?"

Shaking his head, Jared couldn't help smiling. It was sweet that his first thought was about that. Looking up, he took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. "I'm going home."

 _Home_. Jensen stared at him with wide eyes, blinking in slow motion as he tried to comprehend what Jared was saying. "You... you're leaving?" He whispered, staring at Jared as he tried to make sense of this new information. "W-when?" He gasped, forcing his hand to stay locked with Jared's.

"It's been a month," Jared said softly. Threading his fingers through Jensen's he looked down at their hand. "Tomorrow, after the meeting." It still didn't feel real, as though somehow, there had been a mistake and Jared had misheard what Dr. Swain had said. Any second now she might burst through the door and say she'd changed her mind, there was no way he was ready to go home.

"Well," Jensen swallowed thickly and shook his head to clear away the sadness. "That's... that's good yeah?" He tried to make himself sound positive but _god_ the idea of losing Jared felt like way too much. "You don't want to be here," he insisted quietly, sounding more like he was trying to convince himself.

"Don't want to leave you though." Jared looked up, finally meeting Jensen's eyes. "Not at all." Honestly, it made him worry that things would change once he left. Maybe Jensen would forget about him or move on - realize that Jared wasn't what he wanted. In the ten minutes that had passed since the Doctor had told him he was leaving, he'd run the full gamut of feelings from happiness to fear.

"You... you'll come see me?" He whispered, blinking around the sudden swell of upset. "I... sorry... I know you probably can't wait to get out of here. God now I know how Chad felt." He huffed slightly and looked to the side. "I'm really gonna miss you." He exhaled slowly, forcing himself to hold onto his threatening upset of emotions.

"Me too, and of course I’ll come," Jared said quickly. "Me and Christian, every Wednesday. I bet he'll even drive up with me." Jared's brow furrowed. "Do you think he'll holler at me in the car?" Huffing out a small laugh Jared felt his eyes watering. "God, it's - this should be happy and it just doesn't feel right because I want _you_ out there."

Jensen nodded, thinking about all the things still listed on his goal list. "I... I'm trying. I'll be out of here soon I hope." He scratched along his forehead and shifted across the mattress until he was leaning against Jared's side. "I hope you don't forget about me," Jensen whispered, picking at the denim on Jared's thigh.

Laughing softly Jared curled his hand around the back of Jensen's neck and pulled him forward. "I was just thinking the same thing about you, that once I'm gone you might forget me or change your mind. Jensen?" He waited until their eyes met. "This _is_ good, it means you and I have a chance. I've worked through some things and now... I'll get myself together again out there and when you're ready. When you're ready to leave I'll be there for you."

"I won't know what to do," Jensen responded honestly, shaking his head. "I have no place to go, no job, no real skills." He sighed and laid his hand on Jared's chest over his heart. "And... I won't be forgetting you. It's not like I'm gonna be hooking up with Chad or Elvis or Sandy." Jensen laughed shakily and dipped forward to brush their lips together. "If you do find someone else? It's okay. I. I want you to be happy," he insisted through a tight whisper.

"Jensen, I _am_ happy. And, I'm going to be happy in my home, with my things, going back to work. And I'm going to be happy coming back to visit you." He frowned for a moment, chewing on his bottom lip while he thought. He didn't want to screw anything up but so many of the answers seemed so obvious. "Jensen, I have two rooms in my house. You, well, if you want, I mean you don't have to - you could stay there." Looking down, afraid Jensen might see the uncertainty in his eyes he continued. "No pressure to be anything. You can have your own room, pay some rent, and if you want to we can try to be ... more... if you want to."

Jensen stared at Jared in shock, heart fluttering slightly at just the _thought_ of sharing a home with Jared. "I would like that," he nodded quickly and surged forward to throw his arms around Jared. "I can't even really imagine not sharing a room with you anymore," Jensen whispered, eyes falling closed as he buried his nose into the side of Jared's neck and inhaled that warm, familiar scent. "Thank you," he breathed, arms tightening around Jared.

"You might like having your own room." Jared grinned. "But you know, you might need me... wait ... if you get better does that mean you'll stop having nightmares?" It hadn't occurred to him that things might change that much, somehow, he'd envisioned himself still waking up in the middle of the night and Jensen needing him. "Wow, you won't need me anymore. That's good right?" It didn't feel very good for some reason - but he _did_ want Jensen to be free of those dreams.

"I'll need you to make sure the nightmares don't come back," Jensen pointed out, pulling back to see Jared. "I never told you but when... when you stay at night and hold me, the dreams go away. That's the only time." He sighed softly and stroked a hand through Jared's hair, fingers curling into the back of his neck and pulling him in to brush their lips together.

Kissing him back softly, Jared’s lips broke into a smile. "Then I'm sure I can help with that." Pulling Jensen into his arms he sighed. " _God_ , it seemed so long at first." Blinking back the strange surge of emotions Jared laughed quietly. "Wanna take me to my last dinner? I dare them to kick me out if I hold your hand." Sitting back he grinned at Jensen.

"Maybe they'll kick me out if you hold my hand," Jensen suggested, chuckling softly as he threaded his fingers through Jared's and climbed off the bed, tugging him along. "I... I'm going to miss you," he said quietly, tightening his fingers with Jared's.

"Just till Wednesday." Grinning Jared slid past him and opened the door, "let's go and have dinner."

Shaking his head with a slight smile Jensen trailed along after Jared, fingers clenching around Jared's as they moved into the hallway.

"Hell...o. Boys," Sandy pulled up to a stop beside them, eyes shooting to their connected hands then back up to their faces. "Jared, I heard a rumor you might be on your way out of here yeah?" She smiled brightly, falling in step with them as they headed down the hall to the cafeteria.

"Yeah," Jared brushed his hair back off his forehead, "and Sandy - you're the Queen of gossip... want some good gossip?" He turned to wink at Jensen.

"You know I'm always up for some good gossip," she beamed brightly at them, nodding enthusiastically, giggling when Jensen shook his head slightly and smiled.

Jared looked around conspiratorially then leaned down and whispered, "we're dating."

Sandy squeaked in excitement, clamping a hand over her mouth to hide a wide grin. "I knew it! You two are the freaking cutest couple ever," leaning forward she added in a stage whisper, "even cuter then Christian and Chad but don't tell them I said that."

"So, the world was ending on Tuesday but because Christian is coming on Wednesday it's not?" A man with bright blue eyes and shaggy brown hair asked Chad curiously as they caught up to them just outside the cafeteria doors. "Well thank god, I've got so much to _do_."

"New guy," Sandy whispered once more and stepped forward with her usual wide grin, "hello! I'm Sandy!"

"Misha," he beamed at her, sweeping forward to take her hand and spin her around in a quick circle. "Lovely to meet you Sandy. And who are you two fine gentlemen?" Misha released his hold on the small brunette, grinning when she stumbled backward slightly, gaze turning to Jared and Jensen, lingering on both.

"I'm Jared and this is... my boyfriend Jensen." Jared figured there was no point in leaving any doubt not that he was jealous or concerned or worried. Or insecure. Jared held out his hand and shook Misha's.

"Don't worry Jared." Chad was beaming, obviously enjoying the idea of showing someone new the ropes. "I'll keep an eye on Jensen for ya."

Jensen huffed and looked away, hiding the grin on his face to Jared calling him his _boyfriend_.

"Boyfriend huh?" Misha dropped his hand a moment later when he realized Jensen wouldn't be shaking it. "Weird hooking up in here. Do you two do the nasty in the middle of the night between watches? Cause that is some kinky ass shit." He laughed, head tilting back as they moved forward in line.

Sandy giggled once more and shook her head. "Are you one of those really blunt talkers who can't keep anything secret?"

"Yeah it's kinda like someone took my brain to mouth filter and shoved it up Tom Cruise's ass. That not only explains the utter nut bag he is but my complete lack of social skills. Then again, you're all completely insane right? So I should fit right in." Misha nodded and slid back to throw his arm around Chad's shoulder. "My good roommate Chad here has promised to inform me which crazies I should avoid the most."

Laughing, Jared watched as they walked away. "Well, Jensen. I'd say things are going to get interesting around here. The time might go faster than you think." Tugging the other man down the hallway Jared moved them into the dining room and into the lineup so they could pick up their food. He watched Jensen, noted the half smile on the man's face, the lack of tension in his shoulders. Things _were_ getting better. Casting his eyes quickly around the room to make sure the staff were occupied he swept his lips across Jensen's temple.

"Pushing the lines," Jensen pointed out quietly, leaning slightly into Jared's body. "He talks a lot," he added a moment later, glancing back as if he expected the group to just randomly appear out of nowhere, which didn't seem unlikely in this place.

"Who are we looking for?" Jeff's voice startled Jared.

" _Jesus_ Jeff you're like a freaking ninja. Don't _do_ that." Jared shook his head.

Glancing down at their hands Jeff narrowed his eyes for a moment. "Love is in the air?" He winked at Jensen and bumped their shoulders together.

"No song," Jensen groaned and shook his head. The last thing he wanted was Jeff bursting out into song and drawing attention to them as he so often did. He was getting better at handling it sure but it would mean he would have to stop holding Jared's hand and he definitely didn't want that. "Chad got a new roommate," he pointed out in attempt to distract Jeff from the idea of singing, fingers curl, uncurling around Jared's.

"OOOoooh," Jeff looked pleased as he turned and saw Chad moving toward them, "fresh meat."

Waving, Chad dragged Misha along the edge of the lineup telling people to _shut up_ and _stuff it_ when they muttered to him about getting in line. "Jared! I was just telling Misha that we sit together. It's a rule."

Jeff shoved his hand toward Misha. "I am ... El... Jeff. Who are you?"

Jared laughed and tugged Jensen forward as the line moved. "You should write a book," he murmured near Jensen's ear.

With a snort of agreement Jensen nodded and turned to Jared, saying quietly, "fucking crazy book."

"Hello Jeff I am Misha." He nodded and grinned, shaking Jeff's hand and glancing at Chad as if the man had already explained who Jeff was and what was likely to happen.

"Misha talks more than me," Sandy pointed out as she slid up to the group, peering down the line and standing on tiptoes. "Anyone know what's for dinner? I'm _so_ hungry it's like... insane."

Chad bumped his fist against Sandy's arm gently. "You're _always_ hungry."

It only took a few minutes for them all to get their trays and settle at their usual table over by the window. Jared slid his hand over Jensen's thigh, under the table and pushed his dinner around on his plate as he half tuned out the voices around him. Leaning closer to Jensen he whispered, "I'm going to miss you too." He hadn't said it before, was afraid that he might not be able to say it without getting upset.

Turning to look at him, Jensen smiled, swayed dangerously close to Jared's lips before turning away and shifting upright in his seat.

"So did you two really hook up in here?" Misha asked, watching them as he shoveled food into his mouth. "Man that'll be a story to tell people later on huh? How'd you meet? Oh you know, crazy house. Like most couples we're insane we just started out that way," Misha laughed and shook his head. "Odd thing that. When you gonna get out of here then? Gonna still be together then?"

Jared turned to look at Jensen and smiled. "Yeah, we are - it's new so we're gonna take it slow. But you know the good thing is that I already know that Jensen snores." Jared's smile grew into a grin. "Hey Chad," he leaned forward, "when's Christian coming to visit?"

"Jesus, Jared - how many times I gotta tell you? He's coming Wednes... ahhhh," realization blossomed on Chad's face. "You're a clever man Jared. Questionable taste in men, but clever." He stuffed almost half a muffin in his mouth.

Jensen huffed and picked at his food, flicking a piece across the table to smack at Chad. "Asshat," he muttered quietly.

"Gotta thing for the strong and silent type eh?" Misha asked Jared with a raised eyebrow, smirk dancing across his lips. Jensen thought Misha looked pretty fitting a roommate for Chad. Though he figured Christian might be a little jealous which didn't seem like a really good thing.

"Jensen's dark and mysterious," Sandy mumbled around a mouthful of food.

"I like dark and mysterious," Jared murmured as he stabbed at his mashed potatoes and shoved some in his mouth. Tightening his fingers on Jensen's thigh he slid his hand a little higher.

Chad snorted and then choked for a few moments on muffin crumbs waving frantically for Sandy to pat his back.

Jeff leaned into the table and stared across at Misha. "What's your damage Misha?" He picked up a grape and popped it in his mouth. "Why you here?"

"Jeff!" Chad shot him a look. "Some people don't like to talk about that you know."

"Aw look at the boy all grown up," Sandy sighed and grinned at him, hand ruffling through Chad's hair as she finished patting his back. "Christian would be so proud of him huh?"

"This Christian fellow sounds like quite the enigma," Misha mused and drained a glass of water before setting it down and turning his gaze to Jeff. "I killed my puppy," he said, voice solemn and steady. The table fell into silence, everyone's actions halting in mid motion. A few beats past _too long_ , and just about the time Jensen was starting to shift closer to Jared, Misha tilted his head back and laughed, "fucking kidding, god your faces. I didn't kill anyone or anything. I may just be... you know... insane. A little. A lot. No, I jumped off a building. Or well, not a building, a house. Into a pool. Or a trampoline. Uh... I have issues."

Jensen blinked a few times and finished scooting closer to Jared, giving up on eating all together. "Alright then," he whispered, hand settling on Jared's wrist above the place his hand curved over his thigh.

Swallowing, brow furrowed Jared tried to focus his attention on where his hand was. "Was it ... a trampoline or a pool?" He blinked across the table at Misha.

Chad's eyes followed Jared's and he peered at his new roommate.

"I think it was actually the grass," Misha pointed out and looked around the table. "I thought I could fly. Possibly. But I have no feathers or wings. I used to I think, in a past life." He nodded and munched happily on a piece of bread for a while. When the group remained silent he looked back up and laughed, "What? Did you expect me to be _sane_?"

"Good point." Sandy laughed softly and shook her head. "Clearly you're unique. But hey, that's what being here is all about I suppose."

Jensen kind of wanted Jared to be done eating so they could go hide away for the rest of their last evening together. Misha was going to be a little _too_ much, he could already tell.

Picking up his spoon Jared started working on his jello. "Almost done," he mumbled over his mouthful. He could tell Jensen wanted to leave and it _was_ their last evening. Looking up at Misha, Jared smiled warmly. "You'll fit right in. Stick with this group; they'll take care of you." Shoving his tray back Jared looked down at all the food left on Jensen's tray. "You didn't eat very much."

Sandy giggled in time with Chad's snort and Jensen lifted his eyebrows at the two before looking back at Jared. "Not hungry," he shrugged and pushed up, grabbing his tray and waiting for Jared to join him.

"We'll distract the orderlies," Sandy informed with a wide grin.

Standing slowly Jared picked up his tray. "We're just gonna go ... talk... spend some time together. Everyone stay out of trouble." Jared smiled as he turned to follow Jensen to the tray drop off. As soon as they were out of the dining hall Jared grabbed Jensen's hand again, letting himself be almost dragged down the hall. "Hey." He took a few extra-large steps to catch up to Jensen's side, "you okay?"

"I just," Jensen glanced around the hall toward the voices of a group of people heading the opposite way. Talking in public was still a lot harder than Jensen liked. He remained silent until they were behind the safety of their closed door. Jensen's arms extended up to wrap around his shoulders, leaning heavily into Jared. "I'm scared that... the nightmares. The bad stuff. It's all gonna come while you're gone... and what if I'm not strong enough?" He whispered into Jared's neck.

"It might be hard at first. It's gonna... it's gonna be strange for me to fall asleep at night without listening to you breathe." Arms snaking around Jensen's shoulders Jared buried his nose in warm, sweet smelling hair. "Maybe you'll get another roommate who can help?" A dull sort of pressure built in his chest even thinking about someone else taking his place somehow.

"Doubtful," he scoffed and shook his head. "You know? Before you I had fifteen roommates. None ever helped. None cared. Not until you." He pushed forward until every part of him was leaning against Jared's body. "Don't think you can just sneak me out of here with you tomorrow can you?" Jensen asked quietly with a soft chuckle.

"I wish I could, but this is good, you know?" Heat was burning low and tender inside him, and he tried to ignore the fact that all of Jensen; every curve and line, muscle - even the jut of his hip bone - was pressed up against his body. Shuffling his feet apart so he sank down to Jensen's height, Jared let his hands slide down to cover the man's hips. "You're going to be fine; it's only like six nights." He licked his lips, staring at Jensen's, "until I'm back here again to visit."

"To visit," Jensen murmured, leaning heavier into Jared's body as if the man could support all his weight. "Is it bad that I need you?" He whispered, rolling his lips together as his hands slid down Jared's back, over the cotton, barely grazing along the skin. "Do you need me?"

"S'not bad," Jared moved his lips over Jensen's face like he was seeing it, feeling the way all the lines and curves fit together. "I need you. I -" Jared sighed, tongue darting out to paint across Jensen's bottom lip gently. "I feel-" Jared blew out a breath and let his head fall back against the door. The last thing he wanted to do was start talking about things he wasn't even sure of.

"What do you feel like?" Jensen asked softly, leaning in to brush his lips against Jared's neck slowly. His heart was fluttering rapidly in his chest, body completely aware of every inch of heat coming from Jared's body against his. "Jared?" He whispered, sucking slowly along his collar bone.

Shaking his head slowly Jared's fingers dug into the front of Jensen's hips. "I'll–” _God_ it was next to impossible to think with Jensen's lips moving on him like that. "Y..You, where'd you learn to make me feel - make someone feel like this?" All the whispered words from Jensen whirled around in his mind.

"I didn't," Jensen whispered against the skin of Jared's neck, pulling up a moment later to stare at the flush along his face. "It's a good thing?" He asked, enjoying the idea that he could have any sort of effect on Jared like that. "Jared..." Jensen whispered, bringing his hand around to the front of his body, fingers sliding along above the edge of his pants, pressing slowly beneath the fabric, lips pressing hard together as the warmth of his skin burned beneath the tip of his fingers.

"Oh." Jared lifted his head off the door and grabbed Jensen's shoulders to turn them, shoving the other man back against the door. "It's a good thing." Hands sliding down the Jensen's sides then around to curve along the man's ass, Jared sighed. "Does it feel the same for you... when I?" He knew he wasn't making sense, his words were all tangled up in the possibilities, the future, the way he felt so drawn to Jensen. Sinking forward he dragged his tongue along Jensen's neck then sucked on a patch of skin just below his ear.

"Feels-" Jensen moaned quietly and rocked forward into Jared's body. "God. I..." he gasped softly as the hard line of his arousal rolled against Jared's body. "S'good," he finally managed to get out, mind flaring as he tried to imagine Jared's touch without clothing separating them. His shoulders leaned back into the door slightly for support, eyes blinking slowly up at Jared. "When we can do more." He had to force the words to get them to come heart ratcheting into overtime. "What - what is it like? Will you be... on top?" Jensen barely breathed the words around a clenched throat.

Heart lurching in his chest, Jared pressed Jensen back into the door. "Wh..whatever you want. I can ... it's what I like." Sliding one hand up over Jensen belly, fingers catching his sweatshirt and slipping underneath; Jared smiled and ran his teeth down the pulse throbbing in Jensen's neck.

"You... you ... _God_ ," Jared murmured against the heat of Jensen's neck. "Whatever you want." Dragging his lips across Jensen's cheek, wet, slightly-parted - Jared sucked hard on the man's swollen bottom lip. It was soft, silken skin. "There's no rush." Although, the way his body was bubbling with sensation he wasn't sure he believed that. "Don't know how I'll wait." He bit down on Jensen's neck, "I mean," He shoved his face roughly into Jensen's neck and moaned softly. "I will wait... but it will _fucking_ kill me." Laughing softly Jared slid his broad palm up over Jensen's chest. "Gonna leave you my other sweatshirts."

"Good," Jensen gasped as his body moved up into Jared's touches. He'd been thinking about this for a while now, though he hadn't necessarily said it because it seemed almost too much to admit to. "Jared? I want you to top... to be... in control of me," he whispered the words, almost too quiet to be heard over the gentle pants passing between them. "I want to feel that." Jensen flushed with slight embarrassment and more than a little _want_.

Jared's chest tightened as the words sunk into his mind. The flesh of Jensen's chest was warm and smooth. Dropping his free hand Jared lifted the hem of the oversized sweatshirt and tugged on it until Jensen lifted his arms. Pulling the sweatshirt up and off over Jensen's head Jared smiled and threw it over his shoulder cringing when he heard it hit the lamp on the nightstand. "You shouldn't hide under these things," he murmured and pressed his lips back against Jensen's before the other man could protest.

Jensen felt over exposed, bare before Jared without the usual comfort of too big cotton. "Jared, we can't," he gasped as Jared's fingers brushed across his chest. Every part of Jensen was already humming in response to Jared's touch and Jensen's hips rocked forward of their own accord. Despite his earlier insistence, Jensen moaned a quiet, "touch me," into Jared's mouth, tongue flicking forward to trace the man's lower lip.

It was almost perfect. The innocence reflected in Jensen's eyes and the way the man's body almost contradicted that. Each time Jensen's hips moved forward Jared's breath hitched in his chest.

Twisting his hand, sliding his palm back down over Jensen's belly. Sliding his tongue across the other man's Jared moved his fingers under the waist band of Jensen's scrubs. "Plenty of time later," he breathed against Jensen's lips. But, his fingers didn't stop moving, slipping lower and lower until the flesh of Jensen's hard shaft ghosted against Jared's fingers. Gasping into Jensen's open mouth Jared's knees buckled for a moment as desire flooded through his veins.

"God," Jensen moaned, rapidly slanting his mouth over Jared's to keep from making too much noise. The warm slide of Jared's fingers over his skin made his heart pick up speed at an alarming rate. His back pressed harder into the door. A steady shake was working across his shoulders, coursing down his spine, making his knees dip. "More," he whimpered, a breathy gasp, hips jutting forward before rolling back against the door in an impatient writhe.

" _Jesus_ Christ." Jared's hand thumped hard against the door as his own hips rocked forward to grind desperately against Jensen's. His hand caught between their bodies gripped Jensen's cock and stroked up as his mouth caught a long moan from the man.

Reaching up Jensen threaded his fingers through Jared's hair, curling into the soft silk and tightening. The feel of Jared's hand around him was successfully cutting off all his ability to think properly and Jensen had to suck in deep breaths through the kiss. "Jared," he gasped, leg lifting to wrap around his calf. "Can we ... more?" He whispered, knowing there were limits and lines they shouldn't cross in this place. But the need to feel _Jared_ was almost too much.

Shifting his hips to the side, giving himself more room Jared stroked Jensen's cock. The speed of his rhythm was driven by the risk, the slightly dangerous knowledge that someone might knock on the door at any moment. Want flooded through him; he needed to show Jensen what it felt like to be wanted, needed. "I need you,” he whispered against Jensen's ear then trailed his lips, wet and hot down the man's neck so he could suck hard on the flushed skin above his collar bone.

Jensen's head thumped back against the door, hands extending to drag along every inch of Jared's body he could reach. "J-Jared," he moaned, biting down on his lower lip to keep as silent as possible. His vision felt like it was blurring, too much for him to handle, and still not enough. "Your touch," Jensen whispered, hips almost a constant motion once more. "I'm, it’s too much," he warned in a gasp, swallowing thickly.

Jared's only answer was to stretch up and slam his mouth hard against Jensen's, tongue fucking into the man's mouth as his hand moved faster - urging Jensen on. His free hand slid around to the small of Jensen's back, arching his spine forward and moaning softly.

Pleasure curled through Jensen, shot down his spine and he nearly climbed up Jared's body as his release shot through him fast enough to almost make his legs give out. " _Jared_ ," he whimpered, body sinking back against the door and nearly slid down to the floor, only held up by Jared's firm body pressed against him. Heat pulsed through him, muscles tightening as his hips thrust forward with each thick hot jet of come shooting against Jared's hand and along the inside of his pants.

Gripping Jensen's back tightly, Jared held him up - working him through his release tenderly, pressing and sucking gentle kisses across his face, down his jaw. "Beautiful," he murmured. Jensen's cheeks were flushed, his hair messy, lips swollen and glistening. Jared just wanted to hold him for the rest of the night, whisper all the things he was too afraid to say out-loud; he wanted to convince Jensen, make him believe he would be back.

Sighing through the content air settling around him, "I've never felt something so-" He exhaled slowly and stroked his hands down the side of Jared's face, along his neck, lower down along his chest. "Can I - can I touch you?" Jensen whispered, fingers dipping just slightly under Jared's waist line, ghosting along the skin. He didn't think he'd do very well but _god_ he wanted to touch Jared and make him feel just as good. Make it known that he could be a good partner.

"We're gonna get busted." Jared chuckled as he pushed Jensen's hair back off his forehead. "Just seeing you, like this." Each time he looked at Jensen's face, saw the way his pupils were blown with pleasure Jared couldn't help grinding his body closer, longer, harder against Jensen's.

"Can't barge in, we're against the door," Jensen pointed out, shoving his hand the rest of the way inside Jared's pants, swiftly curling his hand around Jared's hard flesh. It felt full, thick in his hand, hotter than he expected, and Jensen wetted his lips as he twisted a stroke slowly up the length of Jared's cock. He was more nervous than he thought he should be but he wanted this to be _good_ , more than he wanted anything else at the moment.

Jared moaned at the cool touch of Jensen's fingers, hand sliding down the door with a slight squeak. "D..Don't have to." But his hips swung forward sliding his cock against Jensen's palm. Eyes locking with Jensen's he bit down hard on his bottom lip, trying to keep quiet.

"Want to," Jensen insisted, tightening his fingers around Jared and stroking more steadily. For a few moments he fumbled over the right way to grasp him, the right way to stroke and squeeze, but the look on Jared's face said he was enjoying it and Jensen watched with greedy eyes. "You like it like this?" He asked quietly, swallowing thickly as the heat of Jared burned along his palm.

"I d..do." Jared left his forehead rest against Jensen's, rolling it slowly, tongue darting out to lick at Jensen's bottom lip. His blood moved thick and slow in his veins as his heart strained and thudded, Jared's muscles felt weak, over-taxed as he tried to stand in the swirl of heat and desire that was sliding through him. All the nights of holding Jensen pressed up against his body were adding up, the _want_ building until he found himself quite suddenly overwhelmed. Desire built up fast in Jared's belly, spiraling out of control quickly.

Dipping forward Jensen slid his lips along every inch of Jared's neck that he could reach. He sucked on the skin, pulling blood to the surface. It wouldn't matter if he marked Jared, he would be leaving tomorrow anyway. Quickening the slid of his hand Jensen slid his lips further up Jared's neck until he could bring them together for another deep kiss, tongue circling forward slowly to cover every inch of his mouth as possible, kissing him with earnest, slow glides.

As soon as Jensen's tongue slid forward Jared's resolve completely fell apart. He'd wanted to wait, _God_ , give Jensen something to remember when they were finally together somehow. But his body reacted so strongly to Jensen's, his heart thudding out a constant message of desire. His orgasm sparked to life quickly, spurred on by the look on Jensen's face and the subtle movements of his tongue. Hips shuddering, Jared moaned and curled his nails into the wooden door, crushed his mouth against Jensen's and came. Unable to stop himself from rolling his hips into Jensen's as his cock pulsed out his release he gasped for breath, trying to keep his lips pressed hard against Jensen's.

Feeling Jared fall apart against him was almost surreal. By the time he finished Jensen was panting heavily, mind reeling into overtime, eyes fluttering. "Fuck... that was hot," he moaned into the kiss as Jared pressed hard into him and their lips slid and collided. They kissed for longer than Jensen could keep track of until they finally needed to break apart to breathe. Shuddering in a quick breath Jensen blinked a few times at Jared before swallowing and looking to the side. "Gotta... change my pants," he pointed out, glancing down at himself.

"MMhhmmm." Jared lapped at Jensen's lips as his hands slid up and down his sweat-damp sides. "Hide the evidence," he murmured. He felt like he was coming down from a high, his mind fuzzy around the edges, he tugged at Jensen's bottom lip with his teeth. "Does that give you something to look forward to?"

"Yes," Jensen whispered, falling in against Jared once more. He was fairly certain Jared could be quite addicting if he wasn't careful. "That's just barely the beginning huh? There's so much more" He chuckled softly and shook his head, incapable to even imagine what the _more_ might feel like. "I lov- um..." Jensen coughed and pulled away, heading across the room to his dresser to grab a fresh pair of pants.

"You love what?" Jared half stumbled across the room and pulled a pair of pants out of his drawer. Trying to ignore the fact that this was all _lasts_ , the last time he'd go to sleep here, the last time he would touch Jensen until he could come back and visit.

Jensen shimmied quickly out of his pants, kicking them toward his bed before tugging out a fresh pair and sliding swiftly inside. His orgasm had seemingly shook his mind and caused him to not pay close enough attention to what he was saying. "Wanna lay and talk a while?" He asked as he turned back to Jared, heading toward his bed and climbing onto the mattress, settling back on his pillow and closing his eyes. "Tell me about the plans you have for once you get out of here?"

Sighing, Jared wiped his stomach with his dirty pants and slid into some fresh boxers. Padding over to the bed he sat down, fingers trailing down over Jensen's chest. "What were you gonna say?" He tilted his head to the side, staring down at the other man. "What do you love? Touching?" He smiled, "I could touch you forever."

Turning slowly, Jensen opened his eyes and stared at Jared, shaking his head. "No. That's not what I was gonna say." He sighed and scratched along his brow. "It's not, I'm just... reacting too quickly. How could I know? Can we forget about me saying anything?" He asked with a quiet plea, half smiling at Jared. "I think my um... orgasm... turned my brain off or something."

Brow furrowing Jared smiled softly. "Okay." He laid down beside Jensen and stretched out. "So," it worried at the edges of his brain, the fact that there were still things Jensen didn't want to tell him. "You wanna know my plans." Tucking his arms behind his head, he thought about it for a few moments. "The first thing I'm going to do is go for a run. I want to just run and run, you know, because no one can keep me confined anymore." Turning toward Jensen he wriggled down on the bed so he could reach his lips with a quick kiss. "Does that seem silly?"

"No." Jensen shook his head. "I've been here so long... not sure what I'd do with all that open space," he shrugged and reached out to tuck hair behind his ear. "Think you will go back to work fairly soon? Will you wait to get a dog until I'm there?" Jensen asked quietly, trailing his fingers down along Jared's chest.

Jared laughed softly. "You remembered I wanted a dog." Still smiling he looked up at the ceiling. "We can pick a dog together when you're my _roommate_ if you want." Everything was starting to sink in. The leaving, the possibility of so much to come with Jensen, the way his body still thrummed with distant pleasure. "M'tired... you stayin' up for a while?"

"Just gonna think," Jensen nodded and shifted back to crawl under his blanket. "Gonna get in your own bed for a while?" Jensen asked quietly, staring at Jared with sad eyes, not liking the idea of Jared not being there tomorrow night, or any of the other nights until he was free of this place.

"Oh." Jared shifted to the edge of the bed, "if you want me too." Pushing up he stepped over to the other bed and climbed under his covers. "It's early; everyone will probably wake me up when they finally go to bed." Sighing, he tried to get comfortable, feeling a little like he'd done something wrong. "Are we still okay? Should I not have..."

"What?" Jensen stared at him in confusion, frowning slightly before climbing out of his own bed and sliding quickly under the covers beside Jared. "We - I thought we were okay." He stared at him, lips pressed together. "I just, you said you were tired and I knew the check and Jared-" he breathed, dipping in to press a kiss to the edge of his mouth. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you think... I just thought I might be, you know, being stupid about stuff." Jensen huffed and rolled his shoulders.

"Okay." Jared smiled slightly. “I’m sorry. I guess I still - I mean I can't always believe that things can be so good for me. Like you, I can't believe sometimes that you-" he shrugged, "that you want me." Slipping further down under his covers he nuzzled into the crook of Jensen's neck and whispered, "stay for a while - they won't be here for a while to check."

Jensen settled down against Jared's side, sighing softly. He didn't bother arguing the facts with Jared about all the reasons his shock was unfounded. Jared knew his history, they both needed each other. "Wake me if, well, you know." Jensen chuckled softly and slid a hand through Jared's hair, eyes falling closed.

-=-=-=-

The morning was a bit of a blur to Jared. He woke early to find Jensen still pressed against him. Obviously if there had been a check in the night someone had seen fit to let them have their night together. Jared smiled and woke Jensen with gentle kisses, hands moving slowly over the man's body until his eyes opened reluctantly. Jensen helped him pack; it didn't take long, Jared hadn't bothered to get anything other than what Tom had brought for him during the first week. Every single one of Jared's sweatshirts was left in the closet for Jensen and he even left his favorite t-shirt - insisting the Jensen would look better in a baggy t-shirt rather than a huge sweatshirt. They agreed it was something for Jensen to work on.

Far too soon they were moving down the hallway to the last group that Jared would attend. As he entered the room with Jensen, he dropped his bag just inside the door and threaded their fingers together. When he sat down, he could feel how tense Jensen was but was glad he didn't pull away. He figured he had nothing to lose - and Jensen was making so much progress they wouldn't dare take any of _that_ away from him.

"Well," Dr. Hopkins smiled as she came around the front of the group. "You know boys, this is supposed to be a _good_ thing. Getting better, that's _good_ ," she chuckled softly and glanced at their joined hands before looking away.

"It is good," Sandy nodded and slid up to Jared's side, bumping into him. "If you get out of here Jared then Jensen will do all in his power to follow along."

"Exactly," Dr. Hopkins nodded and didn't look nearly as surprised by the comment as she should likely be.

"I'm getting better for Christian," Chad piped up. "Well," he clarified, "I'm getting better for me but it's gonna mean that once I get out I get to have Christian." A grin crept on to his face and he scratched at his short blond hair, "he loves me ya know."

Jared laughed softly and caught Jeff's eye.

"And, in light of such romance," Jeff's eyes were crinkled with amusement as he looked over at the worried expression that suddenly appeared on Chad's, "I shall _not_ sing you a love song." Smacking Chad on the shoulder he settled back in his chair.

Without waiting for the Doctor to encourage him to speak, Jared tugged Jensen's hand over onto his thigh and blurted out, "I'm going home today, you know, in case Sandy neglected to tell anyone."

"I kept my mouth shut," Sandy nodded and glanced up, eyes widening when she caught Chad's gaze. "Well... okay maybe I told Chad."

"You told me," Misha pointed out from the place he sat crossed legged in the middle of the tiled floor, fingers pressing together in a slow roll. "And I don't even know the gay lover boys over there. But _Jesus_ do I know a lot about Christian now."

Jensen snorted softly and turned toward Jared, dipping down to lay his forehead on the man's shoulder. He breathed in Jared's comforting smell, trying to hold as much of it in as possible. The last thing he wanted was Jared to go but it was good the man was getting better.

"Gay lover boys?" Jared snorted out a laugh. "Anyway, I'm gonna go home and get used to being on my own again - go back to work and... " he blinked and glanced down at Jensen's face. "And," he continued, "I'm going to wait for Jensen to be ready to leave here."

"That rocks!" Chad blurted out. "Jensen's gettin' better all the time. Jared did you know that guy didn't even talk before you got here, wouldn’t touch anyone, hated coming to group. Look at him now!" He beamed at Jensen proudly.

Shifting in his seat Jeff looked puzzled. "I could swear I'd heard Jensen speaking before Jared got here. Didn't you Jensen?” He leaned forward and suddenly everyone in the room was looking at Jensen.

"No." Jensen shook his head, staring around at the group. "I haven't spoken for over a year and a half, even maybe almost three years. Since before my melt down at the mall when the people crowded in on me and I threw a rack of clothing over the railing," he pointed out and sighed. "Of course that's not that too big a surprise because those people were _crowding_ me and-" He stopped abruptly, looking at them all with slightly wide eyes.

"Wow... that's the most I've ever heard you say at one time," Sandy said in surprise, glancing over at Dr. Hopkins as she smiled and wrote something in her notebook. "You are getting better then, Jensen."

"Of course he is," Chad said and looked at Sandy like she was missing the whole point. "God."

Smiling, Jared squeezed Jensen's hand. "He is," he murmured.

Jeff threw his arms up in the air and hollered, "hallelujah!" Chad jumped and flung his arm out to punch Jeff in the shoulder.

"Crazies," Jensen muttered and shook his head, looking at Jared with soft eyes. "And you're gonna leave me here with them. Thanks."

Misha's head fell back as he laughed, "Clearly I got assigned to the right group of people."

"Okay, let's calm it down, Jared needs to be on his way in a few minutes so why doesn't even take a moment to say goodbye, wish him luck. Sandy, would you like to start?" Dr. Hopkins smiled at her, circling the pen slowly along the paper.

Sandy pushed out of her chair and reached out to take Jared's hand, squeezing it softly. "You are so very strong Jared. I know you're gonna be just fantastic out in the real world." She giggled and ruffled his hair fondly. "And you'll use the time without Jensen to make sure you are all ready to be the epic boyfriend of hotness. Just don't be a stranger," she insisted and slid back, glancing over at Chad.

Smiling, Chad stood then leaned down over Jared to pull him into a quick and rather uncomfortable looking hug. "You're gonna do good, dude. I know it. And I'm gonna see you again right?" He smiled and slipped back onto his chair.

Jared nodded, "yeah, Chad. You're gonna see me again."

Jeff grinned over at Jared, extending his legs out in front of him and crossing them at the ankle. "Jared? You are a good man. I know everyone here thinks I'm completely batshit insane but I know a good man when I see one. And ... I think that you and Jensen are good for one another. You know ... like white suits and rhinestones - can't have one without the other." He nodded, satisfied with his speech.

Throwing his head back Jared laughed full and loud. When he finally managed to suck in a breath of air he stood and walked over to plant a big wet kiss on Jeff's cheek. "You keep singin' man." Walking back over to his chair he grabbed Jensen's hand and sat back down.

"I don't really know you," Misha pointed out and laughed, shaking his head. "But I do wish you luck. Nothing worse than repeat performances," he nodded wisely, speaking as if he'd had his fair share of the things.

The group as a whole turned to Jensen and he flushed with embarrassment. He knew they'd kind of been saying goodbye to each other since Jared found out. Swallowing thickly he turned to Jared and reached up to tuck a loose strand of hair behind his ear. "Last night," Jensen whispered as quietly as possibly, catching just the glimpse of the group as a whole leaning in toward him. "When I said you know... I..." he sighed and shook his head, wrapping his arms around Jared and burying his nose just beneath Jared's ear. "I may possibly love you," Jensen whispered, just barely more than an exhale.

Smiling, Jared pulled back so he could nudge Jensen's head up with two of his fingers. "Me too," he said, eyes wide and watery. It was as though no one else was even in the room. "You get better so - so you can come home." Licking his lips he added, "to me."

"I've never had a home," Jensen whispered, sighing softly and shoving away all the self-conscious thoughts holding him back. Pushing forward he slid his lips against Jared's, wrapping his arms tight around his shoulders and nearly climbing onto his lap.

Dr. Hopkins cleared her throat and looked to the side, "I really shouldn't be allowing this type of behavior."

"It's really cute," Sandy said in a soft whisper.

Chad leaned forward, resting his arms on his thighs and held his finger up at the Doctor. "Shhh, it's actually pretty hot. Just don't anyone tell Christian."

Reaching out Jeff grabbed Sandy's hand and stared over at the two men.

Jared cupped the back of Jensen's head, fingers sliding through his cropped hair and pulling him into a deeper kiss. Their mouths moved together softly for a few more moments before Chad started clapping slowly and Jared smiled against Jensen's mouth. "Okay." he murmured, "don't want to get you in too much trouble."

"Maybe they'll kick me out," Jensen whispered and chuckled softly, dropping into the seat beside Jared's body and sighing.

"Well," Dr. Hopkins coughed once more, staring down at her notebook as if her flushed face wasn't noticeable. "Jared, transportation has been arranged for you, it's probably time to be on your way." She smiled and stood, extending her hand out to him. "Congratulations on coming this far. It is a very big step."

Jensen's heart quickened, nerves fluttering into overdrive. He wasn't ready for Jared to go but he knew it was all part of the process. They'd be all the better for it.

Pushing up from his chair Jared let his fingers brush against Jensen's cheek. "Wednesday. I ... " leaning down he whispered, "come home to me." Straightening quickly, blinking away his tears Jared moved past Chad. "You remind him, me and Christian, every Wednesday." He curled his fingers over Chad's shoulders in a quick squeeze, grabbed his bag and left the room.

"You okay?" Sandy whispered, hand curling around Jensen's arm and squeezing softly.

Staring at the now empty doorway Jensen swallowed thickly and forced his eyes away. "Yeah. I... yeah," he nodded before shaking his head and stepping away, heading out of the room, content with the idea of spending the rest of the day alone in his room.


	6. Chapter 6

It was weird - starting your whole life over again. It was even weirder coming back home to an apartment where there were still empty medication bottles on your bathroom floor and you had to face the fact that you really _did_ do everything you already knew you did. Somehow - it was far worse to _see_ it.

Jared spent his first night at home cleaning, rearranging furniture, throwing away things he didn't want anymore - things that reminded him too much of Tom and not enough of himself. Hell, there were things in his home that he had bought _just_ because he'd known that Tom would approve. It was never something Tom asked and all those things went into the garbage too.

The second thing that Jared did was set up a room for Jensen. He decided that once he went back to work he was going to buy things for the room, make it more like a home. Most importantly, he wanted to get a desk for Jensen, somewhere he could keep writing. The way Jensen took to writing in his journal - Jared figured maybe he was going to be rooming with the next great writer for the decade.

The first week passed quickly. There was a lot of work to do around the house, the gardens had been neglected for a month and his neighbors had picked up enough mail and bills that it took Jared an entire day just to wade through it all. After a few phone calls to work, some insurance forms and a meeting - he was back at work at the art Gallery where he'd been the creative director for the past four years. They were happy to have him back and more than willing to work with him to ensure he kept a reasonable schedule and didn't get himself swallowed up with work stress too quickly. It made him happy to return to his life although he missed Jensen terribly.

Jared hadn't realized how much time he spent with Jensen until he got home. Suddenly, he ate all his meals alone, sat outside reading by himself; fell asleep with only the sound of his own breath. The first few nights he was alone, wrapped up in his quilt with the windows flung open he slept fitfully and then awoke in the middle of the night convinced he had heard Jensen's voice calling out to him. It was disturbing and more than once he almost climbed into his car and headed out to the Institute. It was only the fact that he knew he'd never be allowed to see Jensen that stopped him.

The first week, just like he promised he went to see Jensen. It was like the first morning the sun broke through gray clouds after a long, late summer storm. His world lightened up, and his arms were open so fast and full of Jensen even faster. They spent the entire visiting afternoon together and Jared left feeling better than ever - more optimistic that things would work out.

He fell into a routine quickly. He worked at the gallery Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday; he visited with Jensen every Wednesday without fail (even the time he had the flu and insisted that Jensen stay at the opposite end of the couch from him the entire time); Jared bought an antique wooden reporter’s desk and slowly stripped and refinished it over the first few weeks giving it a place in Jensen's new room.

Jared felt like he was growing. Over the course of the first month Jared took on some more responsibility at the Gallery and curated his first show. It was a great success and curating was added to his list of duties.

Jensen was a little better every time Jared saw him. He was always pleased to show Jared his list of goals and which ones he felt he had accomplished. Each week that passed was marked by another line through another word and Jared's heart felt a little closer to the love he wanted.

The second month went faster. Jared was hoping that Jensen would be ready to go home by the end of the month although he didn't discuss it with anyone. No need for there to be any more pressure applied to Jensen than what he already put on himself.

Two shows at the gallery were a success and Jared was pleased with himself, feeling a lot like he enjoyed his job again instead of it feeling like drudgery. He bought an old wooden chair to go with Jensen's desk and spent most evenings out on his back porch sanding it by hand then refinishing it so that it matched Jensen's desk.

Each Wednesday morning Jared woke with a smile and a nervous tingle down his spine as he wondered if it would be the day that Jensen would be ready to leave. Each Wednesday he hoped he'd walk into the visiting room to see Jensen's bags packed, his sweatshirt on, baggy and long.

-=-=-=-

In his mind, Jensen had always imagined he'd get the okay to go on a Tuesday, then Wednesday morning would show up and Jensen would be ready to go with Jared. Which was why, on Monday, he wasn't prepared for the conversation. Dr. Swain had called him into her office with a bright smile and Jensen's heart had sped up at an alarming rate.

Apparently over the past two months he'd shown such an improvement that the entire Institution as a whole seemed to be shocked by him. The place wasn't really the same anyway. Chad had left a few weeks before, Sandy a month or so before. Even Jeff was ready to go. Misha was a complete and total basket case but Jensen clung to him for the most part because everyone else was new.

So Tuesday afternoon came and Jensen suddenly found himself staring at a taxi, looking out at the real world for the first time in almost two years. Jared's address was written on a piece of paper clutched in his hand and Jensen could only work up the strength to hand it to the man and slide into the back seat.

It was one thing to feel _better_ but it was completely different to be thrust out into the world alone. Panic was rising up in him and Jensen clung to the bag on his lap, panting softly as he tried to tell himself that Jared was still going to want him there.

Sure they'd seen each other once a week and Jared seemed just as interested but taking in a man just released from a nuthouse had to be a pretty big deal. The panic in Jensen only grew when he arrived at Jared's house and stepped out to knock at the front door. There was no answer and by the time he'd turned around the taxi was gone. Jensen let his bag slowly drop beside his feet as he peered up and down the street. There was no sign of anyone and well, it was the middle of the day. Jensen thought Jared was likely working but he didn't have the work address. Or a phone number. Or a way to call.

 _Fuck_ he didn't even have any money. Jensen was screwed.

Swallowing thickly he stepped forward, reclaiming his bag and moving to the step to drop down and sit. At this point, all he had was a selection of crazy clothes, his journal, and some books. He had no idea how long he was going to be waiting, but it was hardly mid-morning and it didn't seem very likely that Jared would be home soon.

After a while he tried to write but the words wouldn't come, he tried to read but the simple out door noises kept startlingly him. Eventually he simply gave in sat back, tilting his head back to stare at the sky, and watch the people walk down the sidewalk, only jumping a few times at the sudden sound of the car door being slammed shut or dog barking.

The day was warm and Jensen was bouncing on the heated sidewalk, eager to see Jared, terrified he might be turned away, confused and more than a little overwhelmed. And possibly a little angry at the people who'd decided sending him on his way now was a good idea. If they could have just waited for a day then he wouldn't be having this issue at all. As it was, Jensen was going to be lucky if he didn't fall back into insanity by the time Jared showed up.

-=-=-=-

Jared had the windows open on his drive home, letting the cool air blow through his hair. It had been a long day at the gallery and he was ready for a beer and some down time, maybe a new movie and a pizza. Pulling into his driveway he turned off the ignition and threw his door open reaching down onto the floor trying to pick up his bag and papers off the floor. Crawling backwards out of the vehicle he slammed his door and turned around slung his bag over his shoulder, climbing up his front porch and coming face to face with a figure slumped down on his top step.

"Hello? Are- Jensen!" He almost threw his bag across the porch and stumbled up the last step to fling his arms around the other man. "What? What ... why are you here?" He was planting kisses all over Jensen's face, squeezing him up against his chest, "you're done? Are you out?"

Jensen laughed in shock and surprise, clinging to Jared tightly and almost crawling up onto him. "I'm done," he whispered, springing up off the hard cement and wrapping his legs tight around Jared's waist. His heart was racing into overtime now and his hands curled up into Jared's hair, holding on as the man stumbled backward slightly. "God I've missed you. I didn't know where to go. I've been waiting all day. Is it okay that I'm here?" He gasped the words in a long flow, head turning to catch Jared's lips against his own.

Kissing Jensen like he hadn't seen him _once_ in two months Jared groaned happily and stumbled toward the house. "Should maybe," he mumbled, "go inside." _God_ the idea of having Jensen all to himself and not having to worry about anyone finding them was quite appealing. Then again, he didn't want to terrify Jensen his first night out. Slipping his hands under Jensen's ass, Jared held him up and finally managed to step toward the door, laughing, lips moving continuously against Jensen's.

"I-I..." Jensen gasped, nails dragging along his scalp as his body moved restlessly against Jared's. "Am I... should I..." he moaned as his cock pressed through his pants and into Jared's abs. He let his legs slide down Jared's body, feet settling onto the cement as he loosened his hold on Jared and stepped back slightly. "Sorry um... I've been waiting a while," he chuckled nervously and looked around for his bag, darting around Jared to snatch it. "It's still okay that I'm here right?" He whispered, turning back to Jared.

"Of course it's okay that you're here. _God_. I've got things to show you." Searching his pockets for his keys he reached under Jensen's arm, pressing him against the door and slid the key into the lock. "I'm _so_ fucking glad you're here." His lips moved against Jensen's as he turned the lock and pushed the door open. "Here," the door swung open behind them, "welcome home." He pressed his lips softly to Jensen's and pushed him back into the cool house.

Curiosity had Jensen moving forward now, looking around at the house for all the little signs that it was Jared's. His. "I love it," he whispered, turning back to Jared with a grin before meandering into the living room. "I don't know why they decided to let me out today, seems kind of random," he pointed out, shaking his head as he trailed his fingers along the furniture. "Where should I put my bag?" Jensen asked, turning back to him once more.

"Your room." Jared smiled and walked over to grab Jensen's hand and tug him down the hallway. He pushed open the door to the bedroom and led Jensen inside. "Here ... your room." Jared smiled nervously and ran his hand through his hair. "I refinished the desk and chair for you, so you... so you could keep writing. I know you like writing." Moving over to pull the curtains back so the light could shine in, Jared leaned against the window sill. "Is it okay? We can re-do it if there's something else you would like. The quilt is an old one I had when I first moved in here, it's really warm..." his voice trailed off.

Jensen looked around slowly, letting his bag slip from his shoulder and come to rest along the floor. He hadn't realized he wouldn't be sharing rooms with Jared but it made sense. "It's good," he nodded when he realized he hadn't answered, turning to Jared and smiling. "Thank you, I. I really appreciate it." He rubbed a hand along the back of his neck, feet shuffling along the floor. "So um... what are you plans for the night? How do you usually spend a Tuesday night?" Jensen was so unaccustomed to life outside Happy Dale; he couldn't even guess what people did with their free time.

"I was... I was gonna order a pizza and watch a movie. Does that sound okay?" He glanced over at Jensen, suddenly nervous. "Is the room okay? You look a little disappointed." Scratching his head he walked over to the bed and kicked at the bed post with his toe. "Maybe we could buy you some new bed clothes, or pick out a lamp or something. I ... I really wanted you to be happy here." Jared's heart was aching. He had a pretty good idea how lost Jensen was going to feel when he came out of the Institute and having a home he wanted to live in was important.

"No, it's not that." Jensen shook his head, stepping forward and drawing up short of reaching for Jared's hand. "I just... I thought I would be sharing a room with you. But it's okay. I understand that... I mean, I understand with the nightmares and needing time and all. Probably for the best. But the room is great, I really do like it," he nodded and smiled a little brighter, grabbing his bag and tossing it on the bed. "Gonna have to figure out the clothes situation. Somehow I don't see scrubs as proper work attire. For um... wherever I get a job." Jensen ran a hand through his hair, pulling in a quick breath to calm his nerves.

"Hey, alright, we need to talk right? Seeing each other once a week hasn't been enough for us to keep up with each other." Jared reached out and threaded his fingers through Jensen's. "I would _absolutely_ love for you to share my room... for it to be _our_ room. But ... I wanted you to come in here knowing that it was your home no matter what you decided. Okay?" His fingers tightened on Jensen's hand as his nerves fluttered.

"I... I've always thought... I've been thinking-" Jensen sighed softly and moved forward slightly, scratching along his neck. "You know that this is my home... or well, I've started thinking that way when you first offered and-" Jensen frowned and shook his head, looking up at Jared.

All this time he'd been thinking about the man, how much he wanted him, how he couldn't wait for their life together, and now things were awkward and weird which wasn't at all what he wanted. "Fuck this," he grumbled in slight annoyance before nearly leaping forward, jumping onto Jared's body for the second time that day and wrapping his legs tight around his waist as his lips crashed into Jared's.

Stumbling backwards, Jared fell onto the bed taking Jensen with him. The breath whooshed out of his lungs and he half laughed, half-gasped in some air before trying to push Jensen back enough to say something. "Hey," he mumbled, his own body only half-willing to go along with the whole _stopping_ idea. "Jensen." His mouth was moving against the other man's, sucking kisses along Jensen's bottom lip as his tongue slid across smooth white teeth.

Jensen let his legs settle on either side of Jared's body, squeezing him gently as his hips rolled down into Jared's. "I just," he murmured into the kiss, letting his tongue glide out along Jared's as his fingers threaded into the man's hair. "Want you... want us," he whispered, hands slowly tracing along the curve of his neck bone, along his chest between them. Pulling back slightly, he sat up enough to stare down at Jared, fingers spreading wide on his chest. "I don't want us to be awkward, to be weird and uncomfortable. I want to share a bed with you, sleep in your arms. I... I really do appreciate the room of my own but my main motivation for getting through the last two months was getting to be with _you_." He sighed heavily as trailed off, wetting his lips slowly.

"Okay then." That was the easiest answer that Jared had ever given. His smile spread across his face as he shifted under Jensen. "If you... let me up for a few minutes, I'll show you our room. But - I put a lot of work into this desk and chair - so I'm going to insist you use it as a study." Shoving gently at Jensen's shoulder he sat up.

Jensen sighed as he slid off Jared's body and climbed off the edge of the bed, peering out the window for a moment. "Do you want me to use this room? Do you think it would be smarter for a while?" He felt a little like a ping pong ball, swerving from one emotion to the next. Eventually Jared was going to get a little annoyed with his crazy zig zagging. "I don't want to damage things between us."

Walking over Jared grabbed Jensen's hand and tugged him out the door and across the hall. "Our bedroom," he murmured and swept his hand around the room. There was large cedar framed bed in the middle of the room, a nightstand on either side with matching lamps. Jared had some of his favorite photos up on the walls and a wall-hanging he had picked up on his trip to Peru.

"If you go over and check the drawer on the far side of the bed, it's empty." Jared smirked and walked over to sit on the end of the bed. "You know, just in case you wanted to be in here." Holding out his hand Jared waited until Jensen walked over to him and pulled him forward, arms slipping around the man's waist.

"Here's the thing Jensen," Jared smiled and pulled Jensen up close between his legs. "You wanna be in here? You're in here. If you ever need time to yourself - you can be in the other room. I just want us to be together. I can wait whatever amount of time it takes for together... to grow." Pressing his lips to the corner of Jensen's mouth he smiled. "Okay?"

"Okay," Jensen nodded, stepping into him and laying his fingers against his chest. "Then I'm in here. And the other room will be my study." He snorted at the word, shaking his head. "I've never had a study before. I've... I've never had a lot of this before. Any of this. A wonderful boyfriend, a home, love..." he swallowed thickly and stepped in to lay his forehead against Jared's.

"You know, I need to say something. Part of the goals list thing. Pretty low on the list I guess," he chuckled and tilted his head up to press a kiss to Jared's neck. "Dr. Swain said it was important... that I not keep my emotions and stuff buried. So I'm just supposed to say stuff. Like Misha says, just put it out there, tell you everything."

"Mmmm," Jared found it hard to believe he would disagree with anything Jensen said while he was kissing him, "so ... is that all you need to say for now or is there more?" Jared's lips twitched into a smile and he let his hands curve over Jensen's hips.

"Well," Jensen stepped hard into Jared's body, leaning heavily against him. "I... I've been thinking about you. A lot. In the last two months you know." He chuckled softly and threaded his fingers in a slow stroke through Jared's hair. "God I can't even tell you how much I want you." Jensen rocked his hips forward, eyes narrowing as he gazed at Jared. "I... I've been touching myself.” He nuzzled into the side of Jared's neck, body moving constantly. "Thinking about you... in me..."

Shrugging out of his jacket quickly, Jared let it drop to the floor beside Jensen's feet. "Okay," he murmured, heat flaring across his chest as he thought about Jensen touching himself. Tucking his legs around Jensen's he slid his hands along the waist band of the other man's jeans, fingers gliding over the warm flesh.

"So maybe," Jared leaned forward and moved Jensen's collar aside with his nose so he could kiss and lick the pale skin of his neck. "Maybe we should do some touching now, you know," he nipped at Jensen's neck, rolling the flesh slowly between his teeth for a moment before letting go, "get it out of the way."

"Mmhmm," Jensen murmured, head falling to the side, fingers sliding along the hem of Jared's shirt and over the silky smooth of his skin. "You... will you touch...?" He didn't want to beg but _fuck_ the idea of Jared's fingers buried in him made his knees weak. His fingers slid through Jared's hair in a slow glide.

Jensen gave up trying to keep himself up right and grinned down at Jared before letting himself fall hard forward onto the man, crushing him down into the mattress with a laugh. His nerves were sparking with pleasure along his veins, causing him to overreact and break down into a wave of laughter as his fingers slid along Jared's sides.

"My God." Jared's body jolted up as laughter bubbled up out of him. "M'ticklish... _Jen_ sen!" Jared wriggled backwards onto the bed squirming out from under the other man. Locking his leg over Jensen's he pushed up hard off the bed and flipped Jensen over onto his back. Laughter fading away slowly, hair hanging down over his face, Jared settled back onto Jensen's thighs and shoved his hands roughly under his lover's shirt so he could push it up and reveal more of Jensen's pale smooth skin. Eyes locked with Jensen's, Jared was still smiling and let his fingers trail along the outlines of Jensen's ribs, palms finally pressing down against his lover's slim body.

Arching up into the touch, Jensen swallowed thickly and moaned quietly, the noise growing as he realized he had no need to be quiet. "Want you touch all of me," he urged, fingers sliding along every inch of Jared he could reach. "Want you naked," he added, writhing back down into the mattress in a slow grind. He had a feeling he was going to be over eager this time around but he was fairly confident that Jared already knew this, and was likely preparing for it.

Eyes widening slowly Jared tugged on Jensen's sweatshirt until he could wrestle it up and over his head. Leaning down Jared pressed a trail of kisses down Jensen's neck stopping at the hollow at the base of his throat to sweep his tongue across it gently, tiny licks, teasing as his hands slid straight up Jensen's sides.

The other man felt warm, smooth, _alive_ and Jared's body was flooded with sensation - he'd dreamed about having Jensen here, spread out across his bed - and now, here he was; here was Jensen, rose blooms on his cheeks, lips glistening and writhing under Jared's body. Moaning softly Jared crawled backwards until his fingers were fumbling with the button on Jensen's jeans, tugging it loose and sliding his long fingers under the material as he pulled the zipper down.

"Jesus Jared," Jensen whispered, heels digging into the mattress slowly, bending his body up into an arch. "Want it," he repeated, words shaking with the weight of his desire. His fingers curled into Jared's hair, teeth dragging along his lips slowly. "Jared, kiss me." He lifted his head up, staring down at Jared and smiling softly. He wet his lips with a slow drag of his tongue, body in almost constant motion beneath Jared's touches.

" _God_." Jared's eyes were soaking up every movement Jensen made. Slipping back off the bed he curled his fingers over the waistband of Jensen's pants and tugged them down with his boxers, kneeling to pull his socks off and drop the jeans onto the floor. Standing again Jared stared down at Jensen, "beautiful," he murmured. Crossing his arms he grabbed the hem of his own t-shirt and pulled it off throwing it aside quickly. As he tried to unbutton his pants it felt like his fingers were suddenly too thick and took him a few moments to get them undone. When he was finally naked he climbed back up onto the bed and lay down at Jensen's side, palm pressed flat against the other man's chest. "I want you... _so_ much," he murmured.

Rolling forward Jared laid half on Jensen, swollen cock pressing against Jensen's hip. His fingers ghosted all the way down Jensen's chest, over his belly and further down until he could brush the backs of them against the fiery flesh of Jensen's shaft. His lips hovered over Jensen's for a few moments; they breathed the same air, air moving in small pants and puffs. "Love you," Jared breathed and sank his mouth down onto Jensen's, tongue sliding quickly past Jensen's lips and sweeping across the roof of his mouth.

Every part of Jensen's body responded to the touch, arms wrapping around Jared's shoulders, fingers curling into the skin between his shoulder blades. He sucked in sharp breaths through his nose, mind reeling, all too affected by Jared's too brief touch along his skin. "Love you," he gasped into the kiss, heart hammering hard against his chest. The words made everything about the situation intensify, sparks shooting low along his spine. _God_ it shouldn't be normal to want someone so badly. "Jared." He moaned the man's name, hips circling slowly along the mattress, eager for _more_.

Jared was panting, straining to hold himself back as he watched Jensen's lust grow. The man's body was sliding and twisting as he tried to get more contact with Jared and it had to be one of the hottest things that Jared had _ever_ seen. Leaning back he ran his hand up over Jensen's chest, sliding his palm up to his neck to cup his chin and tilt his head just the right way for their mouths to meet. Jensen's mouth was feverishly sweet, his kisses the most intoxicating combination of innocence and urgency.

Letting his hand move once more Jared followed the lines of Jensen's torso - down to the man's slender hips. Jensen's body arched up off the bed again - following Jared's touch like it was magnetic. Belly button, downy soft hair ... then Jared's fingers were wrapped around Jensen's swollen cock.

Jensen was honestly a little surprised at the noise that fell from his mouth when Jared's touch shot through him. Being naked, skin pressed together, without the fear of being caught and knowing they had all the time in the world made everything _so_ much better. His fingers curled and clawed along Jared's back, drawing red lines along the skin in every place he could touch.

Straining forward slightly, breath catching in his throat, Jensen gasped as his hands slid over the curves of Jared's ass, massaging into the flesh. Everything felt so _new_ and _intense_ it was driving him insane. "P-please," he gasped, mouth sliding swiftly along Jared's. He had no idea what he was asking for, just knew that, more than anything he wanted whatever it might be.

 _God_ \- every time Jensen begged like that Jared's heart clenched. He didn't know what to do, where to touch him first. The way Jensen's hands moved over his body was sending shivers down his spine. Jared _wanted_ , he'd never wanted anyone more. Sliding down Jensen's side, Jared let his free hand trail behind him as his fingers feathered across warm flesh. Pressing Jensen's hips gently down into the mattress he dragged his tongue along the sharp curve on his hip bone and rode the arch of Jensen's body under him. Stretching his arms up along Jensen's side, leaning down, Jared smiled up at his lover and his tongue darted out to lap at the head of the swollen cock right by his lips.

" _Jesus Christ_ ," Jensen gasped as a sharp pleasure shot up his spine, lights sparking across his vision as his body threatened to flare up off the bed. It was suddenly all too much, Jared's tongue, burning hot along his sensitive skin. He moaned low in his throat, feeling the noise vibrate through his body as everything in him shot into overtime. "Ja-I..." he groaned as Jared's tongue slid from the base of his cock all the way to the top. As the wet heat swirled along the sensitive tip Jensen lost all control of himself. He'd been wanting this for so long, dreaming about Jared touching him, and now he couldn't hold back. Everything in him tensed, muscles pulling together as his orgasm tore through him, hips jerking off the bed as he nearly screamed Jared's name.

Watching Jensen's body, hearing him, feeling the way his body tensed - _Fuck_ , it was amazing and sexy and hot and Jared slid forward in a daze, mouth sinking over his lover's cock just as the come pulsed hot and thick. Groaning, Jared lowered his mouth and swirled his tongue to pick up as much of Jensen's release as he could. His hands continued to slide and caress, stroking Jensen's body through his orgasm. When he finally pulled back and Jensen's flesh slipped from his mouth Jared smiled. Crawling back up the bed and settling at Jensen's side he tugged his lover's head toward him and thrust his tongue forward past soft, kiss-swollen lips.

If it were possible Jensen might have come again the moment Jared's tongue slid against his own. There was something almost sinful about tasting himself on Jared's tongue, chest still rising and falling shakily as his body relaxed back into the mattress. After a minute the need for a full lungful of air was too pressing and he broke back, sucking in deeply as a flush spread across his face.

"Um. Sorry," he muttered, looking away as his heart slowly calmed its racing pace. "I didn't mean too. I mean... I really want to do, you know, more. And then I just kind of-" he rolled his shoulders and shifted slightly on the bed under the building embarrassment rising up in him.

"Hey," Jared murmured. "I. _Really_ liked that, like, a lot." Laughing softly, Jared nuzzled into Jensen's neck. "Your face and the way you moved," he stopped to swallow and blow out a breath. "Hot," he added as he sucked on the smooth flesh just below Jensen's ear. Rolling his hips forward he rubbed his aching shaft against Jensen's thigh. Humming softly, Jared snaked his arm over Jensen's chest. "M'just glad you're here. Was such a long wait."

"I know." Jensen nodded in agreement, sighing softly as he tilted his head slightly to enjoy the feel of Jared's gentle kisses. He was hyper aware of Jared's hard flesh burning into his skin and he swallowed thickly as he shifted around, reaching out slowly to nervous brush the tips of his fingers along Jared's flesh.

"I. I want to make you feel good too," Jensen insisted, wetting his lips as he rolled into Jared's body. "Actually, what I really want is you to fuck me," he pointed out with another blush and soft chuckle. "But I wouldn't mind... tasting you," he whispered, slipping into his comfortable quiet as the words worked through way through him.

"T..Tasting." Jared swallowed again. "Do you have _any_ idea how _fucking_ hot you are?" Wide-eyed, brow sweating, Jared licked his lips. Wondering how the hell he got to be so lucky to have someone like Jensen was becoming a common feeling for Jared.

His hands slid down Jensen's body, the curves of his back and cupped the man's ass. "I don't care what we do," he murmured, "as long as it involves you being naked and here, and touching me." Smiling, Jared hooked his leg over one of Jensen's and rolled his hips up slowly.

Jensen wasn't going to tell Jared, at least not now, but he'd gotten some pointers on how to do this very thing from Chad. Which was awkward and weird but Jensen was suddenly immensely grateful for it. Swallowing thickly he pushed at Jared until the man fell back on the mattress, body dropping between Jared's legs as they spread. Jensen rolled his body down into Jared's to grind into the hard flesh as his lips moved languid and slow against Jared's before breaking the kiss and beginning a trail of sloppy, open mouthed kisses along the curve of Jared's jaw, down his neck, sucking a this collarbone.

"Can we just spend forever like this?" He murmured into Jared skin as he kissed lower, keeping his body as flush against Jared's as possible as he sucked Jared's nipple into his mouth and dragged his teeth over the sensitive nub as Chad said would definitely affect anyone with a mostly sane mind.

The heat from Jensen's body was overwhelming, familiar and Jared felt his muscles fluttering under gentle touches. He arched his chest up into the wet lips wrapped around his nipple. A buzz - almost like electricity - ran down Jared chest and his fingers curled hard into the flesh of his lover's back. "Forever," he murmured and immediately felt a flush of embarrassment burn onto his cheeks. It meant something to him, that word, _forever_. Shuddering, Jared tried to raise his head and ended up just rolling it to the side, "Jensen..." his long fingers carded through short hair and settled gently against the side of Jensen's neck. His lover's heartbeat bumped against the pads of his fingers and Jared sighed, hips rolling up constantly into Jensen's body.

There was something about the look in Jared's eyes that seemed familiar to Jensen and he smiled, unable to resist the urge to climb back up enough to brush his lips over Jared's in several long, deep slides. "I'm so glad I found you, or, well, you found me," he sighed softly and let his tongue slip into Jared's mouth as his body rolled forward.

Pushing up onto hands on either side of Jared's head he grinned before sliding back down Jared's body with another trail of open mouthed kisses. Jared's skin was slightly salty against his tongue and Jensen hummed softly, inhaling the sharp scent of Jared's arousal as he traveled down low enough to lap along the curve of Jared's hipbone. Chad had said Jared's body would tell him what spots felt best and, judging from the way Jared writhed beneath his tongue, Jensen thought this was one of _those_ spots. "You like my lips here?" He asked, figuring being sure was a good idea, for future reference of course, and his mouth opened to suck along the bone and pull blood to the surface of his skin.

"L..ike?" Jared shifted his hips, body darting up to press hard against Jensen's mouth. Jared loved the pain-tinged pleasure that bloomed out from Jensen's mouth. "Yes," Jared whispered. _Yes, yes, yes._ The word rattled around in his mind as Jensen's mouth teased at the sensitive skin in front of Jared's hipbone.

Rocking his hips up, Jared reached down, fingers curling over Jensen's upper arm and gripping tightly. "I like ... I like... it when it hur-" Jared's voice caught in his chest as Jensen's cheek brushed against his aching flesh. "Jensen." He twisted his body sideways, leg flipping up and over Jensen's back as his hips rocked up sharply. "S..sorry."

The way Jared moved beneath him was oddly thrilling to Jensen and he stared up at Jared as his fingers slowly moved forward to wrap around the base of Jared's cock. The flesh was overheated, nearly burning in his palm and Jensen stroked in several slow twists dragging up and squeezing like he enjoyed most.

Jensen's eyes dropped from Jared's flushed features to the red swollen tip only inches from his lips. Nerves sparked up in him and Jensen slowly wet his lips, trying to remember what he was supposed to do first, according to Chad. Giving up trying to remember the bizarre lesson - in which a banana and laughing Misha had been involved - Jensen shifted forward and flicked his tongue over the tip of Jared's cock, tasting the small bead of pre come and humming softly. It wasn't bad, slightly musky and salty, but not enough for Jensen to form a real opinion. Hooking an elbow over Jared's hip, Jensen pressed firmly down into the man's body before lifting up enough to suck the swollen head into his mouth, sliding down a couple of inches and moaning at the full feeling pressing a heavy weight against his tongue.

So many things happened to Jared at once. Jensen's full lips sinking down over the head of his cock sent the breath shooting out of his lungs and his heart beat spun out of control. The moan from somewhere deep in Jensen's chest sent shivers along Jared's flesh and he felt his nails scratch hard over the flesh of Jensen's shoulder. "F...uck..." he breathed out. _God_ , just the simplest touches from Jensen sent his body into overdrive. Skin thrumming with energy, heat sparking to life deep inside his belly; Jared's body rocked forward trying to slide his cock further into the tight warmth of his lover's mouth.

Jensen's eyes fluttered shut as he focused his energy on relaxing his jaw, remembering to keep his teeth out of the way as he allowed the thick length of his lover to slide along his tongue. The taste of the man was really growing on him, heady and strong mixed with the scent he breathed in through each sharp inhale through his nose.

Feeling Jared's body in constant movement beneath him was almost surreal, knowing he could affect the man in such a way. After several long minutes of a steady bob he remembered to use his hand to make up the distance he couldn't pull in, squeezing softly, starting off at a slightly awkward pace until he fell into a natural rhythm. Jensen lifted up enough to drag his tongue sloppily over every inch of Jared's cock, lapping at the slit with slow, deep twist of his tongue. "I like the way you taste," he murmured, glancing up at Jared with a small smile before dipping in to suck the hard flesh between his lips once more.

Stomach muscles quivering as he tried to hold back slightly Jared moaned and slammed his free hand down against the mattress. His body responded to every touch, every movement, every single word and each noise that Jensen made. Never, in his entire life, had Jared been so affected by someone.

Breath hitching in his chest he felt his need for release growing, gnawing at him, sparking along his spine. "Jensen... I won't las-" he sucked in a breath, shivering with _need_ and rubbed his leg up and down Jensen's side. He wanted to touch him everywhere, feel everything. Body shaking, muscles trembling, Jared arched his back high up off the bed and bit down hard on his bottom lip trying to fight off his threatening orgasm.

Sucking him in deeper, Jensen forced his throat to relax even more, sliding Jared all the way in until he could feel the pressure along the back of his throat. Jensen pulled back before it could be too much, swallowing thickly as he looked up at Jared, "I want you to come in my mouth." He murmured the words as quiet as an exhale, eyes staying locked on Jared as his lips parted to seal in a tight ring just below the head of Jared's cock. He was starting to think that having the warm heat of Jared's cock in his mouth was the _best_ feeling in the entire world. Jensen's tongue flicked along the flesh in his mouth, sucking him in deeper, encouraging Jared with a slow stroke up.

Sucking in a breath through gritted teeth Jared moaned, cock swollen and throbbing in his lover's mouth. Heat shot through him as Jensen's words sank in. Bleary eyed, Jared looked down - heart drumming away against his rib cage. The sight of Jensen's lips wrapped round his cock, wet-slick and swollen slammed into Jared's mind. Swearing softly, hips launching forward Jared felt his control slip as his aching balls drew up tight against his body. A few swirls of Jensen's tongue, quick short thrusts into the silky pressure of his lover's mouth and Jared's orgasm blew apart in his body. Both hands came down hard on Jensen's shoulders, one sliding up to grip his hair tightly and Jared's cock throbbed once hard, then pulsed, shooting thick and hot come into Jensen's mouth. Hips twitching slowly, Jared's body sank back down onto the bed. Slowly his fingers released their death-grip on Jensen's hair and he tried to apologize but barely managed to whisper a few small sounds.

The feel of Jared's come in his mouth had shocked Jensen at first, not at all what he expected, but he swallowed and managed to get most down without dribbling along his lip. The amount that did slip out he wiped at as he let Jared's flesh slowly fall from his mouth, licking at the smear on his hand before climbing up Jared's body. Like the man had done to him, Jensen practically fell onto Jared's body and thrust his tongue forward into his lover's mouth, tracing along the line of his tongue. Jensen moaned softly into the kiss as his hands threaded up through Jared's hair.

Jared knew right then he would never get enough of the man who was pressed up against him. Tasting his come on Jensen's tongue was hot and his fingers glided over the beads of sweat on the small of Jensen's back. _Jensen_.

His arms slid over Jensen's back and tightened, leg wrapping over leg to lock their bodies together. Body still twitching with pleasure as his muscles adjusted, he clung to Jensen. Breaking the kiss reluctantly, Jared gasped in a breath and gazed into Jensen's eyes. "Welcome home," he murmured then brushed his lips softly across Jensen's, teeth grazing across his full bottom lip.

"You should always welcome me home like that." Jensen sighed blissfully and shifted to lay his head in the crook of Jared's neck. "Was that good? I thought it went better than I expected, I mean, how I did. How you tasted... way more than I could have imagined. Chad would have been proud." Jensen nodded and chuckled softly. "Post orgasm makes chatty apparently. If only they'd known this years ago." Jensen's laughter grew as he slid his hands slowly through Jared's hair.

"Wait... what?" Jared's body was still buzzing but he was pretty sure he'd heard Chad's name in there somewhere. "Chad? Do I even want to know?" Laughing softly Jared trailed his fingers over Jensen's cheek, loving the weight of his lover's body pressed against him.

Shifting until he felt comfortable to relax in the pleasure buzz still lingering around him, Jensen chuckled and pressed his lips into Jared's chest. "Chad gave me um... how to give a blow job advice. And Misha laughed. It was all quite scarring; I think I'll never be the same." He nodded and slid up once more to press a kiss to Jared's lips. "Also? I may be addicted to kissing you. Can we make out until I fall asleep?"

Smiling against his lover's mouth, Jared nodded slightly. It was easy to kiss Jensen, perfect, amazing and everything he'd thought about in all those moments they'd been apart. Heated flesh pressed up against him, cradling Jensen's head with his broad hand, Jared's mouth moved slow and languid against the other man's. The strangest sensation of unreality fell over him as they kissed, long, perfectly-soft and lingering - sleep tugging at them both.

"I love you," Jensen whispered, not bothering to roll off Jared's body. He'd end up in his arms anyways; being on him was kind of the only place he really wanted to be. He could feel Jared along everything inch of his body and it was the absolute _best_ thing.

Letting his eyes close, Jared's lips held a smile for a few more moments. "Love you," he murmured into Jensen's soft hair. He breathed in the scent of his lover, arms still tight around him and wriggled further up the bed lazily. "Sleepin' in tomorrow," he mumbled.


End file.
